a second chance - Hotchniss

Goodbye [Alaska]

Struggling with an eating disorder doesn't mean that you are fighting against an illness. It doesn't mean that you are fighting against something like a common temperature, no. It means that you are in a constant battle with yourself. 'Ana' is not someone else. 'Ana' is you, your thoughts and your body. You keep fighting against yourself, even though you don't want to. You keep fighting against the daily reminder of how ugly and worthless you are. And at some point, you just give in. You give up the fight against yourself and accept that you are worthless. You accept that you are 'fat', you accept that there is only one way to escape this status. You do it because you think that it's the right thing for yourself. You want to help yourself, you want to get better this way. And it feels so good, you get so high feeling like you finally get better. It is like a drug, you want more. You become addicted, not even knowing what is happening. You will forget of how weak you are, how much everything hurts and you will ignore the fact that you are going to die if you are going to continue to starve yourself.

But it feels way too good to stop. And it feels impossible to get out of this circle. You cannot escape from yourself or your own thoughts. A person having an eating disorder doesn't need someone to tell her to eat. An anorexic person needs someone who tells her how much worth she is. How loved she is and that she should stop to blame herself for everything.

"Anorexia nervosa, often referred to simply as anorexia, is an eating disorder characterized by low weight, fear of gaining weight, and a strong desire to be thin, resulting in food restriction. Many people with anorexia see themselves as overweight even though they are in fact underweight. If asked they usually deny they have a problem with low weight. Often they weigh themselves frequently, eat only small amounts, and only eat certain foods. Some will exercise excessively, force themselves to vomit, or use laxatives to produce weight loss. Complications may include osteoporosis, infertility and heart damage, among others. The cause is not known."  - from Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

When my eyes opened that one day, two familiar faces stared right into mine. Where was I? Looking around, I recognized all the machines surrounding me, but this was not the clinic. This was a hospital.

"Alaska", my mother whispered, tears running down her cheeks and my dad cried as well.

"Why am I here?", I coughed.

"You passed out", my dad explained, his voice was shaky. "Alaska, you are sick."

I wasn't able to remember anything apart from the moment that I had walked down the stairs to the living room of our house.

"I am not sick", I hissed, trying to sit up, but my body was too weak. I looked down on myself in disbelief. Only then I recognized the horrible pain in my left leg. What was this? "How often do I have to prove you that I am fine?"

"Alaska", my mother said. "You were passed out for more than a week!"

My eyes widened. No. That couldn't be true. They were lying. I stared into their eyes, and that was the moment I realized with how much pain they were filled. This was my fault, all of this. 'Now look what you have done.' How? How was I able to mess up? I was in control of nothing, nothing apart from my own body. I was, wasn't I?

"I'm sorry", I then whispered, trying to hold back my tears. I wasn't worth enough to cry. I was the one to blame, I had no right to cry. "I never wanted to hurt you."

"You don't hurt us, honey", my father replied but I knew that he was lying. He had always been a bad liar.

'I am.'

"We were so worried about you", my mother cried. "I thought I had lost you. I wasn't there for you, and I should be the one to apologize. I was so focused on the relationship between your father and me that I didn't focus on you enough. I am so sorry, Alaska."

Now she was blaming herself. 'Well done. You really keep messing everything up.' I looked at my parents again. They were standing so close, and if I got that right, my Dad's hand was resting on her back. I never had the chance to ask them about their vacation. Did it change something?

Before I could ask them, the door swung open and Jonas ran in. He was crying as well, wrapping his arms around me. "You're back", he sobbed. "I've got you back." As he let go of me, he looked into my eyes. His eyes were even more filled with pain, he looked like he didn't have any sleep for ages and like he had not eaten anything currently. And whose fault was this? 'Mine.'  This was the boy I loved, but all I gave him was pain. It was me who was not good for him, I only realized this then.

"Could you leave us alone for a minute?", I whispered and looked at my parents. Silently, they left.

"Alaska", Jonas said. "You are not alone at this. I am here with you, your parents are, everyone is. And I know that you are strong enough to fight against it. You can do this."

'Fight against what?'

"Jonas", I started but my voice cracked. "I think we should break up."

All of the sudden, his face turned as pale as the wall behind him. "What?"

Tears formed in my eyes as I replied: "I keep hurting you. Look at yourself. Look what happened to you because of me. You don't deserve this. You deserve someone who treats you the way you should be treated, someone who is there for you. You could get any girl out there, and one of them will love you, much more than I was ever able to."

"But I love you, only you! And there's no one who is better for me than you. We deserve each other, remember?", he whispered, trying to touch me hand but I pulled away.

"Yes", I sobbed. "But that was a long time ago. You have to move on now. You should go, find some other girl who is not going to hurt you. Forget about me. Please."

"Alaska, I-"

"Go.", I whispered. "Just go."

He didn't move at all. His eyes stared into mine, he couldn't believe that this was happening.

"Go!", I yelled and tears flooded my face as he had finally left my room.