a teen's journal | rants

all by myself

okay tell me if i'm being relatable

have you ever like been in such a funk or mood that you are just really needy, and by needy, i mean like you're single, right, and you just really really

really

really want a boyfriend/girlfriend?

is that just me?

idk what the fuck is wrong with me

like usually i'm me, y'know, single, boss ass, i'm-okay-by-myself-because-fuck-high-school-dating, but i'd say for the past week or so i'm like

I WANNA CUDDLE WITH ANY GUY IDGAF WHO JUST SOMEONE CUDDLE ME AND I WANT A CUTE BOYFRIEND CAN I HAVE ONE?? SOMEONE HUG ME AND LOVE ME

and i DONT EVEN LIKE CUDDLING IM CLAUSTROPHOBIC

like wtf who is she i don't know her

but here's what i realize

i've been so "needy" that i like fantasize and picture all these thoughts in my mind and funnily enough, my true self is still in here, because i picture it happening in college

like i keep thinking about meeting people in college.

why am i so desperately trying to grow up like i want to be a kid but i also want to think about college and studying my interests and cute guys who hopefully also like things i like and then we become friends first like super good friends that all our other friends (hopefully i'll be not as antisocial haha) will think we're perfect for each other and boom magic and happiness and rainbows my dudes

but also i'm so desperate for a cuddle now that waiting two years until college and who knows how long until i meet the guy doesn't sound fun.

and picturing said guy with his face just a blur in my mind isn't fun either

sometimes i think about harry styles just because i need a face ffs and i love him more than myself already so it kinda works

and it's help me come into understanding of why i love fan fiction so much and writing it and reading it. it lets me get my feelings out and exploit them on other fictional characters.

i just realized i sound alone and sad and a little fucked up but i'll own it. you gotta own who you are. i mean, it's been almost a month of summer and i've willingly not seen a single person from school so that covers the alone part, and the sad part is clearly all these thoughts, and fucked up, well, that's all of me but hopefully you'll love me anyway

these thoughts ought to disappear soon enough i bet, and i hope. i don't really like feeling this way like it's a hopeless feeling that goes nowhere and is annoying aside from it advancing my writing but that's it

i mean i've advanced a lot i'm planning a book 2 to my book i've not even finished yet😂

have any of you ever like had this? i'm sure i've probably had it before it's just been forever

this chapter is a little update on my life i suppose and how i'm doing i guess. as you can tell i won't be deleting this journal but i'll try and see what's good enough to write in here and update

i think i was just anxious about this book because i see it in my works and nothing's going on with it so i'm like AGH😅😅

but moving on...

so in other news i suppose i'm not completely all by myself, my sister is back home (however she has literally slept until 5pm) and she's always on her phone talking to other people and so far the promise of hanging out together has failed so that's tight tight tight