letters to hazel

twenty one

Endearing. Endearing was the only way to describe the moment. It was cute because I found everything my daughter did to be cute but I was full of worry. As Harry and Jade began to talk and get along the way they were the moment sat in the back of my mind. I listened to every little thing they talked about and talked along with them when I had anything to add. I just couldn't shake the overall anxiety that I had surrounded these interactions. 

I knew I had nothing to worry about. I was in control of the situation. I trusted Harry in a different way now then I ever did before. Things were different. My mind was just constantly wandering to the past and as a parent now, I sympathize with my parents in our situation a little more. I look at my daughter like she is the world, she is everything pure. My daughter is the future and I couldn't imagine her in the situation I was in. Something like that would never happen. My mind wanders to my daughter in a similar situation to mine. I wander to the idea of her and Harry being really close, closer than her and I are and it scares me.

"How do you know my Mom?", Jade asks and her and Harry both look over to me. 

"Old friends", I say and she nods.

"Like Violet?"

"Yeah like Violet", I nodded and she went back to doing what she was doing with Harry. 

The two of them playing together had to be the cutest thing I had ever seen but I was uneasy. The anxious feeling was hard to shake. I always felt like I was destined to have Harry back into my life and that was true. He had came back into my life just like I had always imagined. I never thought I would be so nervous about it. I never thought the memories from when he held me hostage would come back and cause me so much stress. Those memories never affected me emotionally until now.

I decided to just step outside for a second and just breathe. It wasn't that I didn't trust him it was more the uneasy feeling of all my memories coming back. Stepping outside and feeling the breeze against my skin made goosebumps grow on my skin instantly. It was better than feeling trapped in my own skin like before though.

There was dark rain clouds floating over, it was already raining in the distance and I knew it was coming closer to where we were. The rain would hopefully be soothing but it was perfect weather for how I was feeling at this moment. I closed my eyes and began to focusing on my breathing. The memory of being tied to the chair in Harry's basement vivid in my mind. The hurt in his eyes but the terror I felt and the begging was all I remembered. I cried and cried, mostly because of confusion but also because of fear. I had a headache before I had taken the pills Harry had given me and I wondered what life would be like if I never acted on that headache. 

I opened my eyes and tried to be in the present. There was no use of looking back onto the past when there was nothing I could do to change how things happened. I had to count my blessing too. I was lucky to be alive. I was lucky to have gotten out of the situation I was in. I was lucky to have family that supported me. I was lucky to have the success of my book and the life I was living. Some people didn't have the chances that I did.

"You alright?", Harry said, shutting the front door behind him. The sound of his voice made me jump but as soon as I looked at him I looked away. I didn't have the heart to look him in the eye.

"Yeah I'm fine."

"Jade is the sweetest", Harry began to say, "And she looks a lot like you. Acts a lot like you too and I think it's precious. You can tell how much time the two of you spend together."

"Thank you", I said began to rub my eyes in effort not to cry as Harry stood next to me. 

"Something is wrong."

"No", I lied.

"I know you, Hazel, even if you think I don't."

"I really don't know what to say", I began, "It's just a lot. I waited so long for the day I would finally get to see you again. I craved you for so long and now that you are here, I'm reliving everything that happened with horror. I'm not used to being so nervous around you and I hate that."

"I can just leave", he said defensively. 

"Don't", I said putting my hand up onto his shoulder, urging him not to. His eyes trailed down to my hand and I moved it away. The physical connection, me begging for him was familiar. 

"I just don't want to make you feel like that. It's not worth it", he said. I knew what he meant but I didn't like the sound of it. 

He came to my house to make a connection with my daughter who could possibly be his. If she was his, he was basically saying that making me uncomfortable wasn't worth seeing her. I don't think that is what he meant but it bothered me because that is what the statement implied. I would risk all of the worst feelings to give my daughter a full life.

"It is worth it", I said, "And I can work through it. It isn't about me."

I walked back into the house and Jade came running to my feet. Her tiny arms wrapped around my leg was the sweetest feeling.

"Can we have pizza for dinner?", Jade asked.

"Sure."

"Are you staying for dinner, Harry? I like to talk about mermaids and bigfoot when I eat dinner", she asked wrapping her arms around his legs just like she did mine and he smiled. He looked at her with so much wonder and care before looking back up at me. 

"Yeah he is."

Aww okay, I think this might be one of my favorite chapters I have written in a while! sorry for slow updates, I've been feeling kind of burnt out and uninspired!
Let me know what you think of the chapter and about any ideas you have about the direction of the story.