Through the looking glass

CHAPTER 37 (The Beginning)

Hindi ko yata kayang matulog. These past few days, ayokong ipikit ang mga mata ko. Pakiramdam ko, magigising ako sa katotohanan.

Minsan nga, sinampal ko ang sarili ko. Para kasing panaginip. It was quite a slap since my right cheek turned beet red.

He would just kiss me, to remind me that this is as real as sun, the skies and earth.

I love him so much. Feeling ko hindi ako makahinga kapag wala siya. Masyado akong nangulila. This is our time; our moment. Marami mang nasasaktan sa nga ginawa namin, gusto ko pa din itong ituloy. Bakit? Love isn't always selfless. Sometimes, you have to exert a lot of effort to have it. Sometimes, you have to close your eyes and just do it.

I felt his breath against my skin. Ang sarap ng tulog ni Jake. He's peacefully sleeping beside me and it's one of the most rewarding things I get everyday. 'Yung simpleng paghikab niya o kaya 'yung paano siya ngumiti, naapektuhan agad ako. Para bang may enerhiyang gumigising sa akin.

Yes, I did a terrible mistake. Trying to take my own life will never be acceptable. It's something unforgivable. Also, I broke Ayesa's heart. Alam ko naman kung gaano niya kamahal si Jake pero inagaw ko pa rin siya. At the end of the day, my life isn't that sweet; there's always a hint of bitterness.

Pinaasa, nagpaasa at pinapaasa, ako yata lahat 'yan. Never naman akong magiging masaya.

Napabalikwas si Jake. Alas sais pa lang kasi ng umaga at hindi ko maintindihan kung bakit maaga ako nagising. Dahan-dahan akong tumayo at binuksan ang bintana. Kumuha ako ng upuan at tumingin sa ganda ng Barcelona.

Kitang-kita ko ang mga turista habang nagpi-picture sa mga sceneries. Maganda kasi ang napwestuhan naming kwarto kaya kita lahat. We decided na maglrent na lang ng room instead na mag-hotel. We want to experience how does it feel like to be free and unprivileged.

I took a quick shower and cooked a sinple breakfast. Tulog na tulog pa din siya. He's just so tired. Why? He searched for this restaurant na puntahin talaga ng mga tao pero hindi niya nahanap kasi madaming pasikot-sikot dito.

I was just laughing habang hinihingal siya. He's like a disappointed child.

He finally woke up. He smiled and tugged me in his chest.

"Why do you smell so good this early in the morning?"

"Kakaligo ko lang. Why don't you take a shower? Para naman makapag-ikot-ikot pa tayo." Sabi ko sa kanya. He let go of me and took his own plate of food.

"Syempre, pero hindi na tayo maglalakad. I'm gonna rent a car. Hindi ka pa fully healed. Mahina pa ang katawan mo."

I sat on his lap and frowned. "But it won't be authentic traveling."

"Katherine Lane, we have to make sure you're okay. Please? Ayoko lang naman na commute tayo all the time. Plus, pwede pa tayong mag-ikot sa ibang cities. Isn't that good? We can even go to that vineyard that's featured in the magazine you read at the airport."

"Okay, I surrender Dr. Fontanilla. Wala akong laban sayo. You're convincing powers are divine." He smiled and straightly went to shower.

I decided to wear a lemon yellow maxi skirt and white loose shirt with the word 'free' on it. I paired it with white slip ons as we roam around the city.

"Sabi nila maganda daw sa Sagrada Familia. It's a catholic church basically but it's architecture is breathtaking. Let's go Jake!" He just giggled and tugged me on his chest as we walk our way in the crowded city of Barcelona."

"Ang daming tao." Sabi ko pa sa kanya habang nakatingin kami sa mga taong may malalaking cameras. I am fascinated this place. I've been with the gang before in the US but Spain is definitely different. It's oozing with culture, heritage and tradition.

"Are you happy?" Tanong sa akin ni Jake habang umiinom ng Pepsi.

"Yes. So happy. I've never been this happy, Jake. Feeling ko ang gaan-gaan ko. Feeling ko wala akong problema." He smiled at me. Hindi ko ma-imagine kung paano nga ba kami umabot hanggang dito. Few weeks ago I was in a coma. Few weeks ago, I was broken, sad and wounded. Few weeks ago I was in a delusional state.

