Through the looking glass

A letter to my dear grandmother

Dear Lola,

Siguro, ayaw mo na akong makita. Alam kong nasaktan kita kahit na ang ginawa mo lang naman eh ang mahalin alo nang sobra-sobra. Hindi ko kasi naintidihan kung paano mo ako minahal. I was so lost and I thought, you're trying to take advantage of my grief.

Back then, narinig ko ang plan mong ipakasal ako sa apo ng amiga mo. Nasaktan ako, kasi akala ko noon hahayaan mo akong hanapin si Prince Charming. You were so happy while reading me stories about happy endings and new beginnings. You were my pillar of hope. You made things happen for me.

Kahit wala na ang parents ko, you made me feel complete. Ngayon ko na-realize kung gaano ako kaswerte na ikaw ang lola ko. You showered me with everything a child could ask for. Hindi mo ako hinayaanh mabuhay nang malungkot.

Then cancer happened. Nawalan ako ng gana sa buhay. Tinanong ko ang Diyos kung bakit ako. Bakit ako? I lost my parents, I have no siblings and I felt like an outsider. Ako lang ang walang kapamilya sa atin. No one actually wanted me. My dad's parents are both dead and he's also an only child, kaya mas lalo akong nakaramdam ng kalungkutan.

I yearned for love. I yearned for it every second of my life. Pakiramdam ko, mamamatay ko everytime I try to live ny everyday.

Then I met him. I met a sickly boy just like me. We shared the same dreams, same sentiments and same love. I love him so much, lola. Hindi ako nakaramdam ng ganung klase ng pag-ibiv kahit kanino.

I'm sorry. I'm just this desperate. Kailangan eh. Kung hindi ko 'to gagawin, I will no longer have anything else to live for. Why? Kasi kailangan ko siya. I'm sorry if it seemed like that I love him more than you all. Hindi naman ganun.

Someday, you'll probably understand me.

Until then. I love you.

Your grandchild,
Katkat