letters to hazel

sixteen

There was only a little anxiety going into this conversation with Piper, usually there was more. For the first time in a long time, I felt almost at ease going into this even though I suspected that the outcome wasn't going to be any good. Piper was my present relationship and I really wanted that but I really think I had pushed her away, even if it wasn't intentional. I think she sees me being distracted and sees what I could have with Hazel and she doesn't want to hold me back from what could be. 

That is at least what I hoped. 

I decided to shoot Hazel a quick text as I arrived home. I felt like I had more to say to her and to apologize a bit. She seemed worried on the phone and I wanted to thank her for that concern but I also just wanted an excuse to talk to her. If I could just text her for something small then maybe it would lead into more and more conversation.

Harry: Thank you for your concern in me Hazel. You know I appreciated it more than you could imagine. Hope to hear from you soon. X

With that, I grabbed my bags from my hotel stay from the back seat and walked into my home. I loved to stay at a hotel every once and while but I had to admit, the feeling of coming home after this trip felt nice. 

I was greeted by boxes filling the entire front room, all labeled my different things that Piper had aquired. My heart sank into my stomach as I realized the reality of this. I knew we had to talk still but it made me sick to my stomach thinking of her leaving, the thought of living alone. This big house full of all the memories her and I created but her not being there. 

"Harry?", Piper called out from I assumed our bedroom. 

"Yeah", I said and she said coming from behind the boxes and embracing me in a hug. She seemed happy for someone who was packing up all their things and potentially breaking up with their boyfriend. I hugged her back, trying to memorize the feeling and keep it in the back of my mind. I never really wanted to let go but she backed off looking at me trying to guess what I was thinking.

"You leaving?"

"I wanted to have all the boxes out by the time you left", she said looking away from me, "Do you think you could help me out?"

I followed her into our bedroom where she was packing suitcases and boxes of all of her clothes. She was chipper and it shocked me. It was almost like she had clocked out of our relationship before we had even gotten the chance to talk about what we were. I wanted to convince her to stay but at this point, there was no changing her mind. All her personal and household items were packed, the decorations she brought to make this place ours were gone. The bedroom we had once shared was a cluttered mess, her things everywhere but I still managed to place my phone down and truly focus on all that was going on. 

"This is kind of fucked you know", I finally spit out, tossing the shirt I was folding at her, "I am helping you pack your shit and we haven't even talked. I have no idea what is going on right now. I'm really lost."

"I'm sorry", she didn't seem to mean it.

"And you wanted to pack up all your shit and be ready to leave before I got here. That hurts, Piper. You really want to just up and leave with no conversation or trying after all these years. That's cold."

"You say "no trying", like I haven't tried. Like I didn't sacrifice my image and my name to be with you in the first place. It's a low blow, I know it is but you can't say I haven't tried when I have. We have had conversation after conversation and I know I have helped you heal but when I let you run away from your problems for a few days I "haven't tried" that's bullshit."

It stung, but it was all true. For her to be with me was the biggest blow to her name. There was a time when being associated with my name was a big deal, it got you farther. After all that happened with Hazel, I lost everything. I lost so many deals and so many connections. I had to remember Piper had lost a lot of those things too but she had never complained about it. She just wanted to be with me.

"You didn't have to just pick up your shit and leave", I said a little softer now. I couldn't argue her on all the points she just made.

"It's easier this way because I know that you would get me to stay and I can't."

"Why?", my phone ranger from across the room causing both of us to look over, "I am not ready to give up on all of this yet."

Piper walked across the room, closer to me but still keeping her distance. She picked up my phone and looked at the screen, rolling her eyes. She shook her head before handing the phone to me. It was a text from Hazel, a long one at that. I wasn't even going to read it now when I had Piper and her reaction to focus on.

"That is exactly why I have to leave. You know I love you and I never cared that you loved her too. I never cared that she was the girl of your dreams and that you could never forget her. I never held any of that against you but the second you get back into contact with her, you are distant and distracted. She is back in your life and she is all that you see. It is what I always feared in our relationship. I just never brought it up."

"If it was that big of a deal you should have said something."

"And you hold you back, I don't have the heart to do that. As much as I want to and as much as it kills me to think about just giving you to another girl after I thought you and I would be together forever. As soon as the idea of you possibly having a child with her arose, and how happy it made you I knew I had to go. She is giving you the one thing you always dream of, I can't hold you back from that."

It was fucked up really. I felt horrible for all of it and I was to blame for all her insecurity in our relationship. I never realized how much my love for Hazel impacted her and even when I really felt like I had moved on, Piper knew I would always have love for her. Piper was more selfless in this moment. She knew that our relationship was ending and it could have been messy. It is messy, but she is just letting it go. I don't think any girlfriend would be as cool about it as she is. If you love something, set it free is entirely true in this moment.

"I will always love you, P", I said bringing her into my arms, a quick hug this time.

"I will always love you, H", she said back to me, "Always, always."

We Belong Together- Mariah Carey
Happy- Marina and the Diamonds

HOLY SHIT! this might be my favorite chapter I have written so far. Let me know what you guys think! Where do you think the story is going to go?