Few day ago, I was supposed to be dead and buried. I attempted suicide and that's not healthy. I still have to visit a psychologist kasi I have suicidal tendencies and I can't treat myself even if I'm a doctor myself. I still need to seek professional help.

The trauma I brought upon a lot of people is still fresh in my head. I made them guilty, sad and broken. Hindi ko alam kung paano ako hihingi ng tawad. How do I even start?

"So, Sagrada Familia? This is our first stop, right? Saan ang next natin? Mahaba-haba ang oras natin. Baka lang gusto mong may iba pang puntahan?" He asked me. Biglang nawala ang isip ko sa mga problema nang biglang magsalita so Jake.

"Museu Picasso. As in Museu with 'm'. It's a museum full of Pablo Picasso's paintings. Hindi naman talaga ako artistic pero I want to be immersed in his art. Ewan ko ba, kagabi nung nagre-research ako ng nga tourist spots, isa talaga siya sa mga gusto kong mapuntahan. There's this passion I saw in the photos."

"That's a good place. Talagang nag-research ka about Spain ah. What about outside Barcelona, Katherine Lane? Syempre madami pang pwedeng puntahan, right? Spain is huge! Come on, let's be in a that film parang kathniel lang. I know it sounds corny pero why don't we tour more? Minsan lang 'to."

"I know. I wanna make the most out of this trip. Why don't we go to Ibiza? I wanna wear a one-piece suit. Please?" Tawa ng tawa si Jake kaya siniko ko siya.

"May nakakatawa ba? Eh sa pangarap ko dun makapunta. Ibiza is like a popular destination for the rich and famous. Syempre nandito na rin lang tayo di ba?"

"Oo na, Katherine Lane. Basta hindi dapat bastos kasi di talaga ako papayag." I just smiled at him and my heart melted.

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Days passed by at para kaming mga batang nakawala sa higpit ng mga magulang. We were free, happy and alive. Hindi na naming alam kung paano ba maging malungkot.

Our days are filled with laughter, love, happiness and good food. Our photos in Polaroid are stacked in my purse. Ayokong hindi ma-capture ang moments naming dalawa. Gusto ko documented.

Gusto ko may proof. Ang hirap kasi mabuhay nang nag-iisa. Ayoko nang maiwanan. Ayoko nang mag-isa. Siguro naman alam ng lahat ng tao sa mundo na mahirap maging mag-isa. We all need that someone who fills the void. Jake fills that void.

I fill his void.

No one can just judge me, na kung bakit ko daw ba inagaw ang fiancee ng pinsan ko. Malandi daw ako at mang-aagaw. Wala daw karapatang mabuhay ang gaya ko, that I'm nothing compared to the beautiful Ayesa Buenviaje.

Ang hirap. Grabe na ang cyberbullying na natatanggap ko online kahit na hindi naman masyadong nakalantad ang identity ko kasi nga nagawan ng paraan ni lola.

It's as if isa akong kontrabida sa storya ng buhay ni Ayesa. Am I that spiteful? Am I that bad? Minsan hindi ko na din alam kung nasa tama pa ba ako. I'm scared to admit that I did wrong. I'm scared. Totally scared.

I felt Jake's hand on mine as we finally walk out of the airport. Yes, we finally decided to come back after three weeks.

Hindi naman kami tatakas. We just wanna be free for awhile. Hindi na namin gustong nakatali sa mga taong nasa paligid namin. I admit, selfish ako at walang puwang sa mundo ang selfish na kagaya ko. Pero tao lang ako and I loved him first.

I found him first.

We shared the same pain. No one can understand that part. Palibhasa hinusgahan na nila kami agad, na sinaktan daw namin ang isanv gaya ni Ayesa Buenviaje. Of course, sa paningin ng lahat eh kami ang masama. Kami naman kasi talaga ang masama, di ba?

"Babe, don't panic. Dr. Jung said it's okay to come back."

"Sinabi nga ni Alex 'yun pero hindi pa rin ako kampante. I'm scared. So scared. Feeling ko sinasakal ako."

"Come on, don't be this way. I love you."

"I love you too, Jake. So much." I told him as we walk our way to his car.