a teen's journal | rants

level 16

damn, what's it been? a month? more than a month?

the reason i've not uploaded something here in over a month is...
1. i'm busy as fuck because being a 10th grader sucks
2. didn't know if i wanted to keep this book going
3. i just have a lot going on, including mentally

this is just such a crazy time in my life right now.

i've been 16 for over a month now, my birthday was last month (hence, i'm on "level 16" of life, i made it, i passed the shit level that was 15) and i was blessed to go to new york for a few days during my bday/spring break and also meet my (internet) best friend for the very first time in person. it was a very amazing time for me.

but when i got back from that trip, a lot changed. my mind changed a little and i began to be a little different.

i'm so quiet right now. like wow. i feel like just being with my best friend made me realize what it's like to have one right next to you in person, and going back to school where i don't have one, it hit me hard.

at school i just don't like talking. what's the point? i don't have people here that i'm close to. i'm just here to get my education and get out honestly.

my guy friend SERIOUSLY wants to change that and change me, and i realized, if we were good friends, you wouldn't want to change me. you'd accept who i am and stick by how i feel. but he doesn't know, comprehend, or coherently understand how i feel and if i tell him he rubs it off and forgets.

i refuse to go to parties, i refuse to have a party or have friends over, because i've become just so tired of putting on a smile and dealing with the fact i'm unhappy. there comes a time when you can't mask it anymore.

it could be just me falling through a spell of depression like i do every once in a while. the stress of school and prom (which is tonight, we'll get to that later) and just everything else doesn't help my depression at all. i feel like i'm losing everything; my sister being away at college isn't fun because since i have no one here to talk to, if she still lived here i would just talk to her, but she's busy and has her own things and we don't talk as often. i feel i took all of the time we had at home together for granted all these years.

i have a constant fear of the people i do have like my sister and best friend kinda drifting apart from me, it's so scary to me.

anyway, lets get to the important topic, prom.

ITS TONIGHT

FUCK

MY ANXIETY LEVELS DIDNT LET ME SLEEP LAST NIGHT

IM SO ANXIOUS BC I HATE SOCIALIZING I HATE GOING OUT AND NOW I HAVE TO TRY AND LOOK DECENT AND I DONT DO PICTURES BUT SO MANY PICTURES TONIGHT AND SO MANY PEOPLE TOO MANY PEOPLE AND IM GOING TO DINNER WITH 10 PEOPLE THATS SO MUCH IM SO SOCIALLY ANXIOUS

AND I HAVE A DATE AND HES NICE WE ARE KINDA FRIENDS AND IM LIKE WTF I CANT TALK TO PEOPLE BUT IM SUPPOSED TO TALK TO YOU OKAY HOW

AND I HAVE TO LOOK PRETTY BUT I DONT REALLY LIKE MY APPEARANCE SO HAHA WHAT IM LITERALLY GETTING MY MAKEUP DONE BECAUSE I DONT KNOW SHIT ABOUT MAKEUP

JUST PLEASE IF YOU READ THIS PRAY FOR ME IM SO SCARED I DONT WANNA GO I WANNA STAY HOME IN MY PJS AND SLEEP

and another topic i need to discuss