Out Into The Light (A Hamilton Fanfic)

Chapter Forty: Don't Do Sadness/Blue Wind

*TRIGGER WARNING: READER DISCRETION IS ADVISED*

Being alone, I found, was not a bright idea. The silence of the apartment was deafening as I tried to busy myself by doing the dishes, but the rhythmic motion of washing didn't help. My thoughts trickled to my family.

Every other night I have nightmares of finding Mom. Her face was pale and her blue eyes blank. Her skin was dyed pink from the bloodied water around her. The vertical marks on her wrists were the bloodiest part about her.

After I left, she must've cried for hours before making her decision. She spent a hour or so making that video for me. She shakingly wrote her letter saying "I love you." Then she was inconsolable as she sat on the edge of the tub. Running water and cries were the only sounds heard from my apartment. Suddenly, her tears ran out as numbness filled her core. She barely even felt the hot water against her skin when she got in. She laid there thinking about my brothers and father. The boys' bright smiles haunting the ghost inside her. My father's intimate moments overshadowed everything that he'd done to her. Maybe she thought of me. Maybe she thought of my older siblings. Maybe she felt guilty for what she was about to put us through. Yet she still took up the knife. Yet she placed it against her wrist and felt the pressure against the veins as she cut towards herself. Quickly, she would've lost blood. By the second pint she would've felt faint. Her heart would've beat fast and her skin turned pale. She would've passed out by the fourth pint. She was asleep when she died. She was asleep when she left me.

Was I not good enough for her? I shouldn't have left her. I shouldn't have told her about Dad's infidelity. But I did and she died.

Before I knew it, I was leaning against my bed frame shaking. My breath was uneven and I fell into a dramatic frenzy. I couldn't breathe. I couldn't breathe. I couldn't breathe.

I fell into memories. 

I was suddenly nine again. I was in the kitchen trying to make Mac and cheese for supper per Dad's orders. I stood on the stepstool carelessly as I stirred the pot. Logan came running in with Layton on his tail.

"Why'd you tell Marissa I liked her!" Layton screamed as Logan attempted to hide between the stepstool and the fridge.

"Because you took my penguin erasers!" Lucas yelled back. I rolled my eyes. Boys!

Layton jumped forward and Logan kicked forward. The stepstool jerked and I lost my sense of balance. A bang and clang followed as I hit the ground. I grimaced at the pain in my shoulder, but my priorities were checked as I realized the Mac and cheese had spilled all over the white tile. I looked up in fear as Logan and Layton fled the scene. Powerful footsteps sounded up the stairs and I was frozen to my spot on the floor.

"What the hell was that," my dad yelled. Anger at out tomfoolery was obvious. He came into the kitchen and his cold blue eyes narrowed onto me. His fury increased when he saw the food all over the floor.

"Honestly, can you do anything right? You're so stupid. Can't you make Mac and cheese without fucking it up?"

I looked away. No, I can't do anything without making a mess.

"Hurry and clean it up! Since you spilled it you can have what you spilled or not eat," Dad reasoned what he thought was fair. Mom said Dad was different before he went in the army. I never got to meet that Dad.

I nodded to my father and quickly cleaned up the mess while he went back downstairs. I cleaned up the spilled noodles and threw them away. I wasn't eating.

And I was back.

I shook uncontrollably as I tried to figure out how to make this stop. I wanted everything to stop. My thoughts went to Aya and some of my other friends. They said the reason they did it was to relieve the pain. I never felt emotion very intensely, so I had no idea what to do. I tried to push it all away and forget it, but, like a volcano, it all erupted again. I crawled forward to my desk and rifled through one of the drawers. My hand snatched up what I needed. I fell against my bed frame again and unlocked the pocketknife's blade.