letters to hazel

twenty four

Blu's words echoed inside me the whole ride home. I repeated that back to myself over and over and over again until I felt them deep in my core. Jade was asleep in her car seat so I let myself cry the whole way home. Not because I was hurt, but because it was true. 

"You have your head in the clouds, Hazel."
"You can't be selfish with him now."

"You have another life to worry about."

Each of her words were right and I had just been to blind to really see it all for how it was. I told myself I was thinking of Jade above all else and at first I was. I eventually began so clouded with my own vision of how things could be that I let him met her with out a plan. I needed to plan out where things would actually go in the case of Harry being her father and where they would go if they wouldn't. I was acting as if my co-parenting was something that could be planned at the last minute or when things truly started to happen but that wasn't exactly the case. 

Upon my arrival home, I laid Jade down in her bed and pulled out my laptop. I had to research all my options now, because it was really now or never. I had to establish a great amount of communication and routine between Harry, Jade, and I. She had to know and understand a lot of new things in a way that would be easy for her. I always wanted Jade to rely on Harry and I had to be stern on the schedule the two of them would have together. If he wasn't going to be consistent with her he couldn't have her at all. 

I also knew that I was going to have to ease into this with her. She had only been with me her whole life and the two of us may have separation anxiety when apart for a long period of time. I was her only caregiver and the two of us were very attached. Harry would also have to understand that too. If she missed me and wanted to talk or wanted to come home, he had to accept it. And I had to accept that Harry would eventually be alone with her. I trusted him, but if this were to be real I would have to trust him more. I had to have a lot of faith in him that he would be the father Jade needed him to be.

I also had to come up with a schedule that was going to be easy for all three of us to follow. Harry was a busy guy and he had a tendency to disconnect from people when he didn't know what to do. He couldn't act like that if we were to co-parent. The most likely schedule was for me to have for five days of the week and for him to have her on the weekends, possibly seeing her once during the week for dinner or to hang out. That kind of schedule would even be hard to get used to, we were never apart for that long.

I had written some notes on my phone but I had to stop. I closed my laptop and closed my eyes, I rubbed my temples in an effort to get rid of the headache I had begun to have. This was a lot and I knew it would be worth it but that was the thing. I didn't even know if the stress would be worth it. There was still a chance that he wasn't going to be the father and all of this planning was for nothing.

I closed my eyes and began to just relax, focusing on my breathing before the ringer on my phone began to go of disrupting my sleep.

"Hello", I said picking it up without even seeing who it was.

"Have you seen the news, Hazel? Or at least been on Twitter", Harry was frantically saying into the phone, talking faster than I had heard him speak in a while.

"No", I dragged out the word and put him on speaker, opening the twitter app.

"Jesus, I'm so sorry", he said, "I'm so sorry that the pictures got out."

He said "the pictures" like it was something insanely personal that I had sent him. Not even the pictures I had sent him of my daughter were that personal that I didn't want them online. On  the main page of twitter, and down my timeline were pictures of Harry and I on my balcony. Was I surprised? No. Was I shocked? Only a little.

Harry and I were both people in the media, especially after all that happened. The media frenzy had died down a lot in the five years but I created it again when I came out with my book but even that didn't last long. I hadn't been in the news for a solid 5 months 

"Don't apologize, Harry. It isn't that deep" I told him, I could hear him breathing on the other end.

"People just say such nasty things, I don't want you to be victim to that."

"You don't have to protect me. I have already seen some of the worst things imaginable but I've also seen the good. You would be surprised how many people who have followed our case really support me and understand the way I feel. I will be fine."

"Yeah", he sounded a little frustrated with me but still a bit shaken up, probably annoyed with the fact that I didn't need him to protect me.

I had grown up in that way. I knew I didn't need him to save me and I could save myself.

"Are you okay?", I asked, "People say such nasty things."

"I'm fine", he said, "I just hate the way they see me."

The media was a lot harder on Harry than it was on me and for obvious reasons. Where I had gained a lot of supports and a fan base if you will, Harry gained a lot of haters. Even when I came out with the book, people were disgusted by him. Seeing him in ways that I had never even thought of. I had always hoped the book would clear his name a bit, but it never made things better or worse. Harry had to still deal with the hate on a regular basis and I felt for him as much as I could.

"I know. I'm sorry."

"The results should be here in four days", Harry said randomly, it now made it seem like he wanted to just talk to me. Making small talk like we were friends like that.

"Really?", I said shocked, it was coming back so soon. It had been almost a week but I had a feeling that it was going to take a lot longer. 

"Yep."

"I'm glad you brought it up", I remembered all the things that Blu had said to me, bringing me back to reality, " I think we should meet up this week and come up with a serious plan. It's needed and I don't want to move any further if we aren't on the same page."

Harry and I continued to talk for a little but the conversation was dull, like it should be. No pointless conversation or light flirting. I needed to be serious with him for a while until we had this all figured out and he needed to know that. 

Stay/ Rihanna ft. Mikky Ekko

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