letters to hazel

twenty three

"You don't know", I was annoyed a little, he could tell in my voice. I wanted him to just know, even if I didn't know exactly what I wanted, I wanted him to. I wanted him to tell me exactly what I wanted to here and for me to agree with it.

"I don't and I don't want to know for sure until the results come back. No one needs to get their hopes up here, Hazel."

"You're right", I said and he placed his hand on the top of my back, soothing me a little in the best way he could.

"I'm proud of you", he made sure I was looking him right in the eye and I began to blush, "You are the mother I hoped you would become and so much more."

"Thank you."

"And I really I can be apart of your life now. I don't expect you to forgive me for anything, I don't expect anything from you. I just hope you can really think about having me be apart of you, weather it be as a friend or not."

"I will think about it a lot", I said with a smile. Harry got off the couch and walked into the kitchen where his keys were.

"I have to get going though, it's been a long day."

It had began to rain in the past few hours and had kept up for most of the night. Harry insisted that I stay inside but I walked him out to his car anyway, it felt like the right thing to do. When we got to his car door the two of us just looked at each other, the rain coating the two of us and dampening our hair. 

"Thank you", he said pulling me in for a tight hug, I hugged back even though it was the most unexpected of moments that I would usually feel uncomfortable by. I felt him plan a kiss on the top of my head.

"Thank you", I said looking up at him, him planting another kiss on my forehead a blush coming to my cheeks. 

Harry got into his car and I walked away, watching him drive away was an odd feeling. I wanted him to stay but there was also a sense of relief in being alone. I loved how this day had turned out. I loved the way Harry acted with children and I loved the honesty the two of us had together. Being around him was oddly comforting to the way things used to be. I didn't expect that things would just fall back into place like they did today.

I was comfortable and confident, though. It was a nice way to feel as I drifted off to sleep. I was content with the way the situation had played out today. It was fun. The only bad thing was now I had to get serious, I had to be serious about the direction I wanted this to go. I couldn't do anything just because the situation was fun, I had to be the adult and think about what was best for everyone involved.

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I was going to see my sister today. She had felt like she was out of the loop of all that was going on in my life, especially all the things involving Harry and I did feel like I needed to get Blu's honest opinion. Ever since I came home, Blu had been attached to me. She was never the sibling to be super protective or highly affection but once I came home she was. 

I knew that by seeing her I could get an honest opinion of all things that were going on with Harry. She could give me any kind of answer involving the way the two of us should act to the DNA test. Talking to her today was going to be what I needed to get an honest idea of where I think I should go from here. 

There had been a solid 15 minutes of small talk between the two of us but I knew she was dying to ask about Harry.

"Jade met Harry", I finally stated and she gasped a little, a could tell she wasn't really surprised just shocked. 

"How did it go?"

"Better than I think anyone could've expected it to go. They liked each other a lot and at first I was super uncomfortable but it was just light nerves, I got over it pretty fast. It was nice."

I watch Jade play with the toys she had in her aunts house. I just admired her like I always did. I always in awe of my daughter in everything that she did and this was no exception as I thought back on her moments with Harry. It was nice to see her have more positive interactions with men, I knew she needed more of that in her life. Jade was close with her Grandma but not her Grandpa and it broke my heart. One of the only men I thought she would be able to have in her life and she couldn't.

"Uncomfortable?", Blu questioned. "You should not be uncomfortable in your own home. He shouldn't make you feel like that

"It's not like he made me uncomfortable though. It was just more odd than anything, you wouldn't get it. He is my first love, possibly the father of my child, and my kidnapper who I still have a deep love for. It wasn't that I was uncomfortable being around him it was just odd. I was in control of our situation in my own home. And to look at my own daughter, in my own home, and see her with the man who took me away from mine it was just weird."

"How are you feeling now?", Blu and I had evolved so much since the kidnapping and her response to me pouring out my feelings was nice but unexpected. She sometimes acts over the top when I say things like this and other times she sympathizes for me, you never know what you will get. I knew she had a soft yet protective spot over Jade and I and if this was something that I really wanted for Jade and I she would support it 100% even if it went against what she would do. 

"Good, just unsure of what I want."

"Tell me more."

"If he is her dad, there is this whole new dynamic that I'm going to have to create between all three of us and I don't know how I'll create that. It is going to be hard to co-parent after all that we have been through. But, I've built it up a lot in my head too, that he is the dad and if he isn't I don't want to be disappointed."

"You know that no matter what it has to be you and your daughter, right? I just feel like you have your head in the clouds about having your Harry back and having the image of a family. Weather you two are dating and he is the father or if you co-parent a lot of things are going to change. It just worries me, you were selfishly with Harry before and you can't be selfish with him now. You have another life to worry about. I'm not trying to come off as mean, it's just how I'm seeing this. You've got your head in the clouds, Hazel."