letters to hazel

twenty six

"I'm so sorry I made you do this", I took my head off of Harry's shoulder, really looking at him. His hair was a mess, he was in a torn up band t-shirt, and sweat pants. He really had just woken up. I hated that I had called him of all people to come and comfort. It went against everything I was trying to do for Jade and I felt weak. I had learned so many ways to support myself and how to be alone with myself but as soon as old man creeped me out, I crawled to Harry. I had every right to, I was really scared but I felt weak.

"Don't apologize", he started, "I'm really glad I could be there for you. And especially with all that he was saying, and how he was acting. No one has ever said that stuff to you before?"

"Never."

"I used to leave the house and people would spit at my feet. Sometimes people would come up to me asking me questions about you, trying to get me to talk about you, or just talking shit about you and saying that you never really loved me."

"I'm so sorry", I hated to think about how hard Harry had it. He had to deal with so much hate while all I ever had was support. This was one of the only times someone had harassed me in public like that. While I had women telling me I got them out of toxic relationships, Harry was dealing with death threats and harassment whenever he left the house. I couldn't help but blame myself for everything he had gone through in his life.

"Just makes me feel weak, crawling to man to make me feel safe."

"You aren't crawling to a man, Hazel. You were worried and scared. It doesn't matter who I am you needed the support of a friend."

I was too hard on myself when it came to Harry and I knew that. It was just so hard to find a balance on what I wanted from him. We were suppose to be working on co-parenting, building a comfortable and healthy friendship, for the sake of Jade. Him comforting me in this moment was completely appropriate between two people in our situation weather it was co-parenting or just friendship. 

"Do you want to start talking about what we are here to talk about?", I said changing the topic. I got up off the couch and walked away from Harry. I needed to drink some water and calm down after this. I needed to keep my head on straight. I knew that if I got too comfortable in these moments with Harry, I would let my mind drift. 

"Can I just say something first?", I nodded, "You don't have to act so cold around me, Hazel, and so tough. I know you, I would like to think better than most even after all this time. You also know better than anyone that I am not this horrible guy and sometimes you act like that around more. You don't need to pretend like I am the worst person to come crawling to when you are worried. I still have so much love for you, Hazel, and you don't have to act like you hate me so much."

I had no comment as I began to pull the papers I had printed about co-parenting out of my purse. I didn't want to say anything, because all of what he said was true. Entirely true. Blu was right in the sense that I had to be serious around Harry and not fall for him too quick or be selfish with my love. Harry was right too, in the sense that we knew each other. We always said we weren't meant to be in this life or in another. The way Harry and I knew each other was different from the way I had known anyone or been close with anyone before. I didn't have to act like things were all business all the time. 

"You printed out papers?", he questioned and I nodded, "Do you want me to read over them?"

"We can talk about it", I said in a small voice. 

"I didn't come prepared with papers like you did, I hope that's okay", he said sarcastically. I sat back down on the couch but this time I was across from him so that we could be more serious. Especially after he called me out, I didn't want to be so close to him.

"You know me so well, Harry, you know I like to write everything out", he rolled his eyes at me and I smirked a bit at the fact that I was getting under his skin. It was a playful remark but I knew he was actually getting mad.

"What are you thinking?", I asked.

"You first."

I didn't know where to start, I wanted to gather my thoughts based on what he had said and then go from there. I had no idea where to start my feelings.

"Well... I think we should talk to her about these things in a way that ease into it. I don't want to spring it onto her randomly if you are her dad and I want her to know you a little better first. I also want the both of us to have time to come to terms with it before telling her", Harry nodded in agreement, " And I think we both need to have an idea of how we went to answer questions about us. There is a lot of things she is going to ask about the two of us and I just really think we need to be on the same page."

"I was thinking the same thing. I don't want her to know about the details of us until really later in the future."

"Exactly. It's not really age appropriate either."

"Communication is a big thing and she is so smart. Kids her age really pick up on the level of tension their parents have and I wouldn't want her to feel anything that we are feeling for each other. If we are angry at each other, she doesn't need to know."

"We aren't angry at each other", I added, it was almost like he was hinting at the way he had just called me out.

"Okay continue", he said ignoring what I had said.

"What kind of schedule would you like to have with her?", I asked. I was pretty open to ideas I had decided. I knew what I wanted but this situation was entirely about me. I was nervous with her spending so much time away from me but I also knew that we would eventually ease into her spending more and more time with Harry. I had spent so much time with Jade and if Harry was her father he deserved time with her too.

"Whatever you are really comfortable with and whatever she is comfortable with. I am willing to really open up my schedule to make this work in a way that is best for her" he began to ramble, " I just want to be the dad. I want to be around her as much as she wants her to be and learn as much as I can. I never imagined this is how I would be in this situation and I would hate to not make up for lost time with her."

"I'm glad we are on the same page then. I was thinking you would get the weekends, she could sleepover and then I would get the week. You could see her whenever during the week and we could do dinner or whatever just no overnights. I don't want her to feel like her life is completely changing. Her school life should stay really normal."

"Summers can be different?", he asked. During the conversation he had seemed to scoot closer to me and began looking at the paper that I had on my lap, our thighs were touching at this point. 

"Of course."

"I just want her to see us happy. If we are going to co-parent we truly have to commit to it. I want her to see you treated well and understand that is how she needs to be treated. I want her to see happiness when she sees us together. I want her to think that we are in love even if we aren't and if we are angry with each other, she doesn't need to know", he rambled on and I locked eyes with him as he finished his sentence. Love was in his eyes and I looked back with the same look as he placed his lips quickly onto mine. 

Hello! There is literally no excuse for lack of updates at this point. I am at a really good place though in my life for the first time in a really long time though so hopefully writing these stories is something I can fall back in love with again! I hope you enjoy!
Also, Kitten is almost at a million reads which is so exciting for me and I am so proud of the story! I am kind of interested in actually publishing the book! I would clean it up a bit, add some detail, make the stories longer, and change up the characters a bit but if that is something you are interested in or would like LET ME KNOW!!
Love you!!!