Through the looking glass

A Letter to my dear cousin

Dear Ayesa,

     You probably wanted me to die when I attempted suicide. I know, I'm the real villain in your story. I know you think that I've stolen a lot of things from you way back then. I get it, you hate me and I'm sorry.

    Well, gusto ko sanang malaman mo kung paano ba naging kami noon ni Jake. It all started when I was diagnosed with early onset breast cancer. Ang bata ko pa noon, I was only thirteen pero aggressive. Halos ilang taon akong nakipaglaban. Pavalil-balik kasi at ayokong ipatanggal ang glands ko. You see, pangarap kong naging nanay. I want to know how it feels like to breastfeed a child.

   Remember my friend Mila? Siya 'yung sinabi mong dugyot kasi sobrang luma ng damit niya at nakikipaglaro siya akin. You got mad at me that day kasi binigyan ko siya ng mga damit at pagkain. Sinabi mo pa noon na baka kung anong sakit ang makuha ko kala Mila, 'di ba? Sa totoo lang, ngayon ko na-appreciate ang mga sinabi mong 'yon. You were concerned and I know, you probably rolled your eyes at me. I get it, you hate me.

     Well, si Mila at ang pamilya niya ang kumupkop sa akin nung mga panahong wala ako sa inyo. I thought I really was free from you all. I recently learned that lola had always been aware of me. Mila confessed and I was actually very happy. Masaya ako kasi may koneksyon pa rin pala tayong lahat. Blood will always be thicker than water.

     Recalling our childhood, never tayong naging magkasundo. You've always been the perfect one while I was the obese cousin of the beautiful Ayesa Buenviaje. I get it, we were in different crowds. You've always been an alpha female. You're beautiful, intelligent and outspoken, things that I never had.

     Bata pa lang tayo noon, pangarap kong mapunta sa katawan mo kahit one day lang. I wanted to know how it felt like to be admired and adored. I was a shallow child. Nung tumanda ako, I realized that you were having such a hard time.

I always knew that you're pressured by your mother and she made sure you eat less. She was consciously watching your weight kasi ayaw niyang naging katulad kita. Wala din ang dad mo at the same time kasi nada rehab siya. I get it, selfish kasi ako. Hindi ko nakita ang hirap na pinagdaanan mo, and yet I stole him away from you.

I heard from him that you're mot aware of his previous condition, when he had parasites crawling in his head. He was sick just like me at nada iisang facility kami. Our worlds revolved around each other, and yes, it was a young love. Our love was premature and rushed. It probably was experimental, right? Pero malalim ang pinagdaanan namin.

     We were both thin and bald. Imagine, para kaning aliens. The only thing that says I'm a girl was the pink crocheted bonnet he gave me, while he wears the black version.

     Then his operation took place. I was silentlh praying inside my room when the nurse told me that he died. Imagine the heartbreak I went through. It was devastating. He's the pillar of hope. Turned out his aunt lied to me and threatened the nurse. Well, parang telenovela talaga.

I know, iniisip mong nagpapaawa ako, pero hindi. Ayesa, I want you to understand me a little bit. I'm not asking for your forgiveness. You can hate me all you want. I won't hold you back. I just want you to know that that I'm sorry.

Love,
Katkat