a second chance - Hotchniss

Anniversary [Emily]

I woke up on the couch, alone. I did not know what time it was, so I looked around the room to find my mobile phone. As I got up, I directly wished I hadn't gotten up. I still felt like a piece of trash, but I figured that my temperature had gone down a bit.

My mobile phone told me that it was around 3 am, but I couldn't sleep anymore since I had slept the entire day. Where was Aaron? Just as this question shot through my head, he entered the living room.

"What happened?!", I directly asked as I saw this concerned look on his face.

"Alaska had a nightmare, I heard her screaming and went upstairs, staying there until she fell asleep.", he sighed. "I didn't to leave you alone, I'm sorry."

"You're not my babysitter", I chuckled but then went serious again. "Did she tell you what she dreamed about?"

He shook his head 'no' but said: "But I guess I know. She kept screaming 'Go away' and 'Get out of my head'. I guess she fights against her own relapse."

I didn't know what to say. None of us could imagine what Alaska had gone through and is still going through now. All I wanted was to help her, but I didn't know how. It was not fair, how could life put so much on a young girl? I would take all the burdens from her shoulders if I only had the chance to.

"I know what you're thinking", Aaron whispered. "but you cannot take everyone's pain, Emily. Alaska needs time, maybe she has to go back to the clinic if it gets worse again, but at the moment she is still fighting against it, she has not given in yet. And that's good."

I nodded. Maybe he was right.

Suddenly the memories from earlier flashed through my mind. He had kissed me and I had let him. And after that we had just cuddled up with each other and fallen asleep. I once again looked at my mobile phone in order to figure how long it had been ago. Then I recognized the date on my lock screen.

"Oh my god", I whispered.

"I know", he said.

Today was our 13th wedding anniversary.

"13 years", I said to myself. "Wow."

"Not bad, huh?", he smiled.

"Well apart from the past few months, no, not at all.", I smiled as well. I couldn't believe that I was actually standing in our living room at 3 o'clock in the morning, with my kinda-husband on our 13th wedding anniversary.

"I would take you out today, but I don't think that this is a good idea since you're still sick", he shyly said.

"True", I sighed. "But it's only 3 am, so we still have a lot of time. And who knows, maybe staying in is cool as well?"

He chuckled: "Best wedding anniversary ever."

I joined his laughter and stepped closer to him. "Are you tired?"

"Not at all", he grinned and I headed to the kitchen in order to make us some coffee.

Some minutes later we found ourselves on our bed, watching random TV-shows, the coffee mugs on the bedside table. We just sat there next to each other, leaned against the wall behind the bed. My legs were interlacing with his, he just wore a jogging trouser and a casual shirt and I did the same. We kept giggling and fooling around like teenagers, reminding me of how it was when our relationship had just started a long time ago. I didn't even pay attention to the TV, I just could not take my eyes off him. I loved his smile and his laughter so much, and I wished he would never take away his hand resting on my thigh.

At some point I just leaned over and kissed him. It was the first time I was actually kissing him since he had always done the first step. He reacted surprised but kissed me back immediately. And there we were, sick, making out on our bed on our wedding anniversary.

We only pulled apart as we both ran out of air.

"What was that for?", he grinned.

I just shrugged: "It's our wedding anniversary, so why not?"

He leaned in to kiss me again and I let him, but before the kiss could get any more passionate, he pulled back.

"Listen", he said and took my hand, lacing his fingers with mine. "We do love each other, right? We are perfect together, we need each other. So... why don't we get together again? I mean, officially, like - for real?"

I looked down on our hands. I really wished I could have just nodded and kissed him again, but that wouldn't be my honest opinion. He was without doubt the one I loved and all I wanted was us to work out again, but I just wasn't ready.

"Aaron", I sighed. "I really wish I could say yes. I love you, more than anything and you are all I ever wanted, but too much has happened. I still need time and at the moment, this loose thing between us feels really good, doesn't it?"

He didn't reply, so I continued: "We will get back together. But please, give me some more time. I know this is hard and annoying. I am annoying. One day, I promise. One day, we will make it."

"What if I cannot wait for so long?", he whispered, not looking at me.

I didn't know what to say. I did not know the answer.

"I don't know", I whispered.

"I would always wait for you, you know that.", he said. "I would wait until the end of our lives, if you would want that. I just don't know if I can continue this 'loose thing' because overtime we kiss or touch, I ask myself why we're still stuck in this situation."

Tears started to form in my eyes. "Okay", I whispered. "I'm sorry."

"You don't have to be sorry.", he answered. "I should be the one to be sorry."

"No. You know that this is not true. If I would be ready, we wouldn't even have to be in this situation.", I sighed.

Then, we both remained silent.

"So that's it?", I asked quietly.

"I think so", he whispered.

I watched him let go of my hand, getting out of bad and taking all his stuff under one arm. "I'll see you at work if you're fit again, I guess?", he asked, feeling obviously uncomfortable.

I just nodded, not even able to say a word as he left.

And that was our 13th wedding anniversary. It was around 5 am in the morning and I had already ruined it. Tears flooded my face and couldn't move at all. Why was I this stubborn? Why did I have to be like this?

I wasn't able to do anything right. I always had to mess up.