letters to hazel

Styles Stockholm Syndrome 4

-Hazel-

Jade and my Rebellion 

When I finally got back home and life calmed down, I started online school. I was doing so well, getting my classes done and spending time with my family. After years of leaving me alone in their home, I had my mom and my dad to make me home cooked meals, take care of me, and discipline me. I had everything that I had felt like I needed my whole entire life, but I no longer had Harry and that killed me. That broke my heart. I needed someone who loved me on that romantic level and that killed me. 

I don't know why but this lead to me rebel. I reunited with my best friend and that is when the trouble ensued. My parents never held me back from living my life once I got back home and that was when I started to party. I went out every single opportunity I had and I drank . I drank how much I missed Harry away. I drank until I forgot who he was and what his name was. I drank until I wanted to hook up with any guy at the party, that is exactly what happened too. I became well known in the party community around my area for this exactly. 

I was able to enjoy this lifestyle for a month because it helped me feel numb. Every single sober minute of my life was spent thinking about Harry. I looked at old pictures of him, I read about him, I wrote about him, I tried to relive every single memory I had of Harry in as much detail as possible. I would even tell my parents things about Harry like nothing had happened, like they didn't resent him for what he did. The only time all of that went away was when I was drunk and I loved it. I wanted to think about anything other than Harry. 

After a month of this non stop hooking up with guys and drinking I found out I was pregnant. I was only home for a month before finding out I was pregnant. The first thoughts in my mind where all the guys I had hooked up with they were all a possibilty but so was Harry and that was the scary thing. I had never anticipated on being this person who doesn't know their sex life and I ended up with a lot of regret. I had this gut feeling that the child was Harry's but it was naive of me to think like that especially knowing how many people I had been with. 

I had the hardest most depressing pregnancy but knowing that I had a person growing inside of me who would love me more than anything kept me going. I knew that the baby inside of me needed me and loved me more than anything. That kept me going. The idea of who the father was and how hard my life was going to be was never a question. I was only worried about my baby and her future. Sometimes I thought about how much easier this would be if I knew who the father was or if I had never been a "party girl" but the life of my child and the future I could give her was over powering. 

When my daughter arrived, my best friend, I knew that all the stress in the world, all the tears I had shed made the pregnancy worth it. I had never wished to be a teen mom, I never dreamed of this but I needed it. I needed someone to make me grow up. My daughter taught me how to love another person and put faith into something. My daughter taught me about what the future holds and the things that I can give to her. I needed all those things and I needed to give them to someone more than I could ever imagine. 

The father remains a mystery to me and that's okay, even though it took a long time for me to realize that. I wanted to know who my daughters father was for the longest time and sometimes I still wonder who he is. Sometimes I will see a certain guys eyes in her, or someone's smile or sometimes I will even see Harry's dimples and humor but all of that means nothing to me. I wanted my daughter to have a positive father figure in her life but realizing she doesn't need any man in her life was the most amazing realization. She has amazing women in her life who show her independence, love, determination, and true love. The women in my daughter's life are more amazing people than any father figure could be to her, even if it took me a long time to realize that. 

My daughter, Jade was born in October making her a charming, balanced, and intellectual Libra. She has all the most amazing qualities in the world and the world is at her feet, she is the future of world. She was never what I anticipated for myself and never what I planned on but she is everything I needed and a best friend. She is half the reason why I am writing this book. I never want her to have to go searching around for the answers of who I was when I was a teenager and what happened with Harry and I. I want to her to see the real love that Harry and I had for each other rather than the lies that the media would fill her with.

And most of all I am tired of the questions and attention that my daughter is forced to receive. Her and I don't know who the father is. She has never met Harry. She is mine. I did have her as a teenager. It's exhausting to be asked these things on a daily basis and it takes away from the beauty of her childhood and innocence that comes along with her growing up.