letters to hazel

thirty one

The beginning was a chart showing the DNA between Harry, Jade, and I. It was scientific and I tried to understand it the best I could and took my time to see what I could make sense of. The page before had explained it but I was no genius and looking at all the numbers made no sense to me. She would have to be made up of one gene from me and one gene from Harry if he was her father but finding out how to read that in this chart was a lot harder than it looked. Below all the scientific parts read 

"Harry Styles is not exluded as the biological father"

It began to explain how this meant that Harry was the father of Jade and what to do from here or with these results. I handed the paper over to Harry keeping my expression nuetral and my head down. He was a father and I wanted him to experience learning that how by reading this now rather than me just telling him.

He was a father. He was the father of my daughter. I was finally able to say that confidently and happily. I felt happy. In the weeks leading up to this I had no idea how to feel, I was more scared than anything and I worried that I was building up to a result that I didn't want the answers to. In my life, it seemed as though everything went the wrong way sometimes and I felt like this would be no different but it was. I had hooked up with some questionable dudes after Harry and to know that the father of my daughter was Harry was the best way this could have gone. 

I just hoped that he felt the same way that I did.

"I'm a dad", he said, laying the papers down gently. He held his head in his hands and didn't look up. He let out a heavy sigh and I couldn't entirely tell if it was sigh of distress or relief. 

"How do you feel?", I asked

"Relieved and nervous. I'm happy it is me but there is just so many new questions into the mix. How do you feel?"

"The same actually but I do think this was the best outcome. You are a good man and I don't have any worries on how you will handle the situation I just want it to be handle best for her. I want this to work out well and easily for all of us."

"How would you like to tell her?", he asked, "When it comes to buidling our relationships, I want it all to be on your terms and her terms. It should be as easy for her as possible."

"I agree. I think I am going to tell my mom and my sister first before anything. They need to know and understand the situation and know how I am handling it before Jade does. I'm going to my mom's tomorrow and then after that we should be good to tell her. I'm more nervous for that than anything."

I wanted her to like Harry and I wanted her to be okay with this situation. She didn not have to love him at first. She could feel stressed out by the situation and overwhelemd. She can cry and be upset. I was just nervous that this would be something that would mess with her emotionally and that would kill me. Jade was mature for her age though and I know I could approach her with this in an age appropriate way and she would understand. Jade and I had been through a lot together and I had faith this would be for the best.

"What about us?"

"I don't know", I said letting out a sigh, "I know what I want and what I want to say but I just don't want to jump into everything now with her being involved. There is always us but I just want her to be the focus right now."

"I understand and agree", he said and a silence sat between us for a moment. 

He was the father of my child. A huge mystery and weight lifted off my shoulders. The only question I had and possibly regret I had for my life was not knowing the father of my child. Not being smarter about the actions I made in giving my daughter that knowledge. I never had to worry about that again and for that I was insanely grateful. The father of my child was someone I could count on, someone she could count on. 

A vision of Harry as the perfect father began to dance in my head. He would be a dream as a father. I had seen how he acted around children in the past and that was something I could watch forever, now I could. I can see him making her laugh, empowering her, and giving her all the successful tools a girl could need in the world. He would be the proud father that everyone dreamed. He wouldn't be too protective or harsh. He would never miss a moment. 

"I'm sorry I've missed out on so much. I don't know if that is a need apology considering how we had to be seperated and all but it's more for her sake. I am sorry I couldn't have been of more support to the both of you. You didn't have to be a single mother, it shouldn't have all happened this way", he was shaking his head in disappointment.

"I needed her though. I needed this to happen to me to make me better and to understand the world. She is everything I've ever needed. Don't apologize, Harry. Please don't even worry about any of it. This now is a blessing and I can only hope that you make up for the lost time. This is going to be good from now on, I promise", I rubbed my thumb over the back of his hand for support and he gave me a soft smile. 

I could tell he was going through it. This was a lot to handle and it was okay if he didn't have any of the words to fit the moment right now. He didn't need to know how to be the perfect dad or what to do in this very moment. Learning the way to be the best parent that you can be is one of the hardest things to do and I would never expect him to just know.

"What would you like to do from here?", I asked knowing an idea of what I wanted to do but knowing I wasn't the only person who had to think about what was best for her or what her life should look like.

"I would like her to know soon but I think it's best for you to take the lead here. I just want her to be comfortable."