a second chance - Hotchniss

Running in circles [Alaska]

Note from the author:
This is only personal experience. An anorexia treatment doesn't have to run like this every time.
-

I opened my eyes, my eyelids feeling heavy. At first I was blended by light and not able to see anything clearly, until my eyes got used to the light. Where was I?

Looking down, I realized that I laid in a bed, a thin hose entered my hand. As soon as I realized what it was, I directly pulled it out, leaving the green catheter in the back of my hand. No. No, this couldn't be. I had to be wrong, I couldn't be here. And this couldn't be a artificial nutrition.

Suddenly a nurse entered, and I recognized her face. "Alaska", she said calmly. "You cannot just pull the hose out, you know that."

I rushed back as she came close to my bed. "Is this a dream?", I asked her.

"No, sadly not", Amber answered. Right, that was her name.

"Where are my parents?", I hissed and covered my hands so she would not be able to put the hose in the catheter again.

"They are talking to your doctor", she explained. "Now give me your hand. You know this, I will not leave until you are connected to the hose again."

I had been right. The clinic. How had I gotten here? The last thing I remembered was walking down the hallway in school with Jonas.

"I want to talk to my parents first", I said. "Otherwise you can wait here forever, you will not get my hand."

She sighed and got up. "You know, I really like you, Alaska. But the last time you left, I was really hoping that I would never see you again."

"I was hoping the exact same", I snapped as she left the room.

Some minutes later, my parents entered the room.

"Get me out of here!", I directly demanded as they stood in front of my bed. My mother had obviously been crying and my father had this painful look in his eyes. As they did not say anything, I repeated my words: "Get. Me. Out. Of. Here!"

"Alaska", my mother whispered. "We brought you here."

Immediately, my eyes started to fill with tears. "I don't have to be here. I am not sick.", I spitted.

"You don't have to lie to us anymore", my Dad said softly as he sat down at my bed.

"I am not lying. I'm fine. I am not gonna stay here!", I yelled as I got angrier. Shouting was surprisingly exhausting and I started to feel a bit dizzy, so I leaned back for a short moment.

"You fainted at school and did not wake up until now", my mother said with a shaky voice. "I thought you were-", her voice cracked and she was not able to finish the sentence, but I already knew what she wanted to say. Dying.

"Fine", I snapped. "I'm gonna make the test to show that I am fine."

The test was some kind of proof that you were not anorexic, if you passed it. It was easy to fool. My father sighed next to me, but he didn't say anything since he knew that if I was going to pass it, I was allowed to leave, whether he wanted that or not.

"I wanna do it right now.", I announced as Amber entered the room as well. She did not look happy at all, but she couldn't change it. I got out of the bed and followed her to the doctor's office. Walking through the clinic brought painful memories back and I decided to not let them enter my thoughts since I just wanted to forget the three months I had spent here.

"You are anorexic", Amber said before we entered the office. "At some point you have to admit this to yourself."

I did not answer her and watched her preparing the room for my test. I knew that I was going to be weighed, that I had to eat several things in front of their eyes and that I was going to be asked some questions. If these points would be fulfilled, the test was over. If not, there would be more 'tasks' to do.

"Dr. Martin will be right there", she said flatly before leaving the office. I watched her walking away as I stepped closer to the plants in Dr. Martin's office. I hoped that the other girls would not have let me down as I looked at the flowers. I finally found the one where we always hid batteries that would make us weigh more. I grabbed some of them and put them into my bra, since I had to empty my pockets before stepping on the scale.
Dr. Martin entered his office right after I had sat down on the sofa next to the door.
"Alaska Hotchner", he said, briefly reading through my file on his desk. "You were actually released some time ago."
"Yes, my parents brought me here and I have to show them that I am not relapsing since they don't believe a single word I say", I said, putting a fake smile on.
"Let's go ahead then", he nodded and pointed at the scale.
He noted that my weight was 'okay' and I thanked god for these batteries.
The worst part was actually eating all these things in front of him. A piece of an apple, a piece of chocolate, a piece of bread, a piece of crackers, and so on.
I really felt like throwing up, but I decided to do that at home.
"How are you feeling?", he asked me afterwards.

I wanna die.
"Great.", I answered automatically. "I've learned that I have to eat in order to survive."

He noted down some things, before asking me: "Do you count calories?"

Every single one.
"Not anymore", I lied.

"Do you feel ashamed when you eat in front of others?"

Hell, yes.
"No.", I said calmly. "Everyone eats, it's human thing, right?"

He nodded, before scrabbling on his notes again.
"Did you know your exact weight before weighing you here?"

Of course.
"No, I don't weigh myself anymore. At least not regularly."

"What is your favorite food?"

I hate food.
"Pancakes, I guess.", I answered.

"Do experience a feeling of being hungry sometimes?"

No.
"Yes", I nodded. "If I don't eat at some point where I usually eat, my stomach growls."

We continued like this for some minutes, until he finally said: "I guess that's it. I'm going to call your parents in, so you can get your results together."

My parents looked like hell as they entered his office, especially my mother. She was shaking as she sat down. I saw that my father tried to hold her hand in order to calm her down, but she just pulled away, not looking at him.

"Okay. You already know the procedure, so I'm just gonna make this quick: Alaska's weight is okay for a girl who has been anorexic. It looks like she is slowly gaining weight again, it's still way too less, but anorexic people tend to stay skinnier than healthy people for their whole life. She ate everything without hesitation and the psychological questions were good as well.", he explained.

My parents looked at him like they had been hit by truck. I waited for him to say the final words, but my father spoke first: "Can you weigh her in front of us?"

I rolled my eyes as I got up, the batteries still in bra, and got on the scale. My parents still did not look convinced, but they were not able to do anything.

Finally, Dr. Martin said the holy words: "In my view, Alaska is not relapsing and free to go."

Thank god.