letters to hazel

One Year Later- Love Letter 2

To:Hazel
From: Harry
Hazel. It's been a year of reflection for me. I hope this in the best way possible. I am hoping that there is more for me now beyond this. I think I barely even knew who I was before I met you and before the fall of everything that we were. I was a selfish man. I think I was a narcassitic man who believed everything in the world was for himself. I was a grown man but still a child and I never had a true, true understanding of how valuable anything could be to anyone else. I was old enough to know those things yet I still hadn't learn them. When I think about how I am a grown man and those were the concepts I never had a hold of, I hate myself. I feel like a fool and I am sorry that you and I knew each other like that. You deserve a better man. If I loved you truly at the time, I would have never kept you from the world. I filled you up with a false hope that I was the world yet I would never let you see it. I hate myself for claiming a lot of this is love. I have grown to hate myself.
I still believe in a lot of the things you and I had. The person I have grown to hate in myself has nothing to do with you.I would hate for you to see these words and think that any of it has to do with you. Knowing you, you will see these words above and think that for some reason you are at fault and you are not. You never could be. The way I am and the person I made myself to be has everything to do with how selfish I was. I grew up humbled and I always felt like I had a good head on my shoulders. I don't know where I went so wrong that I became blinded to the life I grew up in. I don't know where along the line I lost the version of myself I grew up as but I hope to find it again in myself. I plan on being at home, with my family, for a very long time. I hope I rebuild the love I once had with them growing up and finding myself once again. I have hope for the future that I can drop my selfish tendencies. I have changed a lot in the year but I know there is a lot more room for me to change, I am nowhere near the best version of myself that I can be.
Like I said, I still believe in a lot of the things you and I had. I believe that you and I did have an honest love for each other. I wish that I had used the love I had for you in a better way. I truly believe our love could've lasted through it at if I had used rational thought. I still believe, and always will believe, in the connection that you and I have. The conversations we had, the trust that we built, and the way we had got to know each other was(and always be) something no one else could ever have. You are someone I believe was destined to be in my life and I hate how it turned out for us. The life we could have had would be great. I do hope and believe that you and I have a connection that passes this lifetime. I can only hope that we come to each other again and become something better. I want a second chance at this one day, if I have to wait for another lifetime to have the life I dream with you then I will.
I think it is good that I haven't thought about you as much. I first used writing these to cope with all that had happened but I had not accepted the reality of what I have done. As this year comes, I have accepted more of the person I am the actions I've made. I've grown to distance myself from all that has happened and you because I know that for now this time is meant for us to be apart. I have learned to accept that for the rest of our lives we might be apart and that is okay. You have a bright future that I refuse to interfere with. If you and I come back into each others lives somehow, it is for the best. The world will bring us back together if we need to be back in each others lives.
If you see this and assuming you have seen the other letters, I am sorry for a lot of other things I have written. I used to write you everyday, those days dwindled to weeks, and now we are here. I learned better than to write the way I did to you and I hope this letter shows that. Those original letters I wrote you lacked a lot of the respect you deserved and I'm sorry.
I do love you, Hazel. For a few months, I believe I should stop saying or thinking that but I do. I love you. I love you and I always will. If you need those words to bring you comfort, I hope they do. If you don't want to hear that I love you anymore than I am sorry for writing it.
Doubt you will see this but I hope you are well.
Yours, Harry

I set that letter down in awe of his words. I wrote about my life as the years past after this in my book but as I put the book together I read this letter once and decided not to put it in. It is deeply person to me. For some reason, this letter brings me to tears each time. This letter feels honest to me. I see a different side of Harry when I read this letter. I never knew this side of him before but as I have reconnected with him know I see this person. This was the beginning of him growing up and I see that now more than ever as I get to know him again as an adult.

The vision that I had of him was selfish. Reading this letter again for the first time in a long time and thinking of the man I know Harry as know, I see it. I see who he wanted himself to be come to light. He was a boy with the world handed to him when I met him and he had grown to be a man. This was a lot of what I wanted to hear and see. As I moved onto the letter I had written, I hoped to gain more insight. The seventeen or eighteen year old girl that had written this letter probably knew a thing or two.

To:Harry
From:Hazel

Harry. I sit here a year after the trial with a baby in my arms. A whole child, that I never intended on having this age. Small fingers and toes, the world at those tiny toes. I see this little thing and she can make anything out of herself. She is the future of this world and although I always believed that this was my destiny, it is my future now. This little one is my future and I am forever and ever happy with that.
Life is different without you, I don't even know what I mean by that it is just the first thing that came to my mind. My life is different. I went from a reckless girl to a mother, if that isn't the biggest evolution then I don't know what is. I have gone from being a person who I didn't know and hated to someone who wants to grow. I almost can't put into words how I am feeling as I write this because I truly feel new. I feel like I am entering and new era of my life and becoming the person I always wanted and hoped that I could be. I have more knowledge and I want to gain in all aspects of my life to be better and do better.
This is how I see us at this moment. I think I lacked a sense of self and a sense of direction when you came into my life. I think you were the image of everything I dreamed of and everything that I could be. You were the world I saw myself falling into and I wanted nothing more than to dive head first into you. I felt like an adult my whole life almost, my parents never being around and me mostly taking care of myself, being around you was the last piece I needed to feel grown. I had felt like I entered womanhood when I began my life with you. I never could have prepared myself for the life you and I would have. I was never ready for the world that our paths threw me into.
I was a woman in my eyes and when I went home, when all with you and I was said and done. I had finally felt like a girl. For the first time in a long time, I had my mother by my side. She spent her days with me in bed and made me three meals a day like all my friends parents had. She took me shopping and said no to clothes she felt were to revealing. She told me stories of when she was younger about the lessons she learned when she was my age and how she could never compare them to the lessons I had learned with you. She let me have friends over, embarrassed me around them and picked me up from parties I didn't tell her about but was scared because I got to drunk after them. In this moments I became a girl and the day I found out I was pregnant with my daughter was the day I became a woman.
Because of what I had with you, my life happened. The world as I know it will always be filled with the days I had spent with you. I craved you for months after. I wished every night that I had just let myself stay with you. I searched for the connection we had in other people because of how much I missed you. I missed you in every move I made and no one around me could understand why I missed you so much. I had experienced the world before people my age did and no one could relate to the undying love I had felt for another person. People could not comprehend how I could love you after what we had been through and I never knew how to explain it. I just did.
I don't know where I am going with this anymore, I feel like this gives a good view of who I am now and I don't know what that means to you or why I wrote these words but here they are. I wanted to recap the growth I have had in this year as if you would read it and see all that I have become. My hope is that you see I am happy and that my happiness is enough. I am young and I feel as a mother, the world is still mine to make my dreams happen. My dreams are not only mine but a baby girls too. For once I not only have myself to make proud but my daughter. Some nights, I think about you like I used to when it all ended. I think about how your arms would feel when you held me and your lips marking where you loved me on my body. It makes me cry because I want to feel that love again. I want to be in love again in some moments of my life. I don't think of you as much as I used to but I will always have a lot of love for you, Harry. If you ever in a million years read this letter, if I mail it of to you or it somehow finds its way to you, if you and I find a way back to each other. I love you still, in many different ways but I love you.
Forever,
Hazel.