a second chance - Hotchniss

Italy [Emily]

"Hey honey", I whispered as I entered Alaska's room.

She was crying, which I had already expected. The fact that she had broken up with Jonas some minutes ago made me even more worried. Jonas had always been a huge support for her and now, she just pushed him away. It was getting worse.

Alaska didn't reply, she just looked down. I sat down at the side of her bed, wrapping my arms around her carefully. I was way too scared that I would hug her too tight, so I just pulled her slightly into my arms. At first, she resisted and tried to stay strong, but after a few seconds she broke and collapsed against my chest.

"Shh", I whispered. "Everything's going to be okay."

It was hard to say these words out loud when I myself wasn't even sure if they were true. But Aaron was right, we had to be strong for her. We had decided that he would go talk to Jonas, whereas I would go and talk to our daughter.

"I keep messing up", she sobbed. "It's always me."

"No", I replied. "Everyone messes up sometimes. It's a human thing."

"You don't understand", she cried. "I keep hurting people. I hurt you, Dad, Jonas and I bet even more. Everyone is better off without me."

"Nobody is better off without you, Alaska. Your Dad's life and mine would be over, and I bet that Jonas wouldn't survive for a long time.", I said in a serious tone.

"You should have seen his eyes", she whispered, leaning against me, but I barely noticed since she weighed barely anything. "He was in such pain."

"But it's not you who is responsible for this", I replied. "It's your disorder."

All of the sudden, she pulled away from me, the machines and hoses shaking dangerously. Her eyes widened and she looked at me in disbelief. "I don't have a disorder!", she hissed.

"Alaska-"

"No, stop it! I am fine! Just because I fainted and may ate a little less the previous days does not mean that I have an eating disorder!", she yelled. She was breathing heavily, so I figured that only yelling was exhausting for her.

"You do", I whispered softly. "You don't have to lie to us or yourself anymore. I also know that you are writing down your calories again. For quite some time already."

"I - wait, you looked through my stuff?!"

I didn't say anything, I just kept staring at her. Her disorder was so strong, maybe even stronger than her. She clearly believed in the fact that she was doing fine and I knew that if we were going to make her realize the truth, she would have a mental breakdown.

"I'm not going to argue with my daughter, who is currently in hospital", I then sighed. "That is not fair."

"For whom?"

"For both of us", I whispered.

There were some minutes of silence, until she asked: "Did he say anything?"

"He just walked out of your room, looking like shit and telling us that you broke up. Your Dad is with him right now. He'll be okay.", I answered.

"I just don't want him to get hurt", she looked down at her hands. "He doesn't deserve to get hurt."

"Nobody does", I said. "But everyone has to. That is life. It's never the way we expect or want it, nothing goes as planned. And looking back one day, we will realize that all this pain has made us who we are then."

"Did you get hurt?", she asked.

I took a deep breath, not sure what to answer. She knew that I had been a rebellious teenager, but she had never asked why and I had never told her. Aaron and I had decided to not tell her that much since I did not want to, but now?

"When I was a teenager, my parents and I would move around a lot since my mother was ambassadress.", I started.

"I know", she said. "Garcia and I stalked you a bit."

I just nodded, I knew that Garcia knew basically everything about me but would never let Alaska dig too deep.

"It was hard for me to fit in. All I wanted was to be accepted, but nobody wanted to hang around with a spoiled ambassadresses' daughter who was not going to stay for long anyways. It was the worst. When I was 15, my family moved to Rome. I finally found a friend, Matthew.", I continued and tears formed in my eyes at the thought of him. "He was always there for me, you know. But I still tried to do anything just to fit in. I got pregnant. And there was no one else there who I could talk to apart from Matthew. He was not the father, yet he did everything he could to help me. I wasn't able to tell my mother, so Matthew suggested that we should talk to a priest, but he just told us that we wouldn't be welcome in his church anymore if I got an abortion. But I couldn't keep it. I just couldn't. So Matthew found a doctor and I got an abortion. He even encouraged me to go back to church afterwards."

"Where is he now?", my daughter whispered, still shocked from what I had just told her.

"He was murdered", I said and my voice cracked. "And I had to find his killer. Matthew didn't deserve this. He was a good guy." And then, the tears finally ran down my cheeks.

"I'm so sorry, Mum", she whispered, placing one of her cold hands on mine. "I'm so sorry."

"It's okay", I whispered. "I learned to live with it. I know that Matthew would not want me to make myself responsible for all that had happened, including his death, but I did it anyways. Until I was taught that it wasn't the right thing to do."

"Who taught you?"

"Your Dad", I managed to smile a bit. "Your Dad was the one who got me all through this, even though I never realized it back then. One always needs someone at one's side, who is more than family or just a friend. You need Jonas, Alaska. You do."