a teen's journal | rants

damn, you fine af

my titles are weird, just bear with me.

i wanna ask you, like, what are some physical characteristics about you that make you distinct? (i'm not trying to be stalker like, i have a point to this)

for me, some of them are that i'm super short. i'm only 5ft, just flat out 5ft. i have glasses which make people think i'm nerdy, which i'm not, i'm just a workaholic and i work on homework that i don't enjoy all the time. my fashion sense is a lot of adidas clothing, i'm obsessed with the brand (no i'm no athlete tho haha). i'm not the skinniest, but i'm about average i suppose. my eyes are boring (to me) and brown, my hair is brown but on its own growing red for some reason??? idek

now with any of those characteristics, are there any that you're self conscious over? are you self conscious about something? if so, what is it, and why?

honestly, my confidence is shit.

i have major problems being happy with myself and i don't get it. i know i'm not the only one either. i just don't get why my brain can't be like "oh, okay so you're having problems at school, you're not really the most social and don't have many friends, why don't i give you a break, you're gorgeous and you know it."

life ain't that easy.

lately, and by that i mean for like years now, i've struggled especially with weight and my body. my sister suffered through severe anorexia, a rough time for all of us, so i've seen how bad things can get. (she's recovered so she's alright. she's stunning) i always figured that since i've seen the extremity i would know not to take it far, but i wanted to lose like 5-10 pounds and manage at that weight.

that's the thing though.. like i didn't need to, i'm at the supposed range for my age/height or whatever, but i wanted to.

when i decided i wanted to two years ago, i don't think i went at it in a good way. i was doing a sport because i needed school credit, and i was stressed out of my mind from school and friend issues, and i didn't really plan the whole eating thing, so i started losing my hair. this is a very difficult thing for me to talk about because it's what really made me the most self conscious and aided in me getting depression, and something that still does when i bring it up. i really never share it with people, like people don't really know. it took me a year and a half to sort of recover that, and i still take vitamins and use a special shampoo that helps me to have stronger hair because i'm afraid.

i remember something that girl 'K' (if you read my chapter about friendships you'll know her) once said to me that hurt my feelings so bad when we were friends. she didn't know it hurt me, but it kinda shows how mature she was when she said it. i told her what i was going through inside with my hair falling out, and what does she say? she says "oh that's cool, you can just like pull your hair out and it comes easy."

who the fuck says shit like that to someone?? when she said it, i literally was shocked like tf?? this isn't cool at all?!?

here's the point of all this. so i've gotten better in learning to eat but healthier (though between us, my parents seem a little on edge by the amounts or my choices, but i feel it's because they're scared about me doing what my sister did). i'm maintaining my weight and have been but recently i got to where i wanted to be. i got to my goal. and i'm still around it and when i look in the mirror now, some days i am still not completely happy with how my body looks and with others, i'm at least okay, and i look at myself with a bit of happiness that i'm taking care of myself okay, but i'm not completely ever happy. but who is?

the thing that bugs me the most isn't the way i'm looking, it's that i was bothered by my look in the first place. why did i want to change myself and constantly think about this? why did i make myself the way i am now when i feel a little upset after eating a dessert? why am i the way now where i try to cut off anything sweet? why did i force myself to care so much about eating around a certain number of calories?? why do i get upset now when i'm too tired for a little workout?

it pisses me off, but now it's habit. i'm trying to just take care of myself now. see like it's a good thing to be somewhat health-conscious, and i'm glad i'm at least trying to take care of myself, but i don't want to go too extremist. i don't think i am extreme yet, but it worries me. and since i'm okayish with how i look now, i hope that i can lighten up with all that, and i hope you can support me too, because i need it.

have any of you suffered through something like that?

lately i've tried thinking of the root of the problem, why i sought to lose the extra weight i didn't necessarily have to and why i've sort of become this way.

school is apart of this. i get pissed when i have the mentality of thinking i should change so maybe i'll date someone or something like that. that's all bullshit.

don't ever change yourself for someone because that is bullshit.

there's a girl at school who i don't necessarily get along with (she's someone who hates me) and she literally will not eat too much because a guy might be watching and she doesn't wanna look fat. i will not be that person. fuck that if i wanna eat my lunch i will and if a guys watching he's probably not even giving a fuck.

i hate it because there are like 4 girls and 4 guys in the grade that all date each other and don't even open their doors to any of the other girls/boys, which must make other people, not just me, just as self conscious. what's wrong with us? why don't you consider someone else?

i know that's partially why i'm self conscious and i hate that. maybe now that i don't care to date any of these people anyway, i might not care as much?

gosh when people wonder why i hate school, i really don't know where to begin.

though honestly, i hate thinking something like "oh yeah i know my friends will get dates to the prom/dances and i won't. why you ask? well they're pretty, yknow?"

self-confidence. it's something hard to obtain, and most people never will. something i'm trying to do is start loving myself, no matter how many things i dislike. i'll be okay if my hair gets a little redder, my face is the one i'll always be stuck with, so better get used to it and start loving it. i actually love the fact that i'm short (especially bc i wanna date a tall guy because it's goals). my body is under my control and i was made by my parents, and by God. i need to love myself, inside out, because i'm stuck with me for as long as i have, and hopefully i'll meet someone who wants to be stuck with this too. our reasons for self-consciousness usually don't even make sense when you truly try to figure out why you hate something about yourself.

i don't mean to pry, but if you have also felt similar to what i've felt or you can relate, comment! it's been awhile since we've talked and i miss it.

i also hope no one from school reads this lmao every day i walk in i feel like i'm always being watched and judged, a horrible feeling when you're already self conscious about everything, so don't really need them to know ANY of this haha

although i've let some of that go because i won't put on a ton of makeup some days or i just will not give a fuck some days because WE ARE ALL ALLOWED TO BE TIRED AND LOOK LIKE SHIT SOME DAYS SO FUCK YOU ALL

anyway😂 idk how i feel after letting that out. i feel kind of okay to see my thoughts on paper and voice them instead of keeping it inside i guess. i know that this entry has been a bit deep and weird, but the next one is scheduled to be interesting and funny (i hope) so stay tuned! thanks for reading and letting me rant, i'll see you with the next entry.