Give Me Strength

9

I woke up in tears with sweat dripping down my forehead. I need to stop having these dreams. They are always about one thing, my father. Dad has never been a good role model. He constantly gets drunk and when he does he comes home and takes it out on me. The day he found out I was gay the beatings became worse and more regularly.

I heard my door swing open with a very worried looking Phil come racing in, "oh my god, are you OK Dan"

"Yeah, just a dream" it's only half the truth, it was a dream but he doesn't know who or what it was about.

After Phil walked out to get breakfast I was left alone with my thoughts. I don't deserve happiness, I don't deserve to live and I definitely don't deserve Phil.

My thoughts were broken by the sound of Phil calling me down for breakfast. You can't eat Dan, you need to be perfect for Phil.

I made my way to the kitchen.
"you've been up there a while, are you sure you're OK" his words filled with worry.
"I promise i'm fine, just leave it" I know he's only trying to help but I fear if I tell him then he will hate me

"Oh, um OK" I felt really bad now, why do I have to screw everything up.

I felt tears start to well up in my eyes, "i-im g-going t-to my room" before Phil even had to time to reply I had already run upstairs and locked myself in the bathroom, I fell to the ground.. Fuck, fuck, fuck ..I pulled out my razor.. It's all my fault, everything's my fault ..I held up the razor to my freshly healed skin on my arm making various cuts, not caring how deep I go anymore. The crimson liquid spilling out onto the Ivory tiles beneath causing puddles of red staining everything close by.

You worthless piece of crap, why do you always have to make everything worse. You're better off dead.

With every tear and every thought running through my head I made a fresh cut, I mean I deserve it. I'm a terrible person and a terrible boyfriend.

"Dan, are you in there" I start to panic, he can't find out about this.

"ah yeah, just about to have a shower" I quickly turn on the water hoping this will cover me.

"OK, I guess we'll talk later then" I heard his footsteps walking away and I new I was safe, for now at least.

I hopped in the shower to wash off all the blood.  The water hurt like hell on the newest additions to my body but I guess that's my fault and honestly it kinda feels nice after a while.

After my shower, I got dressed making sure to wear a long sleeve shirt and a jumper, just to make sure. I cleaned up the blood from the tiles then left the bathroom.

I felt awfully bad about how I handled everything with Phil so I decided to apologize. I walked up to his door and knocked softly.

"C-come in" I can tell he's been crying.

"Phil, i'm so sorry" I walk over and sit next to him on the bed wiping his tears away with my sleeve.
"I don't know what's going on with me lately, just these dreams I have been having feel so real and they scare me Phil." tears start to form in my eyes as I look at Phil. "Please forgive me"

"Of course I forgive you Dan, i'm not going to make you tell me what these dreams are about but I'll be here when your ready" then he does something very unexpected, he kisses me. It was like magic, it gets better ever time.

"I love you my little lion"

"I love you too bear"

Phil's POV

Oh my god I kissed him, I mean it was very salty from all the tears but Perfect nonetheless. "Dan" I said in a shy tone.
"Yeah Phil"
"I was just wondering, its okay if you don't since everything I did to you and the way I made you feel" I was talking very fast and stumbled a few times but was cut off by Dan. "Phil, it's okay, say it"
"Dan.. Do you wanna be my boyfriend" I got it out, thankfully.

"YES YES YES" Dan very excitedly half screamed.. Wow I have a boyfriend and I'm glad it's Dan.

"what do you wanna do now bear"

"I feel like going for a walk" his suggestion makes me happy.

"A walk sounds amazing"

I quickly got changed into warmer clothes and we were out the door.
We had been walking for 15 minutes in comfortable silence  before we came to a park.

Dan came to a halt.
"can we go on the swings Phil, can we, can we, can we" he was practically jumping up and down.

"Of course we can" Dan dragged me to the swings and hopped on, he started propelling himself high off the ground but needed a little help so I pushed him that extra bit, he was going high and laughing hysterically.

Suddenly he jumped off the swing with no warning, at a very fast pace mind you right on to me causing us both to fall on the ground in a fit of laughter.

"Thanks Dan, I needed that concussion" I say sarcastically

We just lay down on the slightly wet grass enjoying each others company, slowly the sun went down and the moon rose high and we knew it was time to go home.

We reached the house, dinner was set on the bench but once again Dan made up an excuse about how he wasn't hungry but I just ignored it and decided I would address the issue later.

As we reached Dan's room he was practically asleep, I took his jumper off and just as I was about to turn his light off and return to my room I noticed his sleeve had come up a bit revealing lots of little red lines. I was shocked...

Why was Dan cutting again, was it my fault or is there something else bothering him. And why doesn't he eat, is he starving himself or is he on some weird diet or something.

One way to find out, i'm just going to have to ask him tomorrow and hope he doesn't get to mad at me. I care about him a lot and all I want is for him to be safe.