a second chance - Hotchniss

Relapse [Emily]

I opened the door to our house and Alaska dropped her bag on the floor. Usually I would have told her to pick it up and bring it to her room, but I did not want us to have any problems at the moment. It was a hard time for her, and even though she did not show it, maybe did not even know it herself, but the combination of anorexia and the divorce of her own parents were too much for her. I wanted to help her, to be a good mother. But I was not able to make things easier for her since I was one of the reasons why times were so hard currently.

She directly went up to her room, on her phone, I guess she was texting Jonas. I decided to give her some space and headed to the kitchen. A part of me was still waiting for Aaron to walk around the corner and to kiss me, but as usual, I was surrounded by silence.

Suddenly, my phone beeped and I pulled it out of my pocket. It was a message from JJ: 'He has not signed yet, according to Alaska.'

I sighed and went over to the coffee machine. I repeated her words in my head while the machine was working. Even though I would never admit it, I was glad that he hadn't signed our divorce papers yet. I did not want this divorce, but I've never had the guts to tell him. Maybe he was right and it was the best solution.

I sat down at the kitchen table and pulled the documents out of my bag, re-reading them carefully. At the half, I had to stop because tears had formed in my eyes. God, I missed him so much. Where did the time go? When did everything get so complicated?

After some time I was able to continue and read them until the end. By then I felt like I knew all these pages by heart because I've read them this often. I did not even know why I've read them so many times. I guess it was just my way to keep me from signing them.

"Oh, you too?", I jumped as I heard Alaska's voice behind me.

"What?", I asked.

"You also hesitate when it comes to signing this shit, just like Dad", she mumbled and walked over to the fridge to get something to drink.

"I am not hesitating. But a divorce is not something you just sign by the way, honey.", I sighed.

She sat down in front of me with a glass of water in her hand. "Do you really want this, mum?"

"What?"

"The divorce."

'No!', a voice inside of me yelled but I kept it shut. "It's the best for all of us.", I said casually.

"Did you learn this sentence by heart? Dad said the exact same thing!", she rolled her eyes.

Did he?

"Alaska, I'm sorry about all this. I know it's a very hard time for you and I promise that things will get better as soon as we're done with all this.", I raised my head and looked at her. She just raised her eyebrows and I knew that she recognized that I did not answer her question properly, but she did not say anything. She just shrugged and took a sip of water.

"Have you eaten at Dad's?", I asked her and she nodded. I was just hoping that she was telling the truth. I should have asked her again, but I knew that she would get really mad then because she had always felt like we would not trust her enough.

"I'm going over to Jonas, okay?", she then asked.

"Sure, but be home by eleven!", I said and she just rolled her eyes, but nodded.

After she had left the house I went to my office and worked a bit from home. It was just paperwork but at least I would not have to do it tomorrow anymore. Suddenly, my phone rang. My heart skipped a beat as I read Aaron's name.

"Hello?", I asked.

"Hey Emily, it's me...", he said and I felt like coming home when I heard his voice.

"Hey, what's up?", I asked him because he hadn't called me a lot since he had moved out.

"We need to talk... about Alaska", he answered and I could practically feel the pain in his voice. I immediately panicked. "Do you have time?"

"She is not home at the moment, do you want to come over?", I offered.

"I'll be there in 10", he said before hanging up.

I breathed heavily. Was Alaska having a relapse without me noticing it? If so, I would never be able to forgive myself for not recognizing it.

-

"I hope I am wrong", Aaron sighed as soon as he entered our house.

Old feelings came up inside of me as I was him standing in our living room. How badly I wished him to come back..

"What makes you think that she is relapsing?", I asked nervously.

"What did she eat in front of your eyes today?", he asked back.

"Um - she had an apple for breakfast, I guess. I don't know if she ate it completely, I just saw her taking one bite and then leaving the house with it - I should have checked-", my voice cracked and I realized that she had not eaten anything else in front of my eyes in the past days. "Oh my god."

"She did not want to eat anything at my place today as well", Aaron said sadly.

"Wait, she didn't?! She told me she did!", I blurred out shocked.

"See, she starts to lie again. Jonas called me just before I called you, telling me that she had not eaten for two days now when she was with him. He felt like betraying her by calling me, but I'm glad he did.", he looked at me, his eyes filled with fear.

"It's all my fault", I whispered and sobbed.

"No, it's not", he directly said. "It's nobody's fault."

We remained silent for some minutes until he asked me: "Do you think we should check her room?"

"She'll kill us if she finds out, but... maybe we should", I sighed.

We made our way up the stairs on the first floor. "I don't think that she is that lightheaded to hide the food she doesn't eat in here, but maybe we should look for the book?", I suggested.

The book. She had always kept this one book hidden in her room where she wrote down all the calories she had eaten in one day. Her old book, which was collected at the clinic, had been hidden under her bed, but I guess she had chosen a new place to hide if she had started to write things down again.

A part of me was hoping that we would not find anything. But I was wrong. After some time I had decided to check her bed again and found a little notebook hidden in one of her pillowcases.

"No, no, no", I stammered as I carefully read through the entries. All the panic shooting trough my body brought me to my knees and I just knelt there, crying.

Suddenly I felt Aaron's strong arms wrapping around me, holding me. "Shh.. We can fix this.", he tried to calm me down but his voice was shaky as well.

We both had fought many criminals in our life, but we both knew that we weren't able to win the fight against anorexia again.