Vents : In A Book.

Entry forty three

{5•16•17 pm - 5•17•17 am}
Very messy. I'm sorry.

I can't sleep anymore. I'm completely reverting back to year-and-a-half-ago me. I've lost my appetite for everything. I no longer require food or entertainment, I can't sleep so I just lay away staring at the ceiling and most of the time cuddling my teddy.

I can't sleep anymore. I'll pass out from exhaustion around 10 and wake up 30 mins later. I have these horrible nightmares again that I thought were finally gone for good a few months ago. I was wrong. I see everyone die, I die, I ruin everything and I'm yelled at or yelling, I feel pain both emotional and physical which tends to wake me if I'm lucky. I feel so trapped in there and everything so dark. My dreams are mute and slow because they don't go as fast as my mind and heart are racing, they can't catch up, it's all lag.

I can't sleep. I wake up crying so hard or sweating like a ruptured faucet. I jump awake and sometimes out of bed to run out of the room. I'll jump, sit up, get up, walk to the door, and as my finger press against the cold door bob I was up mentally and stop. I wake up ready to run. I wake up gasping so loud and hard because I'm used to controlling the screams. I wake up to cold and alone and scared.

I can't sleep anymore. I lay here. In a dark empty room. Much like my entire days. I lay here reminiscing and going through every single memory I can gather to try and keep them. My most special ones have him, I mostly go into the sleep or loving categories of my memories of him when I do go to that filing cabinet in my mind. I think of how when he wakes he immediately searches and pulls me in for a while and doesn't let go but only grabs tighter. I think of how when he shakes from the nightmares how my touch somehow soothed him back to relax. I remember the warm arms and legs wrapped around me to keep warm and feeling safe and comfortable. And loved. I play over and over while I still can every hair stroke and every caress of my arm or face. Every peck on my face to my lip and down my neck in fun laughter or to relax me to sleep. I barely ever could but that helped and it was getting easier. I play those over and over and they help some nights unless it just adds more time to my clock but it also makes it go by slower.

I can't sleep anymore. It's too cold. The heat has left my body and left my bones cold and feeling brittle again. It's always cold. I had forgetting cold. The pink tiny in my cheeks is gone and my eyes are now light again with specks. I was presumed sick by my friends but I'm not, just going back in time. I'm getting thinner and paler which is good. I'm getting shit done quicker cause I have nothing better to do. I'm a robot once more and no seems to notice ad if they do they don't care to say anything which I actually enjoy. I don't want to talk much anymore.

I can't sleep anymore. I'm a machine. I wake and shower and put on clothes and maybe do my makeup and contacts which I have been lately along with my nice clothes. I use this as a disguise to hide it all. Ziplock it away. I "do" my hair which is the same everyday. I switch my bags and get my water bottle and then leave. I drive to the street before school and hop out to have him drive away. I walk to the school and go to the cafeteria and put in a smile and a few laughs to show I'm fine. I am. I'm fine. The bad or untruthful kind though. I go to my classes and do my work. I answer questions and leave. At lunch I repeat the morning cafeteria process and leave to classes again and repeat. After school I stop at the spot where all my friends meet for 10 mins and then I leave to walk home. Sometimes I'll have company so I repeat the cafeteria façade. I get home. Use the restroom and wash my hands. I sit for a few mins to recharge and after like 20-30 mins I get up and do chores. Once I've finished them I do my homework. If no one is home then while I do chores and homework I drink. It gets me no where but I do it anyways, truly hoping no one will notice the dent I've made in all the alcohol. Once I've finished everything that I can possibly work on then I remove my Ziplock mask and contacts and change into pjs (aka a hoodie and my already on underwear). I sit and either watch tv, listen to music and/or go on social media for a bit. I actually go on it periodically after school but for moment intervals. Once there's nothing left there I undo my bed and hop in and watch Netflix till a reasonable time to excuse my complete mental shit down and I set all my affairs in order and make sure everything is clear. I lay there and get comfortable either with my teddy or in my blanket or just staring at the door or the ceiling or my mirror as it reflects the light coming through the window from the street lights. And I think as I've said here before. I sleep awake and think and sleep awake and think and sleep awake and think and so forth. I lay blank minded, mind-racing at a million miles, or just listening and thinking on one topic at a time slowly. I often lose my train of thought. I forget everything. I'm forgetting even my friends faces I see everyday. I'm forgetting all the scents in my life that I use as a recognition device. I'm forgetting all sounds and all feeling. I don't feel the need for anything but oxygen and water.

There's much more but I have forgotten aside from the last note:
I can't sleep anymore. I am dull as I always have been and I am now on a daily schedule. I am stuck on repeat due to all the scratches left everywhere emotionally, mentally, and physically. I'm still clean if you don't count drinking which I wouldn't cause it's not an outlet for it does nothing and is only a recent thing. I'm back to old me I think. People like this me more. I can tell. I speak less and just listen. I comply and get out of the way as much as possible. I do as told and get my work done the best I can. I stay quiet and locked away as I should yet idk why I've had outings with my friends or had them come over. I guess it's more distraction. No one sees all these changes and it's good. No one would care any ways because they've dealt with this me before. I'm fine. I am. I'm fine. I must repeat. Dictate. I am fine I am fine I am fine. They have more problems to deal with. More pressing and worse than me. Help them instead. Stop being so selfish. Fix them. Help them. Make them happy not mad or sad or annoyed or full of anger or hate. Fix it all. It truly is less. Less to worry about and less to try on. But there's so much more. So much in my mind and I don't remember it all and have to start over my thoughts from the beginning of the seed for the stem has been cut off. Goodbye memories, ideas, and thoughts.

Is this wrong? A problem? Too dark? Or maybe just common? Is this truly the same as before?
I can't remember. Does it matter? No. Stop being selfish.

I can't sleep anymore. Less for me to put effort in now that I won't bother trying to anymore. No more hassle. Just more time to put affairs in order. There's no need for me to push so hard for happiness or whatever cause there's no point. I'll just be me and roll with the flow and go through life like an abiding citizen. School, college, job, taxes, bankruptcy, 401k, homelessness, and then death. And I'll be just as fine as ever.
No more worries.
No more work.
No more wonders or mysteries.
No. More.
Sleep.