Through the looking glass

CHAPTER 5 (The Mad hatter)

Few years ago...

"Katherine Lane, I'm so sorry for your loss. Be strong, baby girl. Brad and Tim will always be here with you. Stop... crying." Tita Cecile cried along with me while I stare at the marble cross with both of my parents' names. They just died that fast. Bakit naman pareho silang kinuha sa akin? Bakit dalawa pa sila? Bakit wala man lang tinira kahit isa? Bakit naiwanan pa akong buhay? Sana sinama na lang nila ako kung saan sila pumunta.

"Tita... I wanna die too. I wanna see dad and mom again. I want them laughing along with me. I need them right now. I need them to hug me and chase away the monsters in my head. I need my mom to help me with the paintings. I need dad to teach me new card tricks. Why? I have no parents." I hugged Tita Cecile.

Katherine Lane Buenviaje Ramirez is now an orphan. No one will love her unconditionally. No one will take good care of her. She will be lonely until she dies. She will be miserable and ugly. She will face many of all the misfortunes ahead of time. She will be dead, maybe not physically but emotionally and spiritually.

"We're here. We will never leave you. We will love you and take good care of you. Mahal na mahal ka nila tita at lola. Don't think of it this way. Your cousins love you so much so don't you ever think that no one loves you. We all love you." I looked at her with tears pooling in my eyes.

"Not like mom and dad. I am their first priority. Now, I will be everyone's last. I... will never receive the love I used to get. Hindi niyo ako maiintindihan. Wala akong kapatid at parehong magulang ko ang nawala. You have no idea... how I am dying inside." Tumakbo ako palabas ng mausoleum. Hindi ko kayang nakikita ang pangalan ng mga magulang ko doon. Hindi ko kaya.

Nung isang linggo lang kumakanta pa kami ng soundtrack ng Aladdin sa sala. Hindi totoong wala na sila. I will never accept this. I will never accept that they are gone. They can't leave me. Kung aalis sila, bakit hindi pa nila ako sinama. Sana sinama na lang nila ako. Hindi ko na kaya ang bigat na nararamdaman ko. Parang sasabog ang dibdib ko sa lungkot, sakit at pagkabigla. Hindi mo na naman talaga aasahan ang pagkamatay ng isang tao, pero you'll never know what to feel kung ikaw na ang nasa sitwasyon.

Sino na lang ako kung wala ang parents ko? Paano na lang ako? I can see graves everywhere and I suddenly realized na hindi ako ang unang nagluksa at namatayan. Many have experienced that way too.

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I opened my eyes. Panaginip na naman pala.

Nanatili akong nakatingin sa kisame ng kwarto tinulugan ko. Tatlong araw na lang eh babalik na ako sa totoong buhay ko. Siguro may pagbabago kasi nahanap na nila ako pero mas gusto kong bumalik sa buhay na nagpawala ng matinding lungkot sa akin noon. I could say that I was given another shot at life; no, it's actually my salvation. Kung hindi siguro ako umalis, baka lalo na akong nalunod sa kalungkutan at kabaliwan.

The moment I reached the receiving area eh naamoy ko na ang almusal na niluluto ng mga katulong. Alam kong masarap ang mga 'yon 'cause grandma never liked any second rate kind of breakfast. Ito raw kasi pinakamahalagang pagkain sa umaga kaya naman dapat lang daw na kumpleto at masarap. Masarap nga ba?

I can't take away from my mind what I saw last night. Pagkahatid sa akin ni Damien sa pintuan ng kwarto ko eh nakita kong dumiretso siya sa kwarto ni Ayesa. Nakita ko pang sinalubong siya ni Ayesa ng isang matagal na halik. She even jumped and locked his waist using her legs. It was indeed a passionate spectacle. Malamang dito rin siya natulog at halatang sanay na ang lahat ng tao sa kanilang dalawa.

Malay ko ba kung ilang milagro na pala ang ginawa nila sa loob ng kwartong iyon at teka nga, bakit ko ba iniisip? Ginulo-gulo ko ang buhok ko at napaupo sa sahig habang nakayuko. Grabe ako ang nahihiya sa sarili ko sa mga pinag-iiisip ko. This is such a huge embarrassment to my name. Patawarin nawa ako ng mga magulang ko.