a second chance - Hotchniss

Trust [Alaska]

"Go away", I said as Jonas stood in front of our door.

After our fight this morning I had skipped school and had headed home. I did not want to see him or my friends this day, I felt like I couldn't trust anyone of them.

"Please, hear me out", he begged and I stopped myself from closing the door. "Thanks", he whispered as I let him in.

"I'm so sorry", he said. "I should have talked to you before and I do regret that I didn't, but I was just so worried about you. When you lay in my arms at night you are cold as ice, when I hug you I am able to count every single bone, Alaska! You have always been very skinny, but you have lost even more weight the past few weeks, you stopped eating again even though you did so well after you had left the clinic. I did not know what to do. I just wanted to make sure that you get the help you needed."

Tears formed in my eyes. If my mother or my father would have said something like this, I would have freaked out, but Jonas was different. I knew that he meant it. I knew that he was honest.

"I never meant to hurt you", he whispered again and the tears finally dropped down my face.

"I am so sorry", I sobbed and fell into his arms. He hugged me so carefully but I still felt protected.

"It's not your fault", he said while stroking my back. I cried into his chest while he hold me and we just stood there, I don't know for how long.

"Everything is my fault", I sighed as I let go of him.

We went upstairs to my room and sat on my bed. I explained him how I felt about my parents' divorce. How I acted like I was totally fine with the situation but was internally begging for them to get back together again. How I made myself responsible for my father being so overprotective. He had starting getting extremely overprotective after I had come back home from the clinic after three months. I knew that he just wanted to protect me, but he wanted to protect my mother the same way and she was not okay with it. I told him that I forgot to eat one day, some weeks ago, since this divorce was everything I thought about and that I had lied that evening when my mother had asked me if I had eaten something during the day.

"I don't know", I sobbed. "I guess I then realized again how easy it is. It is so easy to say 'I have eaten something before', way easier than struggling with myself everyday when I ate something. I felt like regaining control again. Eating is something I do not need. I cannot eat without feeling the urge to throw up afterwards and it's so hard to keep myself from actually doing it." My voice cracked and I started to cry heavily.

"Shh", Jonas said as he took my hands. "It's okay. You know you can tell me everything. I am here, I will listen."

"I tried some days, to see if I was able to fool my parents, to make them believe that I would eat regularly. I took advantage of their divorce, since both of them are more than overextended with their current situation. It was easy. It felt so good to go back to old patterns, to write down everything I ate, and then the days came where I did not have to write down anything because I hadn't eaten anything. I think I've never been this happy before...", I paused.

"Alaska, I am so sorry", he whispered and pulled me into a hug as he placed a kiss on my head. "I should have noticed earlier.."

"Stop saying stuff like this", I hissed since I did not want him to make himself responsible for anything.

"And now?", he then asked.

"What now?", I looked up to him, confused.

"You need help, so how are we going to do it?", he looked at me in a serious way.

I immediately pulled out of his arms: "I don't need help!"

"Did you even hear yourself?!", his eyes widened in disbelief.

"Yes, and already the fact that I told all this shows that I see my weakness and that I am already working on it, no need for help. This time, I can do it on my own. Please, trust me!", I begged.

He sighed, not convinced at all. "But if you loose only a bit more weight, I will personally call the clinic, okay?", he said.

"Okay, but trust me, you don't have to", I whispered and smiled, as I kissed him. "I'm fine."

And that was by far the biggest lie I had told today.

-

As my mother came home that evening, she entered our house with a concerned look.

"Alaska?", she shouted.

"Yea?", I answered and left the kitchen.

"Your teacher called me and said you were not at school, are you okay?"

"Oh, sorry Mum. I just had a huge headache, I should have called you.. but I'm better by now, so I will go to tomorrow, I promise!", I looked at her with excusing look.

"Fine", she sighed and looked into the kitchen. "Did you prepare dinner?!", she asked surprised as she recognized the food on the table.

"Yes, Jonas and I already ate", I pointed at the used plates on the table. "I hope that's okay. You can ask him, if you want to. I know that he called Dad, by the way. Don't worry about me."

She did not answer and just sat down at the table, quietly. I knew that she would no call Jonas, because I had offered it to her. Of course he and I had not eaten together and I had just prepared the plates to look like they had been used, but I had never done this before and it seemed like my mother bought it.

"Are you home tonight?", she asked and I nodded. "Do you want to watch a movie?"

"Finding Nemo?", I grinned and she grinned as well, nodding.

'Finding Nemo' had been my favorite movie when I was younger and we had watched it at least 100 times, especially after Dad had moved out. I guess it was just some kind of remembering the old times when we had sit on the couch, all three cuddled up, watching this movie.

I did not ask about the divorce documents, since I had not seen them today, but they were not on the kitchen table anymore. I kinda panicked at the thought that she maybe had signed them by now. No, she would not do that, wouldn't she? I suddenly felt uncomfortable and got up to get something to drink. As I got up I immediately started to feel dizzy and had to brace myself on the back of my chair.

"Are you okay?", my mother directly asked, her voice sounding really worried.

"Yes", I answered weakly. "I just got up too quick." And with these words I grabbed the water bottle out of the fridge before returning to the table, asking myself if I had already weighed myself today.