Vents : In A Book.

Entry seventy nine

{4:50 am • 6/22/17}
I hate right now
How we are
I hate how we are right now
I hate it so
I hate it so much
You'd never know
You'd never notice me because you never call
You claim it's because I never do but, I do.
Why do I always have to take the first step
It's always me having to figure out an approach
It's always my sending the first message
And it's always a five minute conversation and then you're busy and leave to go talk to her
It's because I was never enough right? Did I not give you everything you asked for?
Cute little bean? I was. Obedient? Yup. Would cry and beg for you on my hands and knees, hell even face on the ground just laying down completely? Fuck yeah. I'd cry and bang on the door for hours after you leave and pull my hair and beg for you not go.
But,
You leave anyways.
You found all that amusing.
"Oh no, that's normal."
"Aw how cute. Bye."
Well thankyou asshole
Every time you left you broke more and more of the only little pieces I have and and I gave them all to you but no.
Nevermind
Fuck you
Forget me too and I'll do same
You never fucking care until you HAVE to show up but that's never
Hell im fucking surprised you even remembered I had a birthday this year
But you didn't call me
I had to call YOU
why did I have to call YOU
Explain how that makes sense to anyone in their right mind at all
Fuck you
Just
Fuck!
Fuck everything
Fuck it all
Just
Have a happy fucking life with her even though she's everything you said you didn't want because apparently I was enough and you promised
Hell you fucking pinky promised me
And you're enough of a piece of shit to remember that's what'll hurt most that you break.
I hate you
So much that the thought of you makes so mad that I sweat
And I heat up and look so fucking red
And then I cry
For hours and hours and hours
And all I think about are those phone calls I'd have with you where'd I'd talk to your for hours and hours and hours and that I'd cry and beg you to fix the ducking problems you had and to just be there for me when I need you! You're never there! I don't remember any fucking shit with you! And now I'm sweating and really fucking hot and I'm about to cry but I won't let myself
Not for you
I'm done with you
You tell her EVERYTHING
When all that shit was meant for ME AND YOU
You let her listen and sit in on our fucking conversations you worthless bastard
And I'll never forgive that
I bet you don't even care if I live anymore honestly
Ik just a nuisance to you now
You probably don't even care or remember that I was in a car accident
You never said or did anything
Not that you would now even if you did remember you don't care about anything but yourself and that bitchy whore you like to sleep with
While my back is killing me and brings me to tears cause I have no one to help soothe me anymore now that my free stays at the doctor ran out and no one will give me a massage anymore
I can't do anything myself
Of course he's gone so I can't count on his hands for shit anymore not that I ever could really
And I can't tell my mom cause she'll just yell at me and say I'm dramatic and that I'm fine compared to her and just ughhhhh
Fucking kill me I don't wanna be here anymore
Just leave me to die please
Oh wait you already did