a second chance - Hotchniss

Are you sure? [Alaska]

"So, you're really gonna sign those?", I asked my father and pointed at the divorcing documents on the kitchen table.

I had gone over to his flat after school had finished and we had lunch together. Well, he had lunch and I had only sat at the table. Even though I was already in recovery from my eating disorder, it was still hard for me to eat regularly sometimes and he knew that. He gave me the time I needed.

"It's the best for all of us", he sighed and looked down. He hated to talk about the divorce, as well as my mother.

It had been quite some time since all this trouble started. At first small arguments between them had turned into deep fights, until they had not talked to each other for days. That was when my father decided to move out. I understood him. I understood both of them. They needed time. But I also knew that deep inside of them, they still did love each other. They were both just too stubborn to admit it. So my mother and I lived on our own since then. It's been about a month now and it was okay. She worked more than she used to, but I guess she just wanted to distract herself from what was about to come, even though work was still connected to Dad, since he was her boss. I knew that she did her best and tried to be there for me as well, even when I told her that I could get along on my own. She needed time to sort out everything on her own now, and everyone apart from her knew that.

"So how is school?", Dad asked in order to change the topic.

"Okay", I answered shortly, still looking at the divorcing papers.

"How is Jonas?", he then asked, referring to my boyfriend.

"Fine", I sighed, annoyed by the fact that he really thought that I was this easy to distract. "You don't have to ask me all this stuff."

"What do you mean?"

"You know what I mean."

He raised his head and looked at me. "Why do you keep trying to talk about your mother and me?"

"Oh, let me think about this for a second - oh, yea right! You are my parents, or did I get this wrong?", I asked sarcastically. "Both of you have gotten these papers some time ago and neither one of you have signed them yet. I am your daughter and I have the right to know whether there is still hope for you two or not."

He did not reply and I gave him some time to think of an answer.

"Your mother and I have been married for a long time. We've spent so many happy years together, but everything comes to an end one day. I guess ours has arrived now and we both have to deal with it, even though it's hard. We tried to make this work, especially for you, but it did not work out. There is no hope for us anymore. I'm sorry."

I didn't say anything. I hated the way he said 'especially for you'. It made me angry and I didn't even know why. Did they really tried to make it work for me or just for my disorder?

We stayed silent until he had finished lunch and had cleaned the kitchen. "Do you want me to drop you off at the BAU so you can drive home with your mother?", he then asked.

"I can walk", I answered.

"You know you should not.", he said concerned.

"Dad, I am not walking to burn calories anymore, I am walking because I want to!", I snapped.

I've always asked myself where we would be now, if I hadn't got diagnosed with anorexia nervosa. Maybe we would still live together in the same house, without any fights or divorcing documents. Maybe it was all my fault. I could not stop thinking about this question, even though both, my mum and my dad, had told that it was not my fault for like 1000 times. But they had no idea how I felt since I hated to talk about my feelings in general, especially when it came to my eating disorder. The only people I had ever really opened up to were my best friend and Jonas.

I got up and grabbed my bag. "See you tomorrow!", I yelled before leaving his flat, without waiting for him to reply. I loved my Dad more than anything, but when this topic came up I always felt like I had to get away from him, just like now.

-

Fresh air filled my lungs as I walked down the streets. It took me twenty minutes to get to the BAU and even though I would have never admitted it openly, I was exhausted and felt more than weak.

"Hey, Alaska!", I heard JJ as soon as I entered their floor.

"Hey", I smiled and raised my left hand.

I liked JJ. She was my mother's best friend and helped her a lot at the moment, and she was still good friends with my father as well. We used to talk a lot before I spent three months at the clinic. Ever since I feared talking to people like her, because I knew she cared a lot about her friends and I was scared that she would talk to me about what happened to me. So many people asked me why, but the truth was that I was not able to explain it to anyone.

"Emily is in a meeting, but I guess she'll be back in some minutes", she said. I just nodded before she continued to talk: "So how are you?"

"I'm good", I replied.

"Has he signed yet?", she then whispered. I bet my Mum asked her to find out, so she would not have to ask me on her own. That would only proof even more that she was unsure about the divorce as well.

I just shook my head and she sighed in relief. Before this conversation could get any deeper, my mother entered the floor. "I'll be right there", she announced before heading straight to her office to get her bag.

She looked awful. Dark circles bordered around her eyes, even though she had already tried to cover them up with tons of concealer. She couldn't hide her sleepless nights. She was exhausted but she tried to keep going all the time because she did not want anyone to see her being weak.

"You look tired, are you okay?", was the first thing she had asked me after she had left her office.

"Sure, what about you?", I asked while walking towards the elevator.

"I'm good", she answered.

"You're a bad liar", I said without looking at her.

"I know", she sighed. "I know."

We stayed silent until we sat in the car on our way home. "So how's Dad?", she mumbled, like she was not even sure if she could ask me something like this.

"He's okay", I stated. "He told me to say 'hi' to you." I knew that this had been a lie, but I knew it would cheer her up and I knew that it had worked when suddenly a little smile showed up on her face.
"Really? Say him 'hi' as well", she stated and I grinned since my plan had worked out.