Sweetest Whatever

Chapter 34: Understanding

Chapter 34: Understanding

 

Megan Dalton

                “I can’t.” I finally said and I hear Val’s breathing hitch. I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry. Every inch of me screams sorry and I’m doing nothing but hurting him over and over again.

                “Why not?” He whispered with tears flooding his eyes. Those will fall off any minute now. I can’t answer him but… he needs an answer. I need to substantiate my side—which is the only side which needs supporting.

                “It’s him, Val. I can’t leave him, not like this. Not again. I can’t leave him hanging like the last time. I’m so sorry.” I don’t understand why I have to go through this bullshit. I didn’t do anything. I feel like shit right now. I managed to break his heart. I’ve broken the other one’s heart too. I’ve broken two hearts already—all because one certain guy broke mine.

                I changed because of him. I turned down a lot of opportunities that came my way because I thought I was incapable and I hate it. If it weren’t for serendipity, I would not have met Val Conner. But things do really have to fall apart to fix something that’s broken.

                Val was crying in my arms. I’m paranoid. I don’t know what to do. I want to save him. But shit, sometimes you need to be your own hero because everybody seems busy trying to save somebody. If I had known things would turn out this way, I would never have left him. I would have stayed up a little bit later, talked a little longer, and hugged him a little tighter. How foolish was I, thinking all of these would last. Now, all I have are these regrets pooling in my mind.

                “It hurts so much, Meg. It hurts so badly,” he hiccupped. I rubbed his back, “Shh, love. It’ll be alright. It will be alright, lo—”

                “Alright? Don’t tell me that bullshit! Can’t you see, Asher? Everything’s messed up! Sometimes, you really can’t fix something.” I see the pain in his eyes and I feel like crawling back to California. I hurt him. I didn’t mean to. Shit, shit!

                “It’s my fault, it’s my fault! Okay? It’s not you who’s wrong,” I said and I noticed he looked at me but before he could contradict me, I immediately supported myself, “Goddammit, why won’t you listen to me? It’ll be alright! Just… Just trust me okay? It’ll be alright, love.”

                He didn’t answer me.

                “You’re still my Augustus Waters, Val. Right?” I held his hand.

                “I don’t know,” he said, “You gave up on being my Hazel Grace.” Another sniff, another tear shed, how can a heart break? I’m crying too. “At least be my Isaac, V.” He gave me a smile.

                “I do, Monica. I do.”