letters to hazel

twenty nine

I had no choice but to cry myself to sleep that night after re-reading my letters from Harry and the one I had written back. There was something so wise about all the things I had to say to him and it spoke to me now. 

And everything that Harry said in his letter was just as meaningful. I liked to see his growth when I read this letter. I see a man who hated himself and that kills me It kills me because I will always know him better than the man that kidnapped me. As much as I tried to shake this love and respect for Harry that I had during therapy, it never went away. I had grown to hate his actions but I knew there was good man in him and I believe in that forever. 

And I believe in the growth in myself, I saw it the letter I had written and it had only grown. I was determined at the time to be a better person for the life of my daughter and I think I have done that. I had a lot of maturity for being so young in that letter and I admired that in myself. I had really taken a step back and did my best to fall out of love with Harry to view all that had happened in honestly. Becoming a mother made me see Harry for what he really was and I needed that. I had always had love for him but it was in those moments where I began to view him like the other people in my life did, like other parent's did.

I was grateful for the life that I had now, the direction I had gone because of Harry. I think if things had happened differently I would be a different person. I'm not sure if I would even like that person or if I would have ever really grown up. 

I had a lot of clarity from all of our thoughts of the past but I was still as confused as ever. Harry and I were both so wise and I think that the two of have only become more wise as the years have past. We are better people for what we have been through and for having each other in our lives. At the same time, I felt like I might be falling back into an old pattern if him and I were to try things again. We are so different but you never know how the two of us could react. I believed it would be different there was just no way of knowing.

As I went through my morning routine, I thought about how I was going to handle this with Harry. After what had happened, we needed to talk. I don't think it was okay for him to kiss me like that just because of all the trauma I had been through with him I would've liked some warning before being brought back to that place. He had made a lot of points though that I had blatantly ignored. I had no idea how to respond or feel in the moment but I feel like I left him on a whim and that probably wasn't the best thing to do. However the conversation was going to go when we did have it, it wouldn't be pretty.

Hazel: I have no words for last night but I really want to talk things out and I am really sorry.

Harry: You are sorry? 

Hazel: I am sorry. It's just a lot going on right now and I know it's nothing compared to the past that you and I had but I get so scared thinking about falling back into that and I am just scared. Idk how to say everything over text.

Hazel: And I mean, I don't know what you are thinking either and I just want you to be honest with me and I know that you being honest with me will help me be more honest in turn even if you have to force me to do it. 

Hazel: And I know I am rambling right now but I just have a lot I am thinking and I have somethings I want to show you and I just want to see you.

Harry: Can I come over?

Hazel: Please. As soon as possible.

I think my intention was to always show Harry some of things he had written me if I had ever seen him again. At one point, I thought about giving them all back to him and other times I just wanted to get his insight. Now was a time to get his insight. Also, showing him some of the things I wrote and the things that helped me cope. I don't think he understands how hard the situation was for me and the things I did to feel better and where my head was a lot. I did a lot of growing up really fast and I think it is easy to think that I was mature from the beginning of meeting Harry but I wasn't.

I felt a pit of anxiety growing in my stomach as I waited for Harry to come over. I had no clue if this was going to be a screaming match or two mature adults talking through their feelings. I had no idea if it was going to end in him kissing me again and in a way I hoped it did. I missed the feeling of him more than I wanted to admit. I hadn't been affectionate with someone I really loved in a long time and I know that I loved Harry.

I tried to keep myself busy and tidy up around my house. I was searching for something real and normal in this moment. I just wanted things to be moving slower right now, anything to make this moment feel like it was nothing. The pit of my stomach was heavy and the anxiety I was having over this conversation was eating me alive. I decided to just drink some water and just be with my thoughts, breathe and relax. 

Once I was finally able to relax, the only thing that was able to knock me out of it was a knock at the door. 

Hey! No excuses for the lack of updates lol but I was just wondering! What are you guys hoping to get from this story? What kind of endings would you like to see and what is the direction you see? I feel like I have a million different ideas to where I could see it going and I am always changing my mind on what I would like!!