letters to hazel

twenty seven

Harry's actions and words were no surprise to me. I knew it in my soul, and everyone who knows him should know, that he is a good man. Despite our history, despite the medias misconceptions he is an amazing man. The way he views the women in his life is unbelievable and I respect him so much for that. If he is Jade's father, I know he would honor her and show her the way women deserve to be treated. 

This conversation had put me at ease in a way. I felt comfortable that if Harry and I were put in the position to co-parent that we could. We continued to talk about the things we agreed on and how we believed children should be treated, we agree on everything. There would never be a question of how this girl should be raised between the two of us. We both had a deep love for children and saw the power in nurturing a child.  There would always be a piece of worry in the back of my mind.

I had came to a point where I was still being very cautious about Harry and how I felt towards him but I also felt like I might be getting my hopes up. There is hope in Harry that if he is in her life she will have a loving male role model for the rest of her life. He will be the man of her life and there will be nothing lacking. If he isn't I can still give my daughter the world. I have been able to raise her on my own this whole time, this isn't going to shake me. I just know so many girls struggle with not having a father in their life and I would hate my daughter to feel like she is missing out on something that her life could give her. 

There was also the worry that if Harry wasn't her father I would lose him again. For some reason I felt like I needed him.

"What if I'm not her father?", he asked.

"I'm sorry I put you through all of this then. You lost your girlfriend who was really good to you over me and this potential."

"Don't be sorry", he began to restlessly bounce his leg brushing our thighs together with each bounce of his leg.

"I would be", I told him again, "I hope this isn't more trouble than it's worth."

I looked up at him and I just stared into his eyes for a moment. I could see the worry in them and I'm sure he could see the worry in mine as well. As much as I wanted this to be real, I didn't want it to be for nothing.

"I just hope it's not for nothing", I told him, " I would be back at the same place of confusion. Yes, my idea of who her father could be would be better but I don't feel as comfortable letting any of those other guys into her life. I would have to though with that knowledge I can't keep it from either of them but you would be the better choice."

He smiled.

"Sorry if this is out of line but are you going to kick me out of your life again if I'm not her father because I like this. I like where this is going. I like seeing you and spending time with you, I like talking to you. This has been missing for such a long time and I don't know if I want to lose it."

I looked down to the paper's sprawled across my table. Could I hold just a friendship with Harry without feeling like I just wanted to fall in love with him again? I'm not sure if I would be able to forget the fact that he was almost the father of my baby but wasn't. I don't know if I could see him all the time and just feel platonic. I agreed with every word he said though, I like this. I like where him and I are going. I like talking to him and spending time with him because no man would be able to grasp what I was like like Harry had done. 

"I don't know", I looked up at him apologetically, he shook his head, "I'm sorry I just don't know, Harry. I can't tell you yes or no right now."

I wanted to say more, be fully honest with how I just wanted to love him but I couldn't. He saw it in my face that I had more to say.

"Say it", his voice being heavier.

"It's not worth it. I'm not putting any of this in a situation that it doesn't need to be in. We are going there."

"I think you and I both feel what is going on right now and now that outside of this parenting stuff we can't quit each other. I think you need me in your life just as much as I need you. I think you want to give anything you and I could have a try but you are still afraid of who I was in the past and scared of falling for something that could hurt you."

I stood up and walked away from the table, I felt like I needed to begin pacing. Harry had taken the words out of my heart and brought them to life. I knew he could and he would any time that I was to scared to bring them out.

"I was never afraid of you", I told him in a soft voice and he rolled his eyes.

"Bullshit. I know this whole thing is romanticized because you and I were in love but at the end of the day, I was still a fucking kidnapper."

"I never see you like that."

"You are fucking blind, Hazel. Blind."

"If that's how you feel, get the fuck out. I do have so much love for you and you took everything I was feeling out of my mouth. I am scared of falling back into something toxic, someone who really loves you doesn't keep you away from those you love. If you had my best intentions at heart, you would have waited for the day where I could have moved to live with you. I do want you in my life but if the root of everything we are, friendship or otherwise, parents even, is the fact that you ripped me away from my family and wouldn't give me back or the idea that I am "scared" of you. Then it's not worth it."

Harry had walked closer to me while I was talking and as soon as he had finished, pressed his lips to mine. The first kiss in years. There was almost a feeling of relief as our lips began to move together. The anger of the conversation still in the back of my mind adding to the hit of the moment. He pushed his tongue into my mouth and pulled my closer to him. Our bodies so close together felt the same as it did years ago. I pulled away leaving my hands on his chest, our heavy breathing filling the room. 

I looked at the clock and the timing was perfect. I usually leave to go pick up Jade in about ten minutes.

"I have to go get Jade", I told him and shook his head.

"Are we just gonna leave this here? Continue the whole conversation later?", he questioned and I wasn't sure if he meant the making out, the question of what we were, or co-parenting.

"Sure", I said as I began to gather my things, putting away all the papers. Harry and I walked out of my place together but got into separate cars and parted ways. 

Space Cowboy- Kacey Musgraves