Bands: #3

I Haven't Said Much About This Lately.

Joel Birch: I'M SO DEPRESSED PEOPLE MUST RESPECT MY FEELINGS OR I WILL BE MORE TRIGGERED THAN ANY SJW OR FEMINAZI TO EVER EXIST. GIVE ME ATTENTION!!!!!!

Oh but when someone else meagrely mentions not being thrilled as fuck about the struggles of touring?

Joel: MEH GET OVER YOURSELF. I'M THE DRAMA QUEEN, BITCH, JUST SHUT UP ABOUT YOUR STUPID LIFE AND LET ME BE THE ONLY COMPLAINER IN THE ENTIRE MUSIC INDUSTRY.

Joel: *crying and throwing a tantrum* MUM, SOME BOY ON TWITTER IS HAVING A PROBLEM AND IT'S ANNOYING ME BECAUSE I'M THE ONLY PERSON ALLOWED TO HAVE PROBLEMS!

Joel's mother: Bisch I disowned you thirteen years ago, you little shit.

Joel's father: the last thirteen years have truly been great...

Joel: *to his siblings if he has any* PLLEEAAAASSSEEEE MAAAKEEEE THAAATTT HOORRRRIIIBBLLLLEEEE BOOOYYYY OOONN TWWWIITTTEEEERRR COOMMIITTT SUUUIIICCCIIIDDDE! I WOULD DO IT BUT EVER SINCE I GREW LAZY AS F IN 2014, I'VE [INDIRECTLY] KILLED FAR TOO MANY PEOPLE.
Siblings: *hold up papers* DID YOU FORGET THESE RESTRAINING ORDERS, DICKHEAD?!
Joel: FIIINNEEE I'LL GET BRYAN STARS WITH THREE S' TO DO IT.
Bryan: nah bisch, I'm too busy sucking Andy Biersack's cock.
Andy: HE KIDNAPPED ME!

(kcllinquinn you know I had to include that topic.)

Joel: UGH MY LIFE IS SO DIFFICULT! TIME TO GO WHINE TO THOSE PEOPLE AT AA MEETINGS AND MAKE THEM WANT TO RATHER KILL THEMSELVES THAN ENDURE LISTENING TO ME!
Ahren: fuck this shit I'm out.
Dan: same here.
Other dude that Joel doesn't care enough about to even know his name 'cause Joel is too busy worrying about himself: me too.
Joel: UGH MY WIFE IS NOW GONNA HAVE TO LISTEN TO THIS STORY OF HOW HORRIBLE MY LIFE IS AND I'M GONNA WRITE SOME SONG ABOUT IT BUT I CAN'T PLAY INSTRUMENTS AND DON'T HAVE A BAND AND THE ONLY REASON I SCREAM SO WELL IS DUE TO ALL THE TANTRUMS...
Wife: I'm getting a divorce.
Joel: WHAT?!
Wife: You're an annoying prick. Oh and I've been cheating on you.
Joel: WITH WHO?!?!
Wife: Ahren, Dan, the other guy, and my divorce lawyer.
Joel: But... isn't your lawyer female?!
Wife: DID YOU JUST ASSUME THEIR GENDER?!
Joel: I'M JOEL BIRCHSEED AND I HAVE A TOUGH LIFE SO I HAVE AN EXCUSE TO ASSUME GENDERS.
Wife: You have no excuses. And I'm just messin' with ya, she is female.
Joel: when did all this happen?! And why am I caring about your life?!?!
Wife: Remember how I never wanted to fuck you whilst we were dating? That's 'cause I was banging the rest of Amity. And when we got married and you did me, it was so horrible I went from questioning bisexuality to realising that I'm 182% gay and literally afraid of that thing you call your "dick".
Joel: *speechless.*
Wife: it's also worth noting that the first time I did a girl was at the therapist's office whilst discussing your disgusting genitalia that have scarred me for life. So pack your shit up and leave.
Joel: UUGGGHHH FINE, I DON'T NEED YOU ANYWAY!
Wife: I never did.
Joel: I'LL LET THE OCEAN TAKE ME.
Ocean: WE'VE GOT PLENTY OF FISH IN THE SEA, JOEL. WE'RE CURRENTLY OVERFLOWING. YOU CAN STAY IN THE BARN UP THE BACK IF YOU WANT.
Joel: OKAY FIINNEEE.

Have you guysss ever wondered why Joel is gaining weight? Well here's your answer:

During his stay at the barn that night, Joel started to feel strange, getting cramps and aches. Then he remembered that nine or so months back, a demonic spirit visited him in his bedroom whilst his wife was faking an orgasm. This spirit told him that he would be the father of the devil's child.
Fast-forward back to now: Joel was in the barn, surrounded by batshit nothing 'cause even the hay ran away from him, giving birth through his "dick".
He soon gave birth to the devil's child, otherwise known as his ego.
This monstrosity would soon destroy the world more than Trump could ever imagine of doing.
Before he knew it, three wise men were standing next to him. Their names were Ahren, Dan and the other guy. Why were they wise? 'CAUSE THEY RAN THE FUCK AWAY FROM AMITY, LEAVING JOEL IN THEIR PASTS.
They told Joel to burn in hell with his ego and left.

The ego still roams free to this day.

|-/

Now I know what you're all thinking:

But honestly you had to see this coming.

Joel's ego needs to be made into a Creepypasta. 

.

You know what annoys me?

I'M LATE TO THIS POLL:

So yeah. I didn't get a chance to tell Joel to go fuck himself, regardless of how right he was on America's greatness.

Expect more of these sorts of things tbh.

ALSO:
I was at the tennis last night and the host got us to do the Mexican wave. Note: Hosts's name is Adrian.

Adrian: Do it fast, and very, very loud. That sounded a bit weird.

Yes, Adrian, it did. Very, very weird.

-

And after Nick Kyrgios signed my hat, I couldn't for the life of me catch the freaken pen. (I tried like ten times!)
And yknow what he said?
Nick: *Laughing* Your catching skills are horrible!
Me: *Laughing* I know!
Random guy next to me: he really has a point.
Me: Who the fuck asked you anything?

Later when I was getting Lucie Hradecka's signature, and I actually caught the pen, the security guard said to me "nice catch".

I shall forever be known as the worst catcher in history.