a second chance - Hotchniss

Signing it [Emily]

The car ride was filled with silence, nobody could say word. Alaska was still mad at us for not believing her, Aaron and I were just desperate. I myself had to idea what else I could do now, I was sure that she had tricked the test, but if even the clinic said that she was fine, who else could help us?

At home, we made her eat dinner with us, but who could assure me that she would not throw everything up during the long shower she took afterwards? The pouring water would hide every sound.

I still sat in the kitchen, going through this day over and over again in my head. As I looked up, Aaron entered the kitchen. He had been going up and down the floor, thinking as well.

"What are we supposed to do now?", I asked him.

He sat down next to me and said: "Maybe we should visit another clinic, there are many more around here."

"For what? So she could fool the doctors again?", I whispered.

"He weighed her in front of our eyes. Her weight was 'okay', just as he said. Do you think she is able to trick the scale?", he asked me. "She always has to empty her pockets before stepping on the scale."

"I don't know", I admitted. "I know nothing anymore. What if she's actually fine and we've just been overreacting? Or what if she actually is heavily relapsing and nobody will ever find out until she collapses one day?" Tears ran down my cheeks.

I winced as I felt his hand on my back, rubbing it supportingly.

"Aaron-", I whispered nervously.

"Relax, I'm just stroking your back", he said calmly. "Nothing is going to happen."

God, I hated this tension between us.

"Sorry", I sobbed as I realized how weird I was behaving.

"You do not have to be sorry for anything", he answered. "This situation is not easy for both of us."

"I know, and as if this is not already hard enough for you, you also have to take care of your labile wife.", I mumbled. Should I have said ex-wife? I was not sure what we were at the moment. We weren't together, but we also weren't completely apart. Still, there were these documents to sign.

"I'm going over to Jonas", Alaska shouted through our house and the door opened and closed before we could even answer.

Aaron and I just sat there, silently. We let her go, neither of us knowing whether spending time with Jonas was good for her or not. I guess it was, since she really liked him. Maybe even loved. But what is the definition of love?

After some time, Aaron took a deep breath before saying: "There is something else I wanted to talk about."

I knew what it was. And I wanted to talk about it as well, even though it would hurt both of us.

"The divorce.", he whispered, like he was scared of saying it out loud, and I nodded, without saying a word.

"Have you already signed yet?", he asked.

I got up and went to my office, taking the documents from my desk before I returned to the kitchen. The line where I had to sign on was still empty.

"Me neither", he whispered as he saw the blank space and pulled out his documents of his bag.

"Do you still want this?", I asked him.

"I don't know.", he sighed, reading through the papers again. As if he had not done this before; I had done it so often, I could say them out loud by heart, every single line.

"Me neither", I mumbled. "But maybe the divorce wasn't such a bad idea after all."

He looked at me in surprise: "What?"

"We have to be honest with ourselves", I whispered. "Our arguments and fights have grown heavier and heavier the last months, there was barely anything we could talk about with ending up arguing about it. It affected us, our family life with Alaska, the work... and look how things have gotten better in the past weeks. We did not fight anymore, we could slowly interact with each other again, we could be there for Alaska, even though she did not want us to. We were finally behaving like adults again. And if that's what being separated brings us, then it's good, isn't it?"

What was wrong with me?

He did not know what to say. Whatever he had expected, this had not been on his mind. Then he snapped out of his thoughts and nodded. "Sure. You're right.", he said. "Do you have a pen?" I nodded as I got up and handed him one.

And suddenly, the moment was there. The moment I had feared for months, and now I was responsible for it to actually happen. We sat in front of each other, looking into each other's eyes. "On the count of three?", I whispered and he nodded.

One. Two. Three.

He didn't move. Neither did I. We remained silent and just kept staring at each other. Nobody moved the pen in their hand, nobody signed the blank space on the last paper.

"I need some fresh air", I whispered and got up, leaving the documents and him behind. I opened the door to our garden and stepped outside. The cold air filled my lungs and I felt way better as I sat down on the bank at the outside of our house. I started to shiver since it became pretty cold, but I didn't mind. I just needed air. My eyes started to fill with tears. Why was everything so messed up? I just had to decide; should I sign the divorce or not? There were only two options. But what would happen, if we would not sign it? Would we be together again? Pretending that this never happened, up to the point where we would end up at the exact same position where we stood some months ago, when the fights and arguments get too much? Or would we finally get our deserved peace by signing it? Or would we regret it as soon as we sent them in?

Suddenly, I heard the door open and looked up. Aaron was walking towards me, his jacket in his hand. "Here", he said and handed it to me. "You're getting cold out here." He was right, I was shivering like crazy.

"Thanks", I whispered and pulled it over my shoulders, not able to look him into the eyes.

And sometimes, you have to meet decisions in your life, where every option will cause you pain. No matter what you are going to choose, you are going to suffer. But pain is only temporary, no matter how long it lasts. And one day, all this pain will make sense to you.