To Whom My Heart Belongs To [original]

Sixth

To the one I loved,

It is close to the end of the first year I met you, and I had grown quite fond of your presence. While you would try to find ways to take your mind off of me a little later on, I was struggling to distract myself in that moment. It sounds a bit strange when the roles are reversed; even I couldn't believe there was one special girl on my mind.

Don't take this the wrong way. I knew that one day I might fall head over heels for someone special, but I didn't expect it to be so soon. And so fast.

However, I doubt you paid any attention to me during this time as you would say I was considered a nobody before a life-changing year for both of us. It was noticeable how you would stand off to the edge and listen to the group conversations rather than participate. Your silence made me curious. I didn't understand why you didn't talk, but from what I caught on, you were extremely shy.

So while you kept my attention for that year, I continued to move my mind to elsewhere. I needed more distractions; then the perfect one came along. It was the girl I liked from the previous year. She wasn't you, and I hadn't realized how much I cared you yet at this point.

She was the girl of my dreams, a goddess. You can laugh all you want, but she was the first person I threw my heart at. However, she threw it right back, not bruised, not battered, just the same. So I admired her more each day, and the feeling I thought was gone came back.

That feeling I pleaded to fade away was back for round two, and it fought hard to infiltrate my head and heart again. Eventually I fell under her charms again, the Goddess running through all of my thoughts. It's a shameful thing I regret; it's not something I would change though.

Part of me believes that chasing after the Goddess was just to bring me closer to you in the following year. Then the other part has its mind set on the Goddess really being "the one" or the one who I was meant to love forever. Even to this day, I'm not confident on which side was correct, but I slowly let go of the second idea as I got older and matured. It doesn't matter though; I released the idea of being with the Goddess a long time ago, and now I lost you, the one I could have been with.

If you could reply and speak to me again, I'm sure you would understand. Surely you had to find distractions to get me off your mind while I was still stuck in the phase where I was never the kindest person. Surely you ran after someone but got too far to turn back until you realized the path ahead was too dangerous to travel on. Surely you would have understood and taken me back, but I can never know because you are gone.

For some time, I forgot about you. You weren't important to me anymore, and I lost my interest in trying to solve your puzzle. Now I am missing you more than ever, and no thought of the Goddess would pull me away from that.

Forever and always,

The one who resisted your attraction with a distraction