letters to hazel

Eight

His compliment made my heart beam with joy. He was the one person I needed to hear from and to know that he was proud of me made everything that I had gone through without him and with the book and my parents so worth it.

"You don't have to apologize. I understand that it looks bad but I just had to be honest about everything finally. I was tired of everyone having this idea in their head that you were a bad person when you never were. A good, genuine person who made a stupid mistake."

"Biggest mistake of my life", he mumbled, messing with the napkins on the table, " I was not in the right state of mind when you and I were together. Even when we were talking, I was not healthy."

"You're better though, ya?"

"I needed the time off and I swear the five years away from you and the world was the best thing that ever happened to me. I got to learn how to be human again and I got to learn what it was like to be alone. I always tell people I am grateful that I got to know you but I wish you got to know me when I was normal, in a right state of mind."

"Well, here I am. Getting to know you in a right state of mind. If you let me in", I said and almost felt like it was something I said to flirt with him. I just wanted to be in his life, get to know him in all ways that I could. I didn't want to lose him again and if I could learn who he was now, I would feel so lucky.

"Of course I will", he said with a smile, " Only if you let me in to you."

"Of course", I said and I could feel my cheeks turning bright red. He laughed a bit and I looked away from him in shyness.

"Tell me what has been going on, love", he asked, the pet name making me even more nervous. Anyone else could tell me these simple sentences and I would act totally normal but with Harry he could make one noise and I would be weak to him. Everything he did was better and more thought out than anyone I knew. He made me feel so youthful and no one could put me in that mindset like I did.

Now it was a matter of what I wanted to tell him. He had read the book so he had an idea of what I had been doing. He knew about my daughter and the mental health issues I had been dealing with. He read about everything I had been through and I didn't really want to repeat all of the same things. I wanted to seem interesting in some way.

"Raising a child mostly. My daughter is my pride and joy but once she got into school I started writing a lot. Poetry, the book, fiction. I'm trying to date but I just don't know if I am really into it right now. It's been really uneventful", he nodded, no specific expression on his face to dictate how he was feeling.

"You are a good mother. I don't have to see you being a mother to know that. I'm proud of you."

"Thank you, I don't think I'm told that enough. But I am trying, I never thought this would be my life", I explained and he nodded.

"That is all you can do and you'll be just fine. You don't need anyone as long as you are doing your best, that counts for something", I couldn't help but smile, " I know my opinion or advice doesn't matter but I want to let you know, you said your trying to date and it doesn't matter. I learned the hard way that being single is the best thing that you can do for yourself and the people you love. You don't need anyone to help you do your best."

"Harry", I said smiling and then stopped, putting my head in my hands.

"I'll stop with the unsolicited advice", he took a sip of his iced coffee, smirking a little.

"No, don't stop. You've given me more comfort with a hug and unsolicited advice than my best friend turned boyfriend has in the past month. I needed to hear all that you had to say. I needed to see you today, no matter how much people think I can't trust you."

"So you do have a boyfriend?"

"I do", I said and it turned to silence, "Are you dating anyone?"

"I am."

My heart sank to my chest and I started to drink my water to distract myself from the pit in my stomach. I had a boyfriend so I had no idea why I was so bitter, why I was so hurt that both of us were committed to people and had moved on. I think it was the foolish side of me saying that I needed to be with him. I must have thought, truly, that things were going to turn out how they used to be. Like things were going to click and we were going to leave this coffee shop to go make out in my car and do young and stupid things.

"That's good. I'm happy for you", I said and I think he could tell I was lying to his face, "What have you been up to?"

I was desperate to change the subject right now. I didn't want to think about another girl loving him the way that I did and needed to love him.

"I was just working on my health for the most part. I haven't spent a lot of time out of the house or working. I needed real mental help, more than you and I could have ever realized at the time.I was writing a lot at one point and I am thinking about publishing it. I am finally working on music again, with the boys. Had no idea how much I missed it."

"That is awesome! We both have really turned into the people that we needed to be over the past years and I am so happy. I really am proud of you, Harry", I stretched my hand across the table to hold is, "I am so proud of you and I am so grateful you got better, and that you can admit that you needed help is a brave thing."

He grabbed my hand and locked both of our fingers together. The most romantic gesture the two of us had shared in five years. Even if this simple hand holding wasn't meant to be romantic it felt like it deep down. He held my hand and rubbed his thumb over my fingers. It was something simple but it felt so right with him.

"I have a question for you", he said...