To Whom My Heart Belongs To [original]

Fifth

To the one I loved,

This is the part in my story where I begin to lose sight of who I was, to hold in anything I wanted to say, to let my mind crumble under pressure. You could say I shoved my past self in a fragile glass bottle; that person was angry and wanted to do everything to come back.

I didn't want to revert back to who I used to be. There were elements from the year before as well as signs of hope for my future. I strived to keep them away from each other as you attempted to separate part of your life too. However, I soon realized the two pieces of my life were bound to meet; it was inevitable.

It took me a while to accept it, but before that, I was like the child at the pet store being told not to tap on the glass tanks. I was constantly poking at the tank, and the animal inside only grew angry. By trying to accomplish this mission impossible of not letting my past interfere with my present, I woke up the animal inside, and I may have accidentally caused actions to speed up.

Friends from the past were let back in, but they were friendships filled with poison. All I wanted was to cut myself from them; my mind didn't fight enough to keep them away. The more I fought to get away, the more their grasp around me tightened.

Believe me, I tried my best to escape, but somehow the past always caught up to me. I know I wasn't always the good guy even before we met. I know I haven't always been nice to everyone I've run in to. I know I made a handful of mistakes when it comes to starting a new relationship. Please believe me when I say I truly wanted to put the past behind me.

The best option I though I had was to push everything down with all my strength. Now I see that I could have confided to a friend, but at that time, expressing my thoughts and feeling didn't exactly help my image. And yes, I know that how people see me shouldn't be a concern, but I cared then. Now, not so much.

I never wanted to hurt anyone except those who brought that poison into my life. Even with my hatred for them, all I did was push back with minimal effort. In the end, I got run over by them.

I'm still on my path to redemption. Even to this day, I haven't cleared myself from this horrid mess. I wanted to become a different person, not entirely new, just someone better. It seemed easy at first, but now I understand how strong inner demons can be when you give them that power. So I will keep fighting back to change myself, to better my well being but also to bring you back to me.

Forever and always,

The one who wanted to change for the better