Give Me Strength

22

Phil's POV

It's been a couple hours since it all happened and I haven't quite accepted it yet.

"Dan Howell's room please" a heard someone saying to the front desk lady.
"Right over there, just down the hall.

Mum. She ran up to me giving me a big hug but I didn't react I just sat there. "Phil, are you alright" I shook my head no. "aw my poor babies, when will we be allowed to see him" I shrugged my shoulders to indicate that I didn't know. "well then. I'll just have to find out."

She walked over to a nearby nurse to ask when we can see Dan. She returned shortly. "the nurse said we will be able to see him tomorrow morning. I gave mum a hug.

"It's all my fault" I whispered to myself but not quietly enough. "Don't you ever say that hun. This is not your fault because he loved you and he knew that you loved him." I nodded and gave her a half hearted smile.

"I don't want to leave mum, I want to stay here and wait for him." she agreed and told the doctors who set me up with a bed in the room down the hall. Mum went home and said that she would come back tomorrow morning. That night I cried myself to sleep for the first time since I was a lot younger. Please be ok, I don't know what I would do without you.

I woke up in the morning in a very unfamiliar room. When my eyes adjusted to the light. I saw that I was in a very sterile white room. All the memories of last night came flooding back to me. I quickly jumped out of bed and made my way back to where Dan's room was. I asked a passing nurse about Dan and she said he was in a stable condition but he's in a coma and they don't know when or if he will wake up. Oh my god my Bear might not wake up. My heart broke at the sound of him not waking up. Keep positive. There is still a chance he will wake up.

"Can I please go see him now" she nodded and I went back to where his room was. My hand was on the door handle. I took a deep breath and walked in. It made me so sad to see him like this. His body was lifeless, with tubes and cables connected to various machines. He had been stitched up on his arms and legs with bandages and he had his stomach pumped so the doctors could remove any pills that would damage him. I walked over to the bed and took seat on the chair next to it. Immediately taking his hand in mine, rubbing circles on the back just how I used to do whenever he was scared or panicky.

"Hey Dan, I know you probably can't hear but if you can then please wake up. I need you so much, you've become the most important person in my life and I don't what I would do without you. Please." I had a tsunami of tears run down my cheeks and onto Dan's bed and I put my head on his chest while holding his hand.

I get a two on the shoulder. It's mum. She says that I need rest and she's taking me home to sleep. But I'm not resting until I know that he's awake and fine. I want to stay here but mum wasn't having any of it and said I could return in the morning to check on him. I hesitantly agreed with mum and we walked toothed car so we could go home.

We arrived at home and mum sent my straight to bed for a "nap" even though I wasn't tired so I just sat in bed contemplating what might happen. He might not wake up. Good job Phil. This is all your fault.

My brain was against me. "IT'S NOT MY FAULT." I screamed at the top of my lungs causing mum to race to my room.
"Oh my god honey." she raced to my side and drapes her arms around me. "of course it isn't your fault and don't let anyone tell you it is."

I nod my head and I slowly drift off to sleep. Of course it's not my fault. I mean he told me it wasn't and I believe him. I love him and he loves me and just wish he wakes up soon, I cant go on without him much longer.

It's been a week since it happened and I have been to the hospital everyday and he is always the same as the day before.

Unfortunately today is the first day back at school and I'm not allowed to skip school to see him. I finish getting ready for school and I head out the door to make my way to school. I honestly couldn't care less about making it to school on time. It's very low on the list of things I care about, Dan of course being on the top of the list. The school bell rung 5 minutes ago and I've only just got to school. As I slowly make my way to class I contemplate skipping but remember the last time Dan and I skipped, it didn't end well.

I'm greeted by the teacher immediately. "and do you Mr Lester have a good reason why you are late" I just shrugged my shoulder and took my usual seat at the back of the classroom. I wasn't in the mood for school, all I want was to be at the hospital with Dan. I just put my hold up and put my head on the desk waiting for class to finish.

Most if my class were practically pain free. The hardest class being English seeing as that's the only class we share. I sat at our desk. I kept looking over at Dan's side of the desk every now and again.

I did what I usually do and put my head on the desk. I felt a tap on my shoulder  I turned around to see Chris. "What do you want" my words were cold.

"Where the Fuck is Howell. Has he killed himself yet." him and Pj lau ghed to themselves not knowing that's exactly wharves tried to do. I shot them a look of pure anger and I left the class without saying a single thing. "Get back here Lester." I didn't reply, instead I walked to the back of ten school and completely broke down in tears bringing my knees to my chest and crawling into a ball.

I just want my Dan back. The school bell rung signalling it was lunch. I was to worried, I haven't eaten properly since it happened. I was interrupted by Tweedle dumb and Tweedle dumber coming around the corner. They spotted me and came closer.

"Hey, you didn't fucking answer our question" i was enraged by this point and I hit breaking point. I stood up so that I was face to face with them.

"Do you know what, yes. Dan tried to kill himself a week ago and he's been in a coma since. And do you you know why, it is because of fucking idiots like you making fun of him and abusing him until he couldn't take it anymore and deciding that killing himself is much better than dealing with your fucking abusing. I love him with all my heart and if he dies. It's all your fault and you can be locked up for assisted suicide. So you better fucking change your attitude because I'm sick of it and so are so many others. Now fuck off before I put you fucking heads through this wall." they were shocked. I honestly don't think they knew I could burst like that. But I had enough and I wasn't going to take it anymore.

"Come on mate. Let's leave this loser alone" Pj spoke to Chris in a very nervous way and they left, leaving me alone. Thank god.

The rest of the school day went by fast until it was finally the last class. It was just like any class then suddenly some random chick I haven't seen before walks in.

"Sorry to interrupt, can I please take Phil Lester for a while."
"of course" I walk out of the room and to the far end of the school following the lady into a room with the words "School Counsellor" Fuck it.