a teen's journal | rants

DEPRESSION & HARRY STYLES

there's a lot in this update...
i mean, idek how i can write this.
but i'm having a lot of feelings right now that i need to get off my chest and if you're here to listen, i appreciate it.

(ps: my harry concert/front row experience is included in here)

so, i'm currently enduring a crisis.

school ended in May for me and let me say A-FUCKING-MEN to that. i'm so bloody happy, this school year was absolutely shit. i had horrible teachers, it was so difficult, and i couldn't handle it. plus i was just utterly annoyed with the people around me, and when you go to a tiny school, and it's always the same people, that shit just gets so old so fast.

i made good grades on my exams! even my history one that i was sure i failed because i literally walked out knowing i'd never taken an exam i knew less than half of. the first day of summer, my class (the new senior class of 2019) was called in for a meeting about college and the step we as rising high school seniors need to take this summer.

the effect that meeting had on me was not good at all.

see, since the issues my sister had last year in october, i was hit with an epiphany that i really, in fact, did lose out on my childhood since i was 11. i always kind of thought about it, but it hit me when my sister told me last october about her suicidal thoughts that all the weight of her i carried as the younger sister was a burden i had since i was 11, and since 11, i made myself mature for a number of reasons:
A: be mature so my parents didn't have to worry about me and could focus on her needs.
B: be mature to maybe inspire her and be a role model for my older sister.
C: be mature so i could get past the tough times since i was so young.

and it wasn't only the constant, never ending family issues that surrounded my sister that made me grow up too quickly, it was that my personal life fell apart as well, and that affected my childhood/high school/teenage experience. for example, any best friend i made hurt me every time to the point that i fucking cried about them afterwards and they drove me further to my introversion to the point where going out for two hours exhausts me and i have complete social anxiety that i always stress about getting rejected again. i had to grow up quickly and almost teach myself to have trust issues and get defensive about not getting hurt again and grow up by getting over them.

though that stuff had a major impact, it was my sister and all of her acting out and behavior that had the biggest of all. you see, one of the biggest things that i realize now screwed me up was my parents and the things they said to me over the years. i've never blamed them for stuff or for my depression and issues because i always figured everything is always my fault and i'm just a stupid idiot who is depressed because she hates a lot about herself and feels lonely, but they take partial blame here for making me this way.

since my sister started making mistakes, since i was so young, my parents have constantly said: "please, don't act like she does" and "don't be like your sister. don't change".

i realize now how badly that screwed me over.

all my life, i've always tried to be the more mature, act older, smarter, and most of all, least problematic. i don't go out (also because i have no one here i really care to go out with), and if i do, i come home reasonably, and i never act out. EVER.

and from all those constant reminders, and from seeing how depressed my sister got in october and how she missed home so much (granted, my fucking idiotic cousin she's obsessed with is the whole reason she's screwed up and that's obviously not a factor with me), i feel like i can't make mistakes. ever.

my parents were very willing to bring my sister home when she got detrimentally depressed last october, but they were also a bit mad that she couldn't last a couple of weeks back at that damn university they keep paying so much for, and i also saw how much stress she brought them. since that day, i've worries about going to uni, and experiencing the same homesickness, and having to stress them out again, because that's not what i want.