letters to hazel

Ten

-Harry's P.O.V-

"I would love to but I have got to get going. I have some studio time today", I lied and Hazel nodded. I was going to walk away, and so was she but I couldn't let her go like that. I may have been in a state of shock but I felt like if I didn't say anything I would never see her again. Her and I would go on with our lives, no questions answered. I would marry unhappy and she would move on with her life. I didn't want to give up just yet.

"Do you want a DNA Test?", I asked, " I'll pay for it and if not I understand, I think there would just be a lot of comfort in knowing. If you don't want to can I at least get to know her, I don't care if I'm her dad or not I just want to be there for the two of you." 

She nodded and didn't say much. She took me in for a hug and I hugged her back. This hug was odd just because I felt like she was using it to avoid the question at hand.

"I'll think about it, Harry. I just don't know right now but either way you can get to know her, she would really like that."

"Thank you", I said pulling her in for a less awkward hug, quickly kissing her forehead before the two of us said our goodbyes and parted ways. I went to my car, she went to hers, and the two of us went on with our days. 

I was driving home, a million thoughts running through my mind. I had no idea what to be thinking or where to go from here. I think I am a father, but what if I am not? I was almost already so attached to the idea of being Jade's dad and that was terrifying. I didn't want to get my hopes up if I wasn't but there was something drawing me to her.  I think that with somethings, especially things like this, you trust your gut. You can feel such a connection to someone and that is what I feel when looking at her. I want to trust my gut with this but I don't want to get my hopes up.

When I arrived home Piper was waiting on the couch for me. I knew she was going to have a million questions and that made me nervous. I didn't want to talk about it just yet. She had nothing to worry about from her point of view, she had no idea that I thought I could be the father of her child. I wanted to keep it that way to. I think Piper might have viewed Hazel as a threat and if she knew that I had a child that would make it even more real.

Piper wanted to have children, all her life, more than anything but her and I found out that she wouldn't be able conceive. She felt so guilty about it, like she was denying me of something I had always wanted. I obviously still loved her despite this struggle but I knew she would be jealous if she found out I had a child with someone else. 

"You two are on TV", Piper said with no tone, or expression in her voice. It was unusual because Piper always had something to be excited about. You could hear if she was angry, happy, frustrated, or tired just by the tone of her voice and right now you couldn't tell.

"What's wrong?", I asked watching the pictures of us drink coffee together and hug as we left flash on the screen. I didn't think anyone would capture us together, people don't really care enough to get pictures of me anymore but I am sure seeing Hazel and I together was a big deal to the media. Something her and I didn't even think about.

"How did it go?", she said avoiding my question, the same dead expression in her voice.

"It went well. But are you okay? You seem frustrated."

"You love her, Harry. You always have and I am afraid you always will. You bought her book and its like all of a sudden you are distracted by the idea of her. She is all of your thoughts and that scares me. I am here, Harry. I am here and I have been here, when no one else would give you the time of day. I love you. Does that mean anything to you anymore?"

"I love you, Piper. Of course all of that mean something to me. I am with you through it all."

"But you do love her, Harry, you aren't denying that", she was no longer dead in her tone, she was sad and soft now. She was avoiding all that I had just told her and I hated that. She was only going to look at what she wanted to in this argument. 

Her reaction to me just having coffee with Hazel was off putting. Hazel and I weren't flirting or being overly sexual. We were just two old friends meeting up for coffee. I swear, if it was anyone other than Hazel Piper wouldn't even mind. She would welcome me home with open arms and not even worry. She did view Hazel as a threat and I hated that. I did love Hazel and I did see myself with her, but that was a fantasy. Hazel and I were both in relationships and maybe in another world we could be the couple I always wanted us to be.

Now, more than ever, I had no idea how I was going to tell Piper that I could possibly be the father of her child. If I was that would surely break our relationship. 

"I am not going to tell you I don't love her, Piper, because I do. Her and I have been through something that you will never fully relate to but that doesn't mean anything in our relationship. I am dating you aren't. We having something real going on here and don't think that for a second I am not in it for the long haul with you."

"I just don't know, Harry", she leaned her head on my shoulder and I could hear her crying now, "I guess you are just going to have to make me believe you."

She said that and stood up, pushing her off my shoulder. She looked at me with desperate eyes and I looked down on her. I had done nothing to make her not trust me and I was not going to act like I did. There was nothing to worry about. I had always been a loyal, trustworthy, and committed boyfriend. There was nothing I had to do here and now in this moment.

"I'm going to bed."

Fear and Loathing// Marina and the Diamonds.