letters to hazel

seventeen

I was going to lie, putting all of Piper's things into a moving van and letting her leave was hard. I hated to be alone, walking back into my house knowing that she was coming back was hard. Knowing that I was going to be sleeping and living alone scared me more than anything. To be alone in this house with my thoughts was like torture. Piper was the joy in my home, always brightening the energy around me. It was going to be hard to get used to not having her company and spirit.

It was all for the best though and I knew I would always have a friend in Piper. After all we had been through together, there was no way I could not have her in my life somehow. They say you can't be friends with your exes but I knew I would always be friends with Piper. I believe you have many soulmates in each life and I knew she was one of mine. She was a loyal, selfless, and kind-hearted person, the kind of person you could always have in your life. 

Hazel: You know I will always love and care for you, Harry. I hope things are going all right and if you need to talk about anything you always know where to find me. I really, really want to talk about the DNA test, I have a lot of questions for you and It's just been sitting really heavy in my mind the past few days.

The text from Hazel made my head spin as I checked my phone. I set it down having no idea how to respond. A whole new set of worries and thoughts had came into my head. 

Piper left me with the belief that I would get into a relationship with Hazel. I just didn't know how realistic that was. Hazel said she would always have love for me but I didn't know if that love was on the same level that I had for her. The same romantic love that I longed to have with her. Even after all this time, I still felt like she was the one for me. I imagined falling asleep to her after long days and doing the most simple tasks with joy because she was right next to me. I couldn't help but wonder if with her maturity, she only had platonic love and appreciation for me. If she were to consider a relationship with me, that would surprise me more than anything.

Harry: Thank you, love.

Harry: I am actually home all week, if you wanted to stop by my place some time this week we could talk about it and decide where to go from here.

Hazel: What does your girlfriend think of all this? I feel really super creepy but I did some research and you two have been together for a while. I don't want to intrude.

Harry: Well don't worry too much, we just broke up. 

Harry: Nothing to intrude on.

I wanted to slightly flirt in all of our text messages. There was something so natural about texting Hazel that made me want to fall back into old habits. She was easy to talk to and the way she texted was so similar to the way she spoke. 

Hazel: Oh shit, sorry. When did this happen?

Harry: Roughly two hours ago. Right when I got off the phone with you.

Hazel: It's totally my fault.

Harry: Don't put that blame on yourself, Hazel. That is unfair and you know it.

Hazel: Well she knows our history enough to see me back in your life and feel threatened, I get that. It's unfair of me to come back into your life in the smallest bit and demand attention by being like "Hey I have a kid, could be yours."

Hazel: I feel bade but also I'm making A LOT of assumptions so maybe I shouldn't.

Harry: You would be surprised actually. She was really cool about everything, she always had been. It's crazy actually.

Hazel: Crazy how?

Harry: She didn't want to hold me back from you and the potential we could have.

Hazel: Wow.

Wow, was my reaction exactly. Same old, worry wart Hazel. She had been the same when I knew her and this time for completely understandable reasons. I saw that she was typing more of a message but it never came, like she had stopped. I started to question if I had gotten too far. They always say that you shouldn't talk about exes with new people but it didn't feel like that was Hazel.

I shouldn't have jumped into "The potential of us" talk too soon though. It had to scare her just a little. I know that there had to be some trauma and fear about a relationship involving her and I again. Thinking of the trauma that  I could have potentially realized made me realize how slow I was going to have to take it. If I was too quick to fall back into old ways with her it would push her away. I couldn't even assume or fantasize too much on "the potential of us" because she could not just jump into a relationship recklessly. 

Hazel had a child. A child that she took so much pride in and was raising on her own. A child that she had to support all on her own and be the mother and father too. She had a lot of responsibilities as a mother. I had to understand that was more of a priority to her life than any relationship with me could be.

Harry: I am about to go to bed but if you are free Tuesday and Thursday, those days work best for me.

Hazel: Tuesday at 11 a.m. See you then. Sleep well.