Sweetest Whatever

Chapter 21: Revamping

Chapter 21:

Matt Hendricks

Matt,

                I have no freaking idea why I decided to write you a letter. But here it goes. I love you. I told you that a thousand times, I guess. We’re never really official but I still loved you with all my heart—even I have this fucking cardiomyopathy. You brought out the best in me. I was happy with you—every day of my life. You took my sadness away and replaced it with happiness—temporarily. I thought you were the one. Sad to say, guess you weren’t. I still remember last night; I told you that I’ll still love you. That you really don’t stop loving a person. That love doesn’t just fade away. Yeah, time heals but the love will always come back. I remember my words. I remember everything we’ve been through. I’m hurt. You lied to me when you said you wouldn’t. I loved you when I know I shouldn’t. You told me to trust you when I couldn’t—maybe that’s why we fell to that freaking cliff I am afraid to go back to. I thought you’d always be there by my side. I’d catch a bullet for you—that’s how I fucking love you, you idiot. But what can I do? The one I wanted to catch a bullet for is the one who’s holding the trigger. How can you even hate and love a person the same freaking time? Feelings. They’re always the one who destroys everything. Well, Matt. I just want to say that I thank you for the memories—fake or not. You are the cliff. I fell for you. And I will most likely never to go back there. I don’t want to go back to you anymore. Please don’t find me or whatnot. I don’t wanna be found. I just want to be with myself—gotta go and find myself again. I’ll return when it’s time and I’ve moved on. But remember this, I’ll always love the Paul Matthew Hendricks I know—and loved. I’m saying goodbye to you all. I hope I never see you pathetic face again. I will still beat the crap out of you. I’ll see you again… soon. Just one last time… I love you, you idiot.

Meg.

                My eyes are stinging from the tears I have cried—until now. I don’t know what to feel anymore. Will I be happy because the chain’s already broken or will I be angry at her for leaving me? I don’t know. Ethan gave me this letter this morning—Monday. Just when I recovered from last Friday’s incident. He also asked us if by chance, we saw Megan. She was not home. Their mother was so distant to Ethan. And Meg’s closet was half empty.

                Where did she go? I want to find her. I want to hold her in my arms again. I want to kiss those lips again. I want to say sorry for all I’ve done. I’m all alone in our seat, wishing Meg was still beside me, giving those nasty remarks to me. She isn’t and most likely will never come back.

                As Mrs. Siegel discusses the new lesson I’m not interested about, my eyes go over to the letter again.

                I’d catch a bullet for you you—that’s how I fucking love you, you idiot.

                I smile. I can’t forget her smile but then again, I can’t forget her eyes last Friday—they were full of hatred.

                “Mr. Hendricks?” Mrs. Siegel interrupts my nostalgic time

                “Yes, miss?”

                “We’re going to have a quiz, aren’t you going to get your notebook?”

                “Oh sorry miss, I’m just… not in the right mood.” I tell her honestly. She smiles at me. “Mr. Hendricks, if you’re really upset because she’s gone, divert you attention. There’s always a second chance in everything. Like in Chemistry, there’s the first trial and the second trial. Well, I hope I’ve put some sense in that brain of yours. Now come on and answer. Ms. Dalton’s not here to help you now.”