letters to hazel

Five

-Hazel-

I was happy with Adam but I couldn't help but wonder what was going on in my life. I hadn't been in any sort of relationship like this before, since Harry. Harry was the last guy who I had been committed to and had ever really loved. I couldn't help but wonder if I had even really loved Adam like I thought I did. Harry made me feel in love, the whole entire time and I can't help but want to compare all the love Adam gives me to the love that Harry gave me. 

I watched Adam eat his salad, I had already eaten what I had ordered and I couldn't fill myself with anything else. I had decided to respond from the text from Harry now. Last time I saw him there was a piece of me was aiming toward a world where him and I were together again. Now I was with Adam and I had to view him as a friend, I hated that but if I wanted to have a relationship with Harry and if friendship was all I got, that's okay. 

Harry: I know you wouldn't, Hazel. You have the most good and pure heart in the world. I am so insanely proud of you for all of this that you have created for yourself, more proud that you could imagine. I would love to see you again if you are free anytime soon, if not I understood.

Hazel: I would love that, Harry! I am free pretty much everyday of the week, just let me know and we can pick a time and a place. 

"What are you smirking at?", Adam questioned, I didn't think he was mad but the curious tone he used made it seem like he was and I hated that. 

"Just re-connecting with Harry."

"Should I be worried? I read the book on you two", he added and that made me think about it all from his perspective. I'm sure it must be shitty to hear that the girl you are with is talking to the guy she was madly in love with through out the biggest chunks of her life. 

"No, it's not like that this time. Somewhere there is a universe where him and I are madly in love, soulmates even but in this one that isn't written in the stars."

"Quoting your own book? Nice", he said with a smile, I thought I was sounding poetic by taking that from my book but of course he remembered, " I am not worried about you and him though. Trust is key."

It made me happy that he trusted me but I knew that deep down he did. He didn't want to look too crazy or too possessive in a new relationship. He knew that Harry was my one and that had to scare him that I was talking to "The One". I was lucky though, Adam and I already had a friendship. We had been close friends long before we even got flirtatious with each other and long before dating was a question. I could tell that he was going to stick around not only for a close friend but for someone who was now his girlfriend. 

Adam paid for our lunch and we left. The drive back to his house where I dropped him off was just full of casual conversation like we always had. Nothing felt different with him which was weird. We were way more affectionate with each other than we were before but that was the only difference. They say you want someone who you can be best friends with in a partner but I didn't always agree with that. If you're boyfriend is your best friend it can create a lot of problems when it comes to what is appropriate in a friendship and relationship. Plus, if you have a nasty break up you lose not only your boyfriend but your best friend. 

"I had fun with you today", Adam said when I stopped in front of his place, "And thank you for saying yes and giving me a chance. I just want to be everything that you need in the world."

I smiled at him and he leaned over the middle section of the car and kissed me. I watched him as he walked up in to his house and got inside, making sure he got inside safely. I then drove straight to Jade's school. She was going to be out of school in 20 minutes and I needed to be there early to get any kind of decent parking. 

My mind was all over the place this afternoon. I had a boyfriend but I was also reconnecting with my ex. I had to think about how to handle these two things and also how I was going to incorporate my daughter in a healthy way for her into all of these things. Adam was her friend too so that wasn't a worry but I wouldn't introduce him as my boyfriend until things got more serious with him and I, I wouldn't want to get her hopes up. 

My biggest concern involving my daughter was Harry.  Harry and Jade were identical sometimes. If I caught my daughter in the right moment she would have the same facial expressions as him, the same humor as him, or look just like him. I wanted him to be the father, he would be good for her if that is what he wanted. Other times, she looked like other guys and had eyes or personalities just like them and that scared me. I wanted to give her a strong, male role model and I had no idea where to find that. What I knew for sure was that if I had introduced Jade and Harry, she would start to question if he was her dad, that was how much I saw Harry in her.

"Mom", Jade said wrapping her arms around me in a hug, breaking me from my thought.  I looked into her sparkling eyes, her blonde hair falling from her ponytail that was once tight. In this moment, I not only saw myself in her but the man I had once loved.