Vents : In A Book.

Entry eighty two

I'm so sorry... I know I disappointed you so much and so many times... eight times specifically so far.... I've been a little over a year clean, my last time was May 4th 2016.... I'm so sorry^^^
{12:36 pm • 6/22/17}
I went to but clothes today for camp
I need clothes that fits me well and comfortable and good for mobility
I mainly needed pants
Many many pants
In the end I was only able to get two pairs of short
1. because nearly all the election of everything was all very short shorts and with my big thighs I can't do that cause I'll get all pink and red in between my legs
2. Because my size was practically all gone
3. And because a lot didn't fit me correctly. I'm very curvy especially in that area so yeahhhhhh most pants are made for flat and/or skinny people and it's very hard to find me clothes honestly I wish I could just forever be in my underwear. If I don't need pants don't expect me to have them on. Knock on my door? I might forget I don't have pants and answer in only my undies but maybe that's cause I'm so used to being with no pants since I'm a swimmer and my ass is usually half out. God you should see my tan lines everywhere ..... wait no you shouldn't.
Anyways I was changing into the billions of pants I had chosen to try on (I went to two different stores btw so I did all this twice in one day) and only on for me well and comfortable and was easy to move it. I find that I can only wear jeans because they're the only thing that Fit to me. Pants made of clothes don't work it's either my ass fits well and my legs are suffocating or my I have a cameltoe and my but looks saggy but my legs look great it's just very difficult.
Nothing ever really fits me well
I kept changing
And changing
And changing
Again and again
Nothing ever fit
It was never right
I looked in the mirror and I hated everything
All my stretch marks and my cut marks and my tans and just everything
I felt so dirty and ugly and disgusting
I felt like an old wash cloth
Used and unwanted and very very dirty
And not in the good way
I felt so filthy
Like I needed to soak in bleach or something
I felt so bad
And I was even wearing my pretty underwear and helped with nothing
Hell I wasn't even wearing a bra and I hated my self so much
I've never been like that in public
I just feel so unclean
Unwanted and unloved and just so eww
I just want to rip myself apart to badly
I want to scratch and tear my skin and cut into myself to cut away ugly and horrible pieces of myself
I hate everything on myself and I just want to rip everything off
I want to be skinny and id rather have no body than be like this
All this extra shit
I'd rather be like a tooth pick so that any clothes I pick from I rack will fit me and I don't need to try it on
And worse case scenario that things are big on me
I hate everything I want tear out my crazy wild hair
I want flat shorter hair that doesn't give me problems and stress
Not long and big and messy curls
Not hair that I NEED to be long because I need the weight to somewhat add to holding down the curls and waves and barely do anything for me.
I hate everything just everything
I hate my basic ugly big brown eyes and my not super long and full lashes
I hate my not perfect and eyebrows
I hate my apparently big forehead and my big ugly nose and my ugly mouth with big lips
I hate my ears that aren't round enough or have enough room for more piercings and I hate that everyone talks about them
I hate my teeth that are slightly jagged at the end like a fucking saw and not flat like in the commercials
I hate my neck that isn't thin and my collarbones that aren't prominent
I hate my wide shoulders and my crazy tan lines
I hate that my boobs aren't perfect and big enough and symmetrical
I hate all my "beauty" marks and my birth marks
I hate the scar that was left from a hickey on the top of my left breast
I hate my fat stomach and the rolls
I hate all the hair I have on every inch on my body
I hate my belly button and I hate my butt that it's big enough or prominent enough or just enough
I hate my front for not being normal and flat like everyone else's
I hate that some parts of me are too big or too small or nonexistent or very very hard to find
I hate my thighs that are huge and bruise so easily at any touch
I hate that rub against each other instead of having a gap like all the perfect girls have
I hate that I can't wear shorter shorts and I have to sweat so much unlike all the other girls
I hate that a lot of my muscle is only in my legs and my butt
I hate my shins for having such weird muscle lines and I hate that I have no upper body strength but that I could be a football player cause that's what everyone says that I play tough with
I hate my ankles for looking so weird and having so many marks
I hate my feet for being so wide
And having no curve. They're so flat and bring so much pain to my back and neck.
I hate my toe that are short and apparently look like sausages
I hate my nails on my hand and feet for growing fast and thick and strong and hard to cut
I hate the balls of my feet
I hate that all my skin is soft and that's the only compliment I've ever gotten
There's so much more I'd rather not say but I hate it all and I just want to cut it all off
I hate everything just
All of it in it's entirety