a teen's journal | rants

hello, its me

long time no see (if anyone still reads this lmao). at this point i'm speaking freely and listening to the lyrics of Fire Away of Niall's (if you haven't heard that gorgeous song btw, please listen above), which means i'm blabbing away in here and if anyone ~happens~ to read this, be prepare to be reading some real deep shit :)

i haven't uploaded since the year began, so here's summing up how my year has gone so far.

one thing that happened to me (and i proceeded to die of laughter) was that i won my class favorite competition this year, so now two years in a row. do i still feel any different at the fact that i've won again?? nope. i'm still that quiet bitch in the corner of school with like no friends lmao but people voted for me anyway so that's cool i guess

honestly i'm just really stressed, yknow? with my student responsibilities, and my sister with her stuff, and all the depression i've been dealing with (especially lately).

like now we supposed to be thinking of university at my age and even as someone who sort of knows what she wants to do, it's occurring to me that i'll be starting that part of my life soon where i'll be striving toward getting there and it scares me like you wouldn't believe. i don't really show it that it worries me, if you ask people who see me in person they'd say i seem pretty confident and that i'm just a smart ass but the truth is that i am just as anxious as the rest.

i went to california to see my sister like mid-February (overall not a great visit in my opinion. to sum it up, my sister was emotionless the entire time until the end, right before we are leaving, and she actually cries for us not to go. it's been hard to talk about and people keep asking me how california was and idk what to say). while in california, i went to visit Pepperdine university, and that was the first university i ever went to visit for myself. i has gone to visits for my sister when she was looking, and now that it was for me, the entire time i was holding my breath, i was so fucking nervous. my parents were asking me how i liked it and i couldn't give them an answer? it wasn't a bad school (though the price is TOO MUCH and their a bit more religious than i would like), but i just couldn't say something because i didn't know what to say.

i'm going through the existential crisis of not wanting to grow up. you see, i had to mature very early from family issues when my sister got ill, and since then, and from how i was shaped post that event, i feel i lost my childhood, my carefree-ness, my extrovertness, etc.

and how coincidental that i'm turning seventeen on the 12th of march. i'm terrified.

now to go into my lovely depression that has been hard at work, honestly, ever since the night of harry's birthday, february 1st. that night i got sad for no reason and cried myself to sleep. i've been so low for so long now, and it got worse recently because school has been really stressful and my teachers are pure evil in wanting to make me kermit sue of side :))))

i keep crying at night like alllllll the time. i keep having these bad thoughts. i don't want to say what they are, i can't bear the thought of even spelling them out. all i can let myself write is bad thoughts.

i've started putting on a facade at school, i hate when people notice and then they ask about it (mostly those who don't really care, because you can differentiate between who cares and who doesn't). but then i come home and i'm just working on homework nonstop and wanting to just cry.

like the last day this week i went to school after having cried the night before and i didn't wanna talk. i had a project in my history class to present and i refused to even do that. the entire day i just wanted to cry.

i'm so overwhelmed with responsibilities and trying to maintain a good grade and stuff and it seems to be getting more impossible. i'm falling apart and tearing at the seams.