a second chance - Hotchniss

Demons [Emily]

"We're all in the same game; just in different levels. Dealing with the same hell; just different devils." - Unknown

"Where is my daughter?", I yelled as soon as I had entered the hospital. Aaron and I had tried to drive as quickly as possible, still it had taken us nearly two hours.

"Are you Mrs. Hotchner?", the young nurse asked.

"Obviously I am", I snapped in panic.

Suddenly I felt Aaron's hand on my shoulder: "Calm down, Em. She won't be able to help us if you continue toyed at her."

I didn't say anything, so she brought us down a large corridor until she stopped in front of a door, but kept it close.

"Your daughter was found passed out at home. We do not know it precisely, but we guess that she had already fainted yesterday, so she had laid there about 12-16 hours. Her body is too weak to work on its own yet, that is why she is connected to many machines. She hadn't eaten for quite some days, it was her own luck that your friend found her. She has stayed with her all the time.", she explained before opening the door.

Immediately, JJ showed up, closely behind her Reid. "Thank God, you're here!", she sighed. Her eyes were red from crying and she looked way too pale. "I'm so sorry, it's all my fault, I should have taken care of her, I-" "JJ, how often do I have to repeat that this is not your fault?!", Reid interrupted her.

He was right, it wasn't her fault at all, but I wasn't able to say anything. I just moved past them in order to see my daughter. And what I saw was horrible. Alaska was barely visible due to all the hoses entering her nose, mouth and hands. Her skin was as pale as the bodice she wore. She looked so small in it, but it was actually way too big for her since she had nearly no bodyweight she could 'fill' it with. It looked like only a thin layer of skin covered her bones, nothing else. Her face was sunken, which made her look lifeless, moreover, it made her look like she was dead.

I gasped at this thought and fell into Aaron's arms, crying against his chest. Neither of us were able to say a word, both of us made us responsible for this. We should have paid more attention after her previous abidance in the clinic, but we had just believed her and the test. How stupid. Two profilers, who were fooled by their own child.

Looking up to my husband, I recognized that tears were running down his cheeks and that he was not able to take his eyes off Alaska. I knew that he was thinking the same as I did, asking himself how we could have let this happen.

"Excuse me, Mrs. and Mr. Hotchner?", a voice behind us asked. We turned around to face a young man, probably a doctor.

"Yes?", Aaron said with a weak voice.

"My name is Dr. Adams, I'm the executive chief physician. I would like to inform you about everything concerning Alaska and her treatment, and I have some questions as well. Do you mind if we go to my office?", he said.

I turned back to Alaska. I didn't want to leave her alone, she shouldn't fight this war on her own, alone.

"We're going to stay here until you return", JJ silently said. "You go."

Still, I didn't want to leave, but Aaron leaned down to me and whispered: "Come on, Em. This way we can help her." He took my hand and softly pulled me with him. I let out a breath I didn't even know I was holding in and went with them.

-

Dr. Adams closed the door to his office and sat down at his desk, we sat down on the chairs in front of it. Aaron's hand never let go of mine and I was more than thankful for that. I clung to it in desperation and in need of support.

"Okay, so I got Alaska's file from her previous clinic. She had been diagnosed with Anorexia Nervosa about a year ago, but was cleared to leave the clinic three months ago. Is that correct?", he asked.

We both nodded.

"Okay, so they noted another abidance about two weeks ago, but it says here that she was once more clear and able to go. Do you think she lied on the test?"

I nodded again, and Aaron said: "We had suspected her to relapse and wanted to take her to the clinic before, but she didn't want to. That day we only got her there because she fainted at school. I don't know how she did it, but she must have done something to get through the test. She was weighed in front of our eyes, but I'm sure the result on the scale was wrong, too."

"Anorexic girl's always find a way to fool these tests", Dr. Adams sighed. "It's not the first time I have a case like this. I am now going to tell you more about your daughter's condition and our planned treatment. I guess answering my questions is very hard for you at the moment."

He closed the file, on which was written Alaska Elizabeth Hotchner. I was not able to take my eyes off her name, thinking about all the things I had done wrong in my role as a mother to get my daughter's name written on a file of a clinic for anorexic people.

I looked up to Aaron as her lightly squeezed my hand in order to get my attention, so I would listen to Dr. Adams.

"Due to Alaska's weak condition, we were not able to do many tests yet. Our first priority was to keep her alive. She is now connected to artificial nutrition, as well as some machines in order to support her heartbeat and other organs. When she gets better, we are going to check on them again. It could be that the lack of nutrition caused some problems for her organs that we have to repair again. But we'll see about that when she wakes up. Another thing is her treatment", he looked at his notes. "Anorexia Nervosa is not only an illness of the body, it's an illness of the mind. Alaska needs to get this demon out of her thoughts that tells her that she needs to starve herself in order to reach a certain goal. In most cases, young girls have a trigger that leads to this illness, which has to be destroyed in order to get absolutely rid of this demon. Do you have any idea what Alaska's trigger could have been? It could be a bully at school, bad luck with a boy she likes, problems within the family?"

"The divorce", I whispered and looked at Aaron.

"Em, she had been diagnosed with Anorexia months before we even started to think about a divorce", he said and shook his head 'no'.

He was right, yet I couldn't find any other reason that could have led to Alaska's 'demon'. And suddenly, I felt like I didn't know my daughter at all. When was the last time we had talked about something that happened at school? Or about Jonas? Or anything else concerning her private life? It hit me out of the nowhere, I had already made myself responsible for all this, but now I knew for sure:

I could have prevented this.