letters to hazel

twenty eight

The second I entered the car and began my drive, I called my sister and put her on speaker phone. I felt dirty for what I had just done. I should have not let Harry kiss me in a moment like that, I should have pushed him away and kicked him out. The kiss was magical and ever since we began talking it felt like we were leading up to something like that happening. I just never thought I would let it happen.

"I feel like I really need to see my therapist now", I told Blu once I finished the conversation from beginning to end.

"Yeah that would probably be a good idea", she said and the two of us laughed a little, " But for real, what are you going to do? How do you feel?"

"I have no idea. I just don't want this to put us in a weird place no matter where our relationship goes. I feel weird after that but I know it will only be weird if both of us make it that way, you know? I'm just in a daze right now. How is this my life?"

"You love him?"

"I have so much love for him, Blu, I feel like that's obvious. I have a lot of love for him and our history but I just don't know if I love him like that. I am not in love with him if that is what you are asking."

"He seems like his heart is in the right place. He is the only man I have ever seen check you like that and not in a bad way, he just gets you. I feel like he is the push you need to be more honest with your emotions. He makes you better and the person you were before in some ways", Blu began to explained and I felt the same, " Do I think you being in a relationship with him is the best idea? I don't know, honestly but I do think there is no harm in seeing what is there."

"I don't know if I can do that. I am not scared of him at all, I feel super comfortable around him I just worry about falling into old patterns around him. I think it would be different just because him and I are two different people now but there is just no way of knowing if it is worth it. I am adult and I know better than to let myself fall into the place I was before but just what if? What if I let him get to me."

"You never know. What I do know is that the answers will come to you. If any of this is meant to be, if he is her father or if he is just a man in your life, it will come to you at the right time and things will work out", Blu began and I heard the school bell's ring in the distance. I got out of my car and began my walk up to the school.

"I know. I love you so much, Blu", we then said our goodbyes and I waited for Jade to come out of school.

My head was still spinning and I was thinking a million different things. I knew that I had to think of Jade and I's best interest regardless of what ever was going to happen next.

----------------------

The rest of the day was normal. Jade and I worked on her homework and once that was done, we just hung out. We never do much after school most days unless we planned it and I liked it that way. Our lives were uneventful and full of structure. I had a happy daughter who I spent every single day with and a routine that was built best for her. Our home was full of love always, something I lacked a lot.

My head was still wrapped up in Harry though, even with all the focus I had put into my daughter and our life. I had made her dinner and for the rest of the night she just played in her room. She didn't need me for much and I was alone to be in my own thoughts. With all this time, I decided that I would look through some of the old things I had from Harry. I hoped that the words from the Hazel and Harry of the past would push me in the right direction. Maybe these memories would remind me of something in him or open my eyes.

I had everything from Harry that I loved in a pale pink box. It was a memory box with everything from a rough draft of my book, old Polaroid pictures of us, screenshots of our old conversations, letters I wrote to him but never sent, and pieces of writing he had sent me. I had the plane ticket I took to see him and the plane ticket from the way home. A lot of it is good but I keep a lot of the bad too. I have magazine clippings from the trial and mementos from court. I believed that it was odd for me to keep all the good, I would get to clouded in my love for him if I didn't remind myself of the bad. 

A letter titled with the words "One Year" on the front of the envelope was at the top. I put it to the side of me saving it for later to read as I looked through the pictures. I had almost memorized everything in the box from when I was younger and idolized it but it had became less of a priority to me as time passed. 

The pictures made my heart soft. The way Harry and I looked at each other and posed for photos captured the relationship between us so well. We were relaxed and everything we did was easy going. There was so much light in our eyes. The photos didn't show the moments where he left his home and I cried. These photos were the side of us that was in love because we were but behind that was the fear of what was going on with my family. 

The photos made me happy though, despite the dark undertone of them. The screenshots of our conversations however, disgusted me. I used to love this part because it showed the mystery of Harry and I. It showed our potential and what we were going to be. It was the beginning to our love story but as a parent it disgusted me. The things Harry and I used to talk about and the sexual undertone of it all was weird. The manipulation of it all was wrong. These conversations used to feel so fun to me but as a mother, I would rather die than have my teenager talk to a man the way I did. If I was just a few years older when this happened, the conversations wouldn't be so wrong to me. 

The magazine clippings, photos of Harry and I in court, and what the media thought of it all was a toss up. I hated and still hate how this ruined his image. It was what he deserved and he did this all to himself but I knew there was so much more to him that the way the media viewed him. He had to live with all of this and I used to feel so bad that he would never be in good standing with the world that used to love him. The teenage girl I used to be just wanted to the world to believe that the two of us could be in love. The adult that I am knows that there has to be a punishment for something like this.

At the bottom, was all the love letters. All of them being placed at the bottom for a reason. That hopefully I would be too upset or bored to get to the bottom and not read them. I had read them for the purpose of my book but other than that I tried to forget about them. His words would always make me fall in love with him even when he didn't try. Sometimes I would write responses to his letters and never send them back just to get things off my chest. As I picked up the first letter on my mind, "One Year Later", I hoped to get some guidance. 

Always Remember Us This Way- Lady Gaga

Hi! I am really trying hard to get back into fiction writing! It is something I used to love doing so much and I still have interest in fiction writing and I hope to get back into this year! In my time of not being invested in fiction, I wrote a poetry book!! Completely different from any of the stuff I have written on this account and the first piece of work I have published on my own. If you are interest in buying/checking it out, here is the link: 
https://www.amazon.com/Little-Flower-Crimson-Rose/dp/172955234X/ref=cm_cr_arp_d_product_top?ie=UTF8
OR, if you would like me to message you the link please let me know!