letters to hazel

nineteen

The process of the DNA test was pretty self explanatory. Harry and I as adults knew what we were doing and knew what it all meant but involving Jade was going to be the hard part. Keeping her in the dark about what it all meant when her curious mind was all over the place was difficult. Not only was her curiosity hard to deal with, but she was smart. I don't assume because my daughter is young, she is stupid. She is smart and I know that she could put together the pieces of what it all was for. 

Today was the official day of the test and my nerves were through the roof. Harry and I had decided to go through a doctor for the results of our test. Harry would go in one day and have them take his DNA, we would come in later that day. We could have done an at home test but the results of it would take a lot longer to come in and the waiting would kill me. All the test would be is a cheek swab to take the cheek cells and in about a week or less we would have the results.

It was any time from a day after we took the test to a week that we would find the results, it scared me. The fact that I was going through with all of this scared me. I had done everything for my daughter. It was just her and I, I had no problem with being everything she needed. Even the idea of having to share her with someone else who as a parent loved her just as much as I did scared me. 

I had decided to call my sister, Blu, in an effort to calm my nerves and to just talk about everything. As much as she hated the situation with Harry, she understood me. She understood the love I was able to hold for him over the years. When I first got home she never judged me for wanting to be with him or the life I wished I had with him. She hated him as most of my family did but she had learned to love a little bit of him for my sake and I loved her for that.

"You know it is 6 am right? People don't wake up this early", Blu practically yelled in her most groggy voice.

"It's DNA test day, I needed to talk to you before it all happens. I'm nervous", I heard her sigh on the other end of the phone, " I'm not gonna have another time to call you because Jade will be up soon."

"You know how I feel about all this. Jade has strong women who support her, she doesn't need a man to give her the world, when she can get the world herself", I agreed with her in that sense but Blu wasn't a mother. She would never understand the responsibility I had as her mother to give her a good life with all the things she deserved. One of those things was a father she could look to and lean on.

"It's not just that", I started and sighed, "If Harry is her father, I have no idea where our relationship is going to go from here."

"Do you want to be with him? Romantically?"

"I don't even know at this point. I just know that the two of us naturally flirt with each other when we are together and I know that if he is going to be in my life forever because we have a daughter together then the idea is going to come up."

"What is there to be scared of, Hazel be honest. Outside of the fear you have of being around him alone, which you would easily get over and the bullshit opinions of the media what are you really scared of?"

"Bringing someone into Jade's life and then losing them."

"I think that's true. I also think you are scared of falling in love with someone again, losing someone that you love too."

She was right in that sense and I never even thought of it. I was a very selfless mother, so much so that I never thought of this. If Harry wasn't her father, we never talked again I would lose him again. I would be heartbroken for another reason. If he was her father and we tried to date and it didn't work out or whatever the case maybe, I would lose him again. I didn't want to have inconsistent people in my daughters life but I didn't deserve inconsistent people either.

"I think you should have Jade meet Harry soon. It doesn't hurt her to have them meet once, just to see how they connect and stuff. Plus, if he is her dad you don't want to spring some random guy into her life", Blu suggested, "Just my idea, sister but I love you and I'm tired so I'm going back to bed."

"Love you."

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"Momma you know I am not sick right? I don't need to see a doctor."

"I know, Jade but this is just something to find out a little bit more of our history", I lied. I could tell her that this test was to tell us where our ancestors had came from and what nationality we were. I figured that she would buy the lie because who was she to know any better.

"Our history?"

"Our ancestors and what countries our family traveled to America from."

"Is my dad our ancestor? I want to know who he is", her answer made me nervous. I know she was curious her father, she had asked questions about him before but I had always pushed around it. I could never give her a certain answer before and I didn't want to blatantly lie to her. It was just odd timing for a question like that.

"Maybe", I finally said and she smiled in her seat, humming to the music on the radio. She had nothing more to say as she played with her toys in the back seat. She was immersed in playing now which meant I didn't have to worry about any surprising questions for a while.

Harry's appointment was at 1:30 and ours was at 2:00. It gave us plenty of time to get in and out of the doctor's office without having to see each other. I wanted to keep Harry and Jade out of each other's lives as much as I could before the results out of protection for Jade. After what Blu had said on the phone, my mind was completely changed. It would be so much worse to introduce Jade to some random guy after finding out if he is her dad than it would if it was someone who she had at least met once. I had pulled my car into the parking lot of the office and pulled my phone out to text Harry.

Hazel: If you are free tonight, I would like you to come over or we could meet somewhere and you could meet Jade.