The Knock (Destiel)

Chapter thirty-two

32. Hate your love but love how you feel      

       When Castiel woke up, in contrary to earlier near death experiences, he remembered everything. He didn't really know how to feel; sad or happy. His arms didn't sting, which confused him. When he looked down at his hands, they were spotless. To study his healed arms more, he tried to pull them up, but only one lifted up effortlessly. His other arm was strapped down because of someone holding his hand. He followed the hand that was connected to an arm, which revealed a broad chest with a familiar face on top.

       Dean was sleeping, his head leaning forward awkwardly. Yet, the grip on his hand was strong. Castiel took his time to look at the hunter, and wondered what happened. He was both relieved and disappointed that he failed. The fact that Dean was holding his hand made him feel better, yet guilty. What if he had succeeded and left Dean?

       He let out a loud and deep sigh, apparently waking up the hunter. At first he let out a small groan, his eyes fluttering open. Then he looked in the eyes of the fallen angel, his eyes instantly getting glossy.

       "Cas?" he asked, his voice cracking. Castiel squeezed his hand tightly and nodded. Although Dean's eyes were clouded with tears, the anger, disappointment and fear was almost written in those amazing green orbs.

        "I'm sorry, Dean," he said quietly. Seeing Dean like that made him want to shoot himself. How could he have been so selfish? Feeling himself tear up too, he looked down. However, seconds later his head was lifted up by Dean's fingers. The hunter had tears streaming down his cheeks now, his face red.

       "God, Cas. Don't say sorry. It's my fault, not yours," he replied. His words were hard to hear through his sobs, but Castiel still heard them clear as day. He squeezed his hand tighter, trying to provide some comfort.

       "Why do you think it's your fault?" he asked.

       "Because I failed you. I warned you that I didn't want to fail you like every god forsaken thing that I care about, and still I did. Fuck," the man pulled his hand away, making Castiel instantly feel colder. He wiped his cheeks, yet the tears kept coming. This time, he didn't dare to look at the ex-angel.

       "Dean," Castiel started. Still, the man didn't look up. "Dean look at me." When his vision was still focused on the ground, Castiel sat up and tilted Dean's head, just like he had done only seconds earlier. The green orbs contrasted against the red, aggravated skin under his eyes. Castiel brought his hands up to Dean's cheeks, as he stared into his eyes.

       "You didn't fail me, Dean. You never will. On contrary, you saved me. You always wanted the best for me, even when it meant for you to suffer. Yes, I made decisions beyond stupid, and yes you made some mistakes, but that doesn't mean you failed me. It means we stuck together, no matter what. It means that our lives find their way towards each other every single time we are apart. If it wasn't for you, I'd be dead a long time now. I know you might not feel the same way, but I love you. I truly do. So, please don't say you failed me, Dean. Promise me you'll never think about that idiotic sentence."

       After Castiel's speech, all went quiet. There was no reply from Dean and there was no movement. Castiel's hands were still capturing Dean's cheeks, wiping away the tears that were still falling now and then. They were just staring at each other, personal space totally forgotten as their faces were inches away from each other. Then, agonisingly slowly, Dean leaned forwards, brushing their lips together. Castiel closed the minuscule space between them.

       The kiss was short and simple, and yet lingering. Castiel had his eyes closed desperately, loving the way Dean's lips felt on his. He had missed this. Dean, on the other hand, was shaking and absolutely freaking out. The moment they pulled away, Castiel felt the warmth of Dean's body leave and opened his eyes, only to see the hunter at the door.

      "Please don't leave," was all he said. He noticed Dean tense up, his hand slowly leaving the door handle and falling aside his body. Then he turned around and sat down on that same chair once again, awkwardly this time. Unintentionally, Castiel smiled. He didn't leave.

       Then he began to talk.

       "I think I know what the creature was," he started. This sparkled Dean's attention, as the man looked up. "It definitely wasn't a djinn alone, so that got me thinking, what if it wasn't working alone. What if it had company, demonic company?"

       "Crowley," Dean said, his eyes widening in realisation. Castiel nodded.

       "It's my closest guess. He has knowledge about witchcraft because of Rowena, and being the king of hell kind of helps. Besides, he despises me. After all I kinda betrayed him," Castiel explained. Dean nodded thoughtfully.

       "Makes sense," he mumbled. Although he had stopped crying, you could clearly see he had. Somehow, his tearstained face seemed to look even more beautiful. It expressed the emotions that he never showed and bottled up.

        "Can I ask you something?" Dean asked, feeling flustered under Castiel's intense stare. His head was tilted the way it always did when he was confused or intrigued, his eyes squinted shut slightly. The fallen angel only nodded. The hunter opened his mouth a few times, but with no success. Castiel was patient and waited until the words came out.

       "How can you love me?" For a while, Castiel didn't reply. His eyes were still fixed on Dean's, trying to read him.

       "You really want to know?" Dean nodded, sitting up straight.

       "When I rescued you from hell, I was introduced to the most beautiful soul I'd ever seen. Even though a big part of you was broken, you intrigued me like no soul had ever done. For years, I thought this was because you were righteous, important. When I was human, everything changed. Your beautiful green eyes made my stomach flip, the way you laughed made me want to do unholy things, and your concern made me feel protected, loved. I never knew that these symptoms meant that I had feelings for you. That dreamworld changed everything. I grew up as a human there, I knew feelings.

       "When you and Sam woke me up, it all made sense. I finally realised how I felt about you. My heart breaks because you hate yourself so much and think you don't deserve a thing, while you deserve the world. I like you for your body, but mostly for your personality. I adore how you want to save everybody and my heart swells seeing how much you care about Sam. I could go on for years, but this is just a glimpse of how I can love you."

       Finishing his second speech in five minutes, he realised that Dean was crying again. This time, Castiel left a lingering kiss on the man's forehead, smiling when he leaned into him. Much to his surprise, Dean hugged him. As his body shook in Castiel's arms and his shirt dampened by tears, he found himself craving the angel's touch.

       He could get used to this.