a second chance - Hotchniss

Thoughts [Aaron]

I heavily opened my eyes the next morning. The sun was already lightening up the room, even though the thin curtains were actually covering the windows.

I found Emily laying half on top of me, her left arm hanging loosely on my right side, her right arm wrapped around my neck, while one of her legs was straddled with mine and her head rested on my chest. My arms were holding her as well. I smiled to myself as I watched her sleeping peacefully. Getting up was impossible right now without waking her up and that was the last thing I wanted to do, so I just closed my eyes again.

Waking up with her was one of the things I missed the most. Seeing her already in the morning brightened up every day for me, like this one. Dozing off, I got lost in memories again. My mind flashed through different memories with Emily, stopping at the moment we got together.

We had known each other for quiet some time back then. Even though I had not liked her the first time we met, I was always kinda attracted to her. The team went out on a drink that one night, after we had successfully closed a case. Emily and I had been the last ones, both already a bit drunk, and had decided to share a cab. One thing led to another, so I woke up in her bed the next morning. I did not remember much of our night back then, I just remembered that I had confessed my love for her in the cab. Like I already said, I had been drunk. Totally drunk, I guess.

My eyes fluttered open and the first thing I recognized was that I was not at home. Looking down, I recognized Emily Prentiss sleeping in my arms. 'Oh no', I thought.

Even though waking up in the same bed as Emily Prentiss did had always been my wish, I knew that this would lead to problems. I closed my eyes again and tried to remember some details of the previous night, but the only thing that was left on my mind were the kisses in the back of the cab and that one moment when I had whispered "I love you, I do". I did not remember her answer, no matter how much I tried to. And even if, what would have changed that? Maybe this was just an 'accident' for her?

I opened my eyes again as I felt her moving in my arms. Her eyes opened and we looked at each other, both in shock.

"Oh my god", she whispered and sat up, covering her torso with the blanket. "Did this really happen?!"

"I think so", I replied.

"Fuck", she cursed. "Please don't hate me now. You're my boss, and I totally do not want to lose my job, I love my job, but I-" She stopped and looked at me. "What do you remember from last night?"

"The question is, what do you remember?", I asked back.

"That means you remember as well", she sighed.

"I only remember what I have said, I don't remember your answer, to be honest.", I whispered.

"Well, I guess you can figure out the answer", she smiled weakly, pointing at both of us in bed.

"Oh.", was all I could say.

"So it was true?", she quietly asked. "Did you mean it?"

There was a small pause before I said: "I meant every single word of it."

A shy smile formed on her lips. "That's good."

"Is it?", I asked.

"Yea", she nodded before she leaned in to kiss me. And as our lips met I knew that it was the right thing. I knew that we were perfect for each other, no matter what the rules at work said.

"So, Emily Prentiss", I said, totally old-fashioned. "Would you be my girlfriend?"

"Seriously? How old are you, 12?", she grinned.

"That did not answer my question", I grinned as well.

"Well then", she chuckled. "Yes, Aaron Hotchner, I'd love to be your girlfriend."

I flashed back to reality as I felt that Emily had raised her head from my chest.

"Sorry", she sleepily mumbled and climbed off me.

"No problem", I smiled and watched her reaching out for her phone on the bedside table.

"It's already 10:30!", she exclaimed and sat up.

"We're on vacation", I sighed. "We can relax."

"No, I'm hungry", she stated and got up. I chuckled and watched her leaving the room before getting up as well.

Both of us preparing breakfast in pajamas brought old memories back and I guess that she thought the same since she remained silent the whole time. I would be lying if I said that it did not hurt to think about the past. I wished that I could turn back time at least five times a day.

"Coffee?", she asked.

"Yes, please", I said and we both sat down as she handed me a cup.

"Are you okay?", I asked her.

"Yea", she sighed.

"Are you sure?"

"Yea, like I already said", she snapped and I shut up before I would make her angrier.

As we cleaned up the kitchen again, she said: "Sorry for being so bitchy earlier."

"It's okay, really.", I nodded.

"No, it's not", she sighed. "I just did not sleep well. Too many thoughts shot through my head and when I would fall asleep, they would even appear in my dreams, waking me up again."

I guessed that this was the reason why she had laid half on me this morning. When she was sleeping uneasily, she kept moving in her sleep. I had discovered this when she had been pregnant.

"Wanna talk about it?", I asked while putting the plates into the dishwasher.

"I don't know if you wanna hear it", she replied while closing the fridge.

"Sure, I'm always here for you", I directly said.

Emily smiled weakly before saying: "It was about us. What's gonna happen in the future. I asked myself how it would be if we actually get back together again. Would we remain happy? Or would it take us some months before ending in the same position we had been some months ago, thinking of a divorce again? Then I asked myself how it would be if you and I go separate ways. Would we even stay in touch, apart from work and Alaska? Would we both met new persons that we could be with? Would we be happy?"

"Nobody in this world would make me happier than you do", I said.

"But let's be honest, Aaron. We keep running in circles. Every time I think I could actually open up myself to you again, there's something that holds me back. I'm just so scared of getting hurt again, much more than I already am.", she whispered. "And I am scared of hurting you."

"You could never hurt me", I answered. "We can make this work again, Em. We were perfect for the last 13 years and I know that we still are perfect. We may have a hard time at the moment, but this cannot be the end of us. I do not believe that. Do you remember what I told you when Alaska was born?"

"As long as I am living on this earth you two will never be alone and there will be nothing that could ever hurt you", she quoted me.

"Right. I meant that. And I still do. Sometimes I even ask myself if I am the problem, if you are better off without me since I cause you so much pain. But I cannot live without you. I know this sounds selfish, but I just can't."

"I can't live without you either", she whispered. "And all I want is to be with you again, to forget all these problems we had, but there is something inside me holding me back. I don't know what it is."

"We'll figure that out", I said and took her hand. "We will."

Where have the times gone? Baby, it's all wrong, where are the plans we made for two?