letters to hazel

Nine

" I have a question for you", he said and his eyes darted away. He was looking all over the room, at any and everything but me. It was obviously a question he was a little uncomfortable about or unsure of asking because of his behavior.

"Ask away", I hopefully said, trying to make it seem like I wasn't just as nervous as he was. He knew just how much I hated the phrase "I have a question". 

"You say you don't know who the father is and you want to keep it that in your book but is that true?", he asked and I just put my head in my hands, " Don't feel like you have to answer, I am just curious is all."

I didn't know how to answer the question in all reality. What I had put in my book about not knowing who the father was, was the truth. I truly didn't know but that was only because there was no DNA tests that had been taken. I knew for sure that she was my daughter, obviously, and at the end of the day that was all that mattered to me. I could be everything she would ever need and that counted for something. But that didn't mean I didn't have ideas on who her father was. 

I had been hooking up with a lot of guys around the time I had found out I was pregnant, but I was also a lot farther along in my pregnancy than I thought I was when I found out. Sometimes her behavior or her facial expressions reminded me of one of the guys I used to hook up with. But her wit, her eyes, her cheeks, the way she spoke, and her kindness that all came from Harry. I didn't want to think about that. I pushed the idea of Harry being her father far out of my mind because I didn't want to fantasize about it.

I would have my head too in the clouds and it just wasn't realistic. I didn't want to convince myself that Harry was my father only to be let down if I ever found out that he wasn't. I always thought her and I were doing fine without a man in our lives, she didn't need a father to be happy in life. But I knew that if she did know who her dad was and had at least that comfort that would save her a lot of questions later in life. Harry seemed most likely to be her father a lot of the time but it wasn't what mattered anymore so I pushed the thought out of my mind and decided to just show Harry pictures 

I grabbed my phone and pulled up the album of all the pictures I had of my daughter, starting from birth to know. I started with a picture of her when she was 6 months old.

"This is the first time I ever thought she looked like you more than she did me", I slid my phone across the table and he picked it up so that he could hold it, getting a better look. Her eyes were wide and bright green and in the picture, her smile was cheeky going from ear to ear. The most happy, smiling baby picture I had even seen.

"She is gorgeous", Harry said in a soft voice, he kept looking at the picture and back at me.

"You can swipe through, its all picture of her."

He began to swipe and he had a smile on his face. He kept looking back up at me and then to the pictures of her. 

"Halloween, Oh my goodness", Harry said showing me the picture of my two year old Rapunzel. A long braid covered in flowers going down her back and a purple dress to match the movie. She even had a little stuffed iguana on her shoulder.

"She won cutest costume that year."

Harry kept looking through all of the pictures with a smile on his face. The most loving smile in the world, he was happy looking at these pictures and I liked that. He then handed my phone back over to me once he got the end of the album and I looked at a few of the pictures too before putting my phone.

"So what do you think?", I asked him and he shrugged his shoulders, running his fingers through his hair.

"What do you think?"

"I think more likely than not, she's yours. I was hooking up with a lot of guys when I found out but I'm unsure, and I doubt it was any of them. I've never really cared enough to look into it either. I love her and we are happy that matters." 

"You really think she could be mine?", Harry asked and he sounded soft, weak in this moment. I was dropping a bomb on him that he could be a father and I don't know if that terrified or excited him but all I could do was nod. He smiled a little but also looked extremely worried. 

There was silence now between us and I had no idea what to say. There wasn't really anything I could add onto the conversation about my daughter. Luckily, my phone began to ring breaking the silence. 

"Hello."

"Is this Hazel, Jade's Mom?", the person asked, " This is Mrs. Hannah, Jade's teacher. Jade broke a fever this afternoon isn't feeling too well. Do you think you could come pick her up?"

"Of course, I'll be there in 10. Bye", the conversation ended and I looked at Harry.

"Everything alright?", he asked.

"The little one is sick, have to go pick her up from school", Harry had a little pout now and I nodded, "You can come with me and pick her up if you'd like. She loves new people, plus she told me she thinks your cute."

Harry laughed a little and shook his head. The both of us stood up and started walking out of the coffee shop. We stood next to each other for a second, no words. It wasn't horrible silence with him but there deffinitely something unspoken between the two of us that I couldn't put my finger on.

"I would love to but I have got to get going. I have some studio time today."

"Another time", I said and he nodded. I was about to walk away but he stopped me putting his hand on my shoulder. 

"Do you want a DNA Test?", Harry asked, " I'll pay for it and if not I understand, I think there would just be a lot of comfort in knowing. If you don't want to can I at least get to know her, I don't care if I'm her dad or not I just want to be there for the two of you." 

I Never Told You// Colbie Caillet