a second chance - Hotchniss

Jonas [Alaska]

After I had told my parents how Jonas and I had met, the room filled with silence. Both of them didn't know what to say and I was too busy with holding back my tears to say anything.

"Do you want us to call him?", Dad then asked.

"He wouldn't want to see me", I whispered. He hated me, I knew that. After all this time, after all what he had done for me, I had just pushed him away. Once again, so much anger shot through my body, hating my disorder for having done this, hating myself.

"Trust me, he would be here in two minutes", my mother smiled.

I didn't reply, I just looked out of the window. After some time, I slightly nodded, so my Mum got up and left the room to call him.

"Even if he comes back", I said, looking at my father. "How can I guarantee him that I won't hurt him again?"

"You cannot guarantee anything when it comes to love, Alaska", he said. "That's what makes love so dangerous, it can get you so high and lucky, but it can also break you."

"I don't want to break him again. He deserves better", I whispered.

"I bet Jonas himself knows all the risks of being in love", he smiled slightly. "And he decided to love you. He decided to take the risk. And so should you. You love him, too. Together, the two of you are stronger."

Thinking about his words, I let out a sigh.

"I really miss him, Dad", I mumbled, not looking at him.

"I know", he said. "And he'll be here soon, trust me."

Only some minutes later, my Mum opened the door. "Aaron", she hissed. "Come on!"

"What?", he asked in confusion.

Rolling her eyes, she said: "I think we should give them some space!"

"Oh!", my father exclaimed and quickly walked out of the door. A little smile formed on my lips due to his confusion. Suddenly, I saw how Jonas walked pass my parents and closed the door behind him. I froze.

Slowly, he made his way to my bed, obviously feeling uncomfortable. He looked awful. Dark circles surrounded his eyes and his hair was a mess. I bet he hadn't had any sleep for a long time.

"Hey...", he quietly said.

I wanted to say something, but I wasn't able to open my mouth. I was nearly blinded by all the tears in my eyes until I finally broke and let them ran down my cheeks. "I'm so sorry", I whispered. "I am the worst person on this planet, who doesn't even deserve you. I know I hurt you and I am more than sorry. I could totally understand if you don't want to see me or ever hear from me again. Really. I just wanted to tell you that I'm-"

I couldn't continue because he had walked to the side of my bed and pulled me into a tight hug. I wrapped my arms around him, never wanting to let him go again. Only then I realized how much I had really missed him and his unique scent.

"You don't have to be sorry", he said as he let go of me. "Nothing you would ever do could scare me away. You're not the worst, you are the best person on this planet and I love you more than anything. And I will always be right at your side, no matter what. You're not getting rid of me this easily."

At first, I smiled, but then I turned serious again: "Aren't you afraid of me hurting you again? Pushing you away?"

"Trust me, you're not gonna hurt me again. I believe in that", he smiled and took my cold hands. His hands had always been so warm and a comfortable feeling shot through my body.

"Why are you so perfect? How can you forgive me that easily?", I sighed.

"It's easy to forgive if there is nothing to forgive you for", he whispered and pulled me into a soft kiss. I wrapped my hands around his neck, pulling him closer. I just wished that this moment would never end.

"Thank you", I sobbed.

"For what?", he smiled.

"For being you", I answered and kissed him again.

He sat down on the side of my bed, holding my hands. "So, how are you?"

I shrugged: "I don't know. They all say I am doing great, but there are days where I just want to throw all this food they give me into their faces, telling them to eat it themselves. But thanks to Dr. Adams I now know that Ana is not my friend. She had never been my friend. Yet, I sometimes cannot find a difference between me and her. Dr. Adams said that she is a demon inside of my brain, but I feel like she is a part of my brain. Like she is me."

It felt so good to finally talk about how I felt. I loved my parents, but sometimes, I wasn't able to tell them about my inner thoughts and feelings. They just wouldn't understand.

"She is not you", he said, calmly. "She is an illness, an disorder which only very strong people can beat. You are Alaska Elizabeth Hotchner, you're a beautiful 16-years-old girl with raven hair and brown eyes, who happens to be my girlfriend."

"Smooth", I chuckled. For the very first time since I had gotten here, I felt alive, I felt better. Jonas was one of the only persons I trusted unconditionally. I believed him and he made my doubts decreasing heavily. They were still there, but he gave me so much more strength.

"There is something else that I have asked myself ever since you got here", he then said, turning serious again.

I looked into his eyes, waiting for him to continue.

"Dr. Adams said that in most cases, Anorexia Nervosa is triggered by something. It could be any tiny event, incident, whatever. I have always been asking myself what your trigger had been..."

Tears shot into my eyes again.

"What was your trigger, Alaska?"

I tightened the grip around his hands. I never wanted to tell anyone, I had never thought of doing it. I was way too embarrassed about it. But this was Jonas. If I could ever tell anyone, then it would be him. I knew I could trust him, he wouldn't judge.

"Okay...", I whispered as I began to tell him about my trigger.

"They say we're too young to love, but maybe they're just too old to remember." - Wiz Khalifa