a teen's journal | rants

who's the fakest of 'em all?

whY is school actual shit?

like if you're one of those people who actually enjoy school everyday and have stable friendships and it's all fun and dandy..

you're goals. (aaaand you might not quite relate to this chapter but aye stick around and hear out my experience)

i just don't get why it has to suck so bad?? like i go to a small, very difficult private college prep school. and FUNNY ENOUGH IT ISNT EVEN THE ACADEMICS THAT IM SO BADLY STRUGGLING WITH LIKE WTF! i mean its super hard, which makes me wish that at least the social part could be easy so i could have a breAK.

sorry imma rant a lot I'm typing this in school too so I'm like more triggered than usual, y'know?

so my school is years 6-12, and I've been here since year six and known these people since YEAR SIX

you can imagine my annoyance.

so when my only guy friend here tells me "oh cmon you're just closing people off by not having more friends go get yourself out there blah BLAH BLAHhfkfbkbfk" i wanna be like BOI because i have zero desire of befriending the majority of these people. there are some people who i don't mind having as friends but ill get to that at the end

its sad really, like i cry over this a lot because i feel like.. like something is wrong with me. like why am i the way that i am?? high school shouldn't be this hard, but it is when you don't have someone, at least some friends. i know and try to think with the mindset of "you know, I won't know these people three years from now in college, i won't be seeing them again, it doesn't matter. I'm fine." but thats so hard when you look at how many years you have left in this school, and having to go it alone, sit quietly at some table with pretty much strangers at lunch... it sounds terrifying.

do any of you all relate? do you have a lot of friends, or more like a couple best friends and just acquaintances? are there any loners like me in the audience? remember i wanna get to know you guys so please feel free to rant to me!

let me tell you what has happened to me in the past, i'll try to summarize it as much as i can.

going from 8 to 9th grade:

so i made a friend in year 8, ill call her K. she and I became best friends and I hadn't had a real friend for the whole three years i had been at the school. people straight up tell me now that they don't even remember me being at the school in year 6 (which is kind of a rude thing to tell someone in my opinion, it makes me feel worthless or that no one cares, y'know?)

anyway, there was another girl who was friends with K too, so us three were all kinda friends but i noticed the other girl didn't really like me as much.

then my heart breaks because K tells me that she is switching schools for 9th grade, and I find out that the other girl is doing the exact same, so they'd both go to school together at the same school (they did it bc our school, the one i still attend, raised tuition)

so in the summer between year 8 and 9, both girls promised me we'd all hang out and keep in contact, and only that K girl did, so K and I sort of got mad at the other girl because even K told the other girl to text me a simple "hi, how are you" but NOPE, NADA. she never kept her promise to stay in contact. so when the new school year started, i was alone, and invited to hang with this group of girls who lets just say made me depressed to the point of suicidal but hey thats another story. so K and i always texted and she told me the other girl completely ignored her at the new school so we were mad. K and I would hang out when we could, and it was okay. as time passed, her and the other girl got closer again and I just had to support that and be happy K was fitting in however I never fit in. i just knew though that i never cared to see the other girl again, because she showed her true colors of hating my guts